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Monday, October 27, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said: "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second nun said: "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box." "I'll take six boxes," said the nun. "That should last about a week!" The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"


One day a poor Rabbi was crossing a busy intersection when he was hit by a car. Due to the extent of his injuries the Ambulance attendants decided to take him to the nearest hospital which was called St. Mary's Hospital, a Catholic Hospital where all the nurses are nuns. Three weeks went by and the Rabbi fully recovered.

Just before being discharged the Head Nurse, Sister Mary Catherine handed him the bill for his stay. The Rabbi stared at the bill for a while shaking his head. Finally he turned to the nurse and said "Sister, I have no health
insurance. I am a very poor Rabbi, my father is a very poor Rabbi, my brother is a very poor Rabbi, my other brother is a poor man, and my sister, well she is a traitor to the family, so we disowned her".

The nurse asked "why is she a traitor to the family?" The Rabbi replied, "Well, she converted to Catholicism and became a nun." The nun replied, "Why, in our religion that is a great honor. It means your sister is married
to GOD.

The Rabbi replied: Well, in that case give the bill to my Brother-in-law.


A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says. "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

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