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Monday, October 13, 2014

Humor: Funny quotes

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas!

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

If G~d had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Women should not have children after 35.

Really...35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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