Jokes

1. A young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So, how do you want your rice? Plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."



2. Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living. In particular, "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore; they got all those darn video security cameras everywhere you look."



3. A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst
premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.But it's
not just the passion, Dad . She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy together. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things than the report card that's
in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.


4. While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student
led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one
of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's
it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound
with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall,
"Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"



5. Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He
would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?"
and then bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there,
John..." when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there,
John, old buddy, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You
never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"

And with that, the horse took off running!

Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it.

Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a while the man
became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out
his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the
chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"

"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.



6. Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life.

So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on
the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm
not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab
and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel
and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I
knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see
you!" "Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now
turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in
counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk.
"You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything
just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and
banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full
liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you, Thank
you............Thank you very much!"