Jokes

1. While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud
case of hiccups.

By the time she reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to
have worsened.

The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer
verification of his account.

After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said
that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not
have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she
continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of
$5000."

"It can't be!" she cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash.

"But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


2. A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store.

The back came down and an elephant walked out. It
broke one of the windows with its tusk and then,
using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry.

The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he
called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've
seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types
of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian
elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as
the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated
jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."



3. A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his
chores. "Not yet ," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any
breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He
goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal? " he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way
across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, " Are you going
to tell him, or shall I?



4. A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog
playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good
hand he wags his tail."



5. The blonde had been married about a year when one day she came
running up to her husband jumping for joy.

Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down
along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great!" he
said, "Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and
down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for awhile.

He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it
was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more!"

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack
home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"



6. Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the
good old days.

They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if
they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-worldly powers
like they had so many years before.

The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted
the sea just like he had when he was much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but
what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water.

He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky
waters of the Red Sea.

Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.

"Must be those damn holes in your feet," Moses responded