Jokes

1. A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist
in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a
trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be
unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly,
"It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible
diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know
that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please,
darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll
do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!"


2. A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an
idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my
wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."



3. The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive,
bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage,
her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking
visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"


4. A Jewish father, Moishe, got a call from his eldest son, Yitzak, who told
him, "Father, I am going to marry!"

Moishe actually danced with joy. "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What's
her name?"

"O'Brien," replied the son. "She's Catholic."

"Oy!" said the father. "But are you happy, my son?"

"I'm happy," said the son.

"Okay, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both."

Now the father was counting more than ever on his remaining sons, Schlemiel
and Chutzpah, to give him Jewish grandsons.

The next evening, Schlemiel called his father. "I, too, will soon be
married, Father."
Again Moishe broke out into a dance and sang God's praises. "Pray, what is
her name?" he asked.

"Kazalopodopolous," replied the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy!" cried Moishe. "But are you happy?"

"I'm very happy, Father."

"Okay. Then you, too, have my blessing," Moishe declared.

Dejected, Moishe went to the temple to pray. "Please, God, let my remaining
son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in
Your eyes . . . please!"

The next day, Chutzpah came to his father in quite a state. "Father! I am to
wed in the spring!"

"Her name? What is her name?" his father immediately demanded.

"Goldberg!" replied Chutzpah.

Moishe was beside himself with joy. He leapt into the air and shouted,
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" When he calmed down sufficiently, he
asked Chutzpah, "Is she Dr. Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Newark?"

"No," replied Chutzpah.

"Hmm. Must be Attorney General Goldberg's daughter Rachel, from Hollywood."

"Ah, no, Father," Chutzpah again responded.

"Well then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful
son?"

"Whoopi," Chutzpah replied.



5, One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! By the way my sister is a blond.