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Sunday, December 28, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A Londoner, pinched for drunken driving, was submitted to a new testing machine which registered a staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.

"Your machine must be on the blink," insisted the Londoner.

"My wife's a teetotaler. Try it on her."

The police obliged and again the machine showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level.

"Now I KNOW your machine's out of order," cried the driver. "To prove it, let our little baby blow into the thing." The baby's breath was sampled, and sure enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.

Sheepishly, the police tore up the complaint.

Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his wife, "That was one wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs of gin before we left the pub."


Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here" he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well Michael. As you wish.look through the gates." He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!"

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."

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