Funny: Some jokes - Lessons

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.

15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"

"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

--------------------------

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
*******

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
*******

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.

The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.


----------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
*******

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Joke: Be careful of what you say

There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French,
who together found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said :
" Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true. "
The French wanted to start.
He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn.
He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "
He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.
The last is the American.
He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!........."
LESSON : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !

Funny: Some jokes - Lessons

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says :
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted :
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm . "
MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

----------------------------

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
" Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
" Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
" Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
" I just need one copy. "
LESSON # 2 : NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING

--------------------------

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked
" What kind of -ese are you ? "
The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "
The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you, ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "
The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "
LESSON No 3 : NEVER INSULT ANYONE

Joke: A medical magician

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

"The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place." "This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache".

"Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache...".

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius!

"Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, when he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man.

After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....." 

Funny: Some jokes

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

-------------------------

The Hearing Check

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

---------------------------

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Joke: Cold after one, hot after one

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Funny: Some jokes

My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of our daily newspaper.

As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."

"Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled, "nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

-----------------------

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

----------------------

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, Sir?'"

Funny: Some jokes

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska . Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

-----------------------

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued. "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

----------------------

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

-----------------------

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage?"

Humor: Notice To People Who Visit My House

• The dog lives here. You don't.

• If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

• Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

• Of course she smells like a dog.

• It's her nature to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

• I like her a lot better than I do most people.

• To you she's a dog. To me she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of those things.

• Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

• The same applies for cats, except they will ignore you... until you're asleep.

Funny: Some jokes

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said: "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second nun said: "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box." "I'll take six boxes," said the nun. "That should last about a week!" The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

--------------------------

One day a poor Rabbi was crossing a busy intersection when he was hit by a car. Due to the extent of his injuries the Ambulance attendants decided to take him to the nearest hospital which was called St. Mary's Hospital, a Catholic Hospital where all the nurses are nuns. Three weeks went by and the Rabbi fully recovered.

Just before being discharged the Head Nurse, Sister Mary Catherine handed him the bill for his stay. The Rabbi stared at the bill for a while shaking his head. Finally he turned to the nurse and said "Sister, I have no health
insurance. I am a very poor Rabbi, my father is a very poor Rabbi, my brother is a very poor Rabbi, my other brother is a poor man, and my sister, well she is a traitor to the family, so we disowned her".

The nurse asked "why is she a traitor to the family?" The Rabbi replied, "Well, she converted to Catholicism and became a nun." The nun replied, "Why, in our religion that is a great honor. It means your sister is married
to GOD.

The Rabbi replied: Well, in that case give the bill to my Brother-in-law.


-----------------------------

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says. "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Funny: Some jokes

Two church members were going door-to-door and knocked on Vickie's door who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To Vickie's surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact, bounced back open.

She tried again and really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with all her might, but got the same result. The door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

------------------------

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

-------------------------

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'

Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister
Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'

'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me! 

Adult joke: Woman is dead

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...

C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police
chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?

Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

Funny: Some jokes

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge.

The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the Judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the Judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out.

They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.

So I went to the registration office and got in another line. The lady there gave me some forms to fill out.

I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card."

"And?" prodded the Judge.

"And then the guy behind that counter said, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'

So I stabbed him."

---------------------------

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Funny: Some jokes

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.

Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"


-------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, " Now you have everything.'"

--------------------------

A tramp put the finger on a banker as he was coming out of his office. "How about a dime for coffee?" he asked.

"Here," the banker said. "Here's 50 cents. Go buy yourself five cups of coffee."

The next day, as the banker was coming out of his office again, the same tramp came up and punched him in the nose.

"Hey," yelled the banker, "is that any way to treat me after I gave you a half-dollar?"

"You and your lousy five cups of coffee," the tramp snarled, punching him in the nose again. "They kept me awake all night."


--------------------------

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine.

But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

Funny: Some jokes

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

------------------

The Test

Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

If you have done all this and are still in control of yourself, you are now ready to feed a baby.

-----------------

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day: "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

Funny: Some jokes

Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker.

He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" I asked, very concerned.

She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

----------------------

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Since she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so while she was still able. Until now, she'd never even been out of the country, so she began by going in person to the Passport Office to obtain her first passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself???"

-------------------

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Funny: Some jokes

The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe.

Soon a convict showed up, spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly opened the safe door.

"Well," said the mine operator, "what do you think I owe you?"

The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."

-----------------------

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said.  "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

-------------------------

Becky, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call.

She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm.

After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.

When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done.

Her husband asked, "Was the Patient that bad?"

Becky said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."

Humor: Playing with wurds

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Humor: The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 999 (112).

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice

Here are some nice one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Funny: Multiple jokes

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.

-------------------------

My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 55?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."

--------------------

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Funny joke: FBI agents ordering pizza

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on "Global Organized Crime." The author who introduced the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

CLICK.

Funny: Some jokes

One of my friends's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"


----------------------------

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".

I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"

He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again.

He was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands all day.

So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french fries?"

And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are you fixed?"


--------------------------

Outdoor Barbecuing It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (insert smug expression and "isn't that steak a beaut!")

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Humor: Some very true quotes

*Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.*
------------------------------

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. *

------------------------------

The road to success??.. Is always under construction. *

------------------------------

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. *

------------------------------

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. *

------------------------------

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.*

------------------------------

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. *

------------------------------

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works. *

------------------------------

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried. *

------------------------------

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side. *

------------------------------

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. *

------------------------------

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens. *

------------------------------

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule. *

------------------------------

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late. *

------------------------------

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. *

------------------------------

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions. *

------------------------------

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls. *

------------------------------

Especially for engg. Students---- If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance. *

------------------------------

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. *

------------------------------

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
*

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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other. *

------------------------------

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight. *

------------------------------

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker *

Joke: Going to the White House

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, somewhat agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and
no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Humor: Dating Women (Totally politically incorrect)

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

Funny: Why men feel sorry

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay at home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Funny: Signs You Might Be Out of Shape

All of your neighbors comment on your new tent whenever you hang your shirt out on the line.

As you lay panting and gasping for breath, you curse whoever came up with the ideas of curbs.

It's the third day in a row you've bitten your chin thinking it was part of your Hoagie sandwich.

The rest of your body is still moving after you sit down.

Weighing yourself requires a periscope.

Your kids invites the other kids in the neighborhood to a "Godzilla Live"- how which solely consists of you trying to get into your car in the morning.

Ingrown navel.

Round Peg : Square hole :: You : The door.

You've earned the nickname "Goldilocks" for breaking so many chairs.

You've been selected by your local NFL team to paint your body and stand with your shirt off in front of the camera at the games. 

Funny: Some jokes

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,"

his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten to twenty years."

---------------------------

At a children's hospital, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency room. He had filled both ears with tiny pebbles.

After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?"

"Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."

-------------------------

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Joke: Tiger and the elephant

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

Funny: Some jokes

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello, Son.  Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"

------------------------

It was 6 p.m., and an employee was about to leave the local coin laundry.

Her boss called her over and asked if she would mind dropping off someone's laundry on her way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."

She cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door.

Little Johnny, the brother-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," the lady said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, she explained, "I have a  delivery for her."

Little Johnny's mouth dropped, and his eyes went wide. "Mom!" he shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

----------------------

Little Johnny came home from his first day of school and said,  "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and  sisters who will be coming to my school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"