Joke: Wife and mother

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.

He called his mother to share his good news with her.

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.

When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one.

He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.

She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."

"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.

She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."

Joke: New cat

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Funny: Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. IT REALLY WORKS

Funny: The secret of making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Funny: The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

Some jokes: All affair related

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing." 

Joke - Communication and divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Here are some nice one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Funny: Quotes about marriage

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.

There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it it's not so hot.

Joke: Going to heaven

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

Some quick jokes

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.  Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

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A man was driving home from work late one afternoon when the battery in his car conked out.  Fortunately, he was near the garage where he bought the battery just six months ago.  He called a tow truck.

Inside the garage, he complained to the owner, "My battery died!  When I bought it from you only six months ago, you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need!"

"Sorry," the owner replied, "but I was being truthful.  I didn't think that pile of junk you drive would last six months!"

Some jokes

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"..............."No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Joke: The Olympic Diving Champion

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."

Joke: Challenge to wife

My wife and I are both in our midlife and I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year- old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love to fulfill my desires. That I should go out and find myself a hot 22 year-old beautiful woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Humor: Difference between Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!" 

Humor: The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

*********

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

*********

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

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Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

*********

She....Would you get married again?

He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?

He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?

He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?

He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?

He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Joke: Small jokes about husband and wife

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM .. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Small jokes: Wife and Husband

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Joke: The phone is being in use

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use...

So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.

I noticed he was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't saying anything...

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone; just for minute... I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Just hold on, buddy!" he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Humor: How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.

LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a damm.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.

LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old thing.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think bout.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.