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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Funny: Some jokes and funny quotes

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.

Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The General said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."

The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"


A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

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