Oil
Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to oil change service store when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 20 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented air freshener pine tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by package store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find 1 jack stand under kid's pedal car. Decide to use one jack stand, a concrete block, and some scrap 2X4's on the other side of the car. This engineering master piece takes about 45-minutes.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Ask wife what she did with your 9/16 box end wrench. She tells you she doesn't know what you're talking about.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. Ask your wife what she did with the oil filter wrench. Get pissed when she doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.
15) Pissed off you give up looking for the oil filter wrench; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing skin from
knuckles.
25) Begin a real cussing fit that gets even the neighbor kids to stop and watch.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because the wrench hit your golf bag.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stand and concrete block engineering master piece.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car squealing tires as you pull out of the driveway to impress the neighbor kids .
37) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call wife to make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right and they didn't use any of that cheap low grade oil that they use in those oil change service stores!
1) Pull up to oil change service store when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 20 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented air freshener pine tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by package store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find 1 jack stand under kid's pedal car. Decide to use one jack stand, a concrete block, and some scrap 2X4's on the other side of the car. This engineering master piece takes about 45-minutes.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Ask wife what she did with your 9/16 box end wrench. She tells you she doesn't know what you're talking about.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. Ask your wife what she did with the oil filter wrench. Get pissed when she doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.
15) Pissed off you give up looking for the oil filter wrench; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing skin from
knuckles.
25) Begin a real cussing fit that gets even the neighbor kids to stop and watch.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because the wrench hit your golf bag.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stand and concrete block engineering master piece.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car squealing tires as you pull out of the driveway to impress the neighbor kids .
37) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call wife to make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right and they didn't use any of that cheap low grade oil that they use in those oil change service stores!
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