Jokes

1. This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half
getting on the bus.

The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's
Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner
grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets.

Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on.

A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the
chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.

Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them.

He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your
packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion
volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a
burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can
still be alive after all that?"

He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana
isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."



2. Job Interview Answers for Tough Questions...

Question : Why did you leave your last job?

Real answer : It sucked.

Suggestion : I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

Question : What are your biggest weaknesses?

Real answer : I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate
all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.

Suggestion : I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

Question : You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of
time. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've
stayed elsewhere?

Real answer : My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping
only non-competent employees.

Suggestion : I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving
around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise,
where I can make a contribution.

Question : How do you handle change?

Real answer : I deal with it everyday unless I'm out of clean underwear.

Suggestion : I think everyone knows that today the only constant is
change. I thrive on it.

Question : : How do you get along with others?

Real answer : I hate people, as long as they stay out of my face.

Suggestion : I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can
be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

Question : What does the word success mean to you?

Real answer : It means that I don't have to drag my sorry butt out of
bed to kiss yours.
Suggestion : Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a
difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

Question : What does the word failure mean to you?

Real answer : It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance,
with the hope of a 6 month extension.

Suggestion : Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That
word is not in my vocabulary.

Question: Do you get along with your current boss?

Real answer: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.

Suggestion : I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a
mentor to me.

Question : Do you ever get angry with coworkers?

Real answer : I don't get angry. I get even.

Suggestion : Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not
pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get
angry with coworkers.

Question: Can I contact your references?

Real answer : Sure, but they wont know who I am.

Suggestion : Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

Question: What words best describe you?

Real Answer: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy

Suggestion: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient