Jokes

1. A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.


2. Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?"

Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could."

Sergeant: "And did you get a confession?"

Officer: "Not exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."



3. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books

From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transcripts, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?



3. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day!



4. Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake.

A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off!

The men were left staring at open water.

Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"

The reply was, "Wild goose chase."



5.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A & M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."



6. THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM TEXAS

----> Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

----> There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

----> There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

----> Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

----> If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

----> Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

----> There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

----> A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

----> In West Texas the wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then It stops totally until October 2.

----> "Onced" and "twiced" are words.

----> "Coldbeer" is one word.

----> People actually grow and eat okra.

----> Green grass DOES burn.

----> When ! you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City People drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

----> The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first Few weeks.

----> When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see A doctor.

----> "Fix-in-to" is one word.

----> There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there's supper.

----> "Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.

----> "Backwards and forwards" means I know everything there is to know about you.

----> "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

----> You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

----> You measure distance in minutes.

----> You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

----> Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

----> You will see a car with the engine running! in the Wal-mart parking Lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

----> All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, a vegetable or a varmit.

----> You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

----> You carry jumper cables for your own car.

----> You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

----> You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

----> You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

----> Sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

----> The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

----> The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

----> You know which leaves make acceptable toilet paper.

----> You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

----> All four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

----> You know whether another Texan is fr! om East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

----> Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" Or off to Wally-world."

----> You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

----> A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.