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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"


A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved.....


The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to hire a deaf person for the job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The Godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector, they asked him where the money was.

The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump to the left of the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

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