Funny: Younger girls and older girls

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits

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Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

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Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

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Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

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Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

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Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

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Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

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Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special - and goes to kick it with her own friends!

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Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

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Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

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Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

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Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Humor: Dating Women (Totally politically incorrect)

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

Humor - Some women jokes

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend Jody. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

--------------------

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate,
you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. 
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, gonna be a bear! 

Joke: Horrible clause to be in a relationship

Application for having a night out with the boys

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return

Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to
another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no
valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversation is permitted

IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in
chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time.
On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

" .........................................

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

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Joke: Jumping from a cliff

Long time ago, a man and a woman were madly in love.

They wanted to marry, but parents didn’t approve.

So they decided to suicide together, and planned to jump from a mountain.

The man could not bear to see his Sweet Heart Fall, so he convinced her that he will jump first, and he jumped.
But the girl never jumped.

Thereafter all men decided to say…..
“LADIES FIRST"

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

Humour: Why dogs are better than humans

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs don't laugh at how you throw.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what no means.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Humour: The language used by a woman, and why it does not make sense

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry." = you'll be sorry.

" We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = the correct decision should be obvious by now.

" Do what you want" = you'll pay for this later.

" We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

" I'm not upset" = of course I'm upset, you moron!

" You're ... so manly" = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.

" You're certainly attentive tonight" = is sex all you ever think about?

" Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

" This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

" I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

" Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!

" I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.

" Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

" How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.

" I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

" Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

" Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Humour: Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!

Some great quotes about men and women, and marriage - Humour

Women are like Elephants.
I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. -- W.C. Fields

Guys are like dogs.
They keep coming back.
Ladies are like cats.
Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. -- Lenny Bruce

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. -- Tim Allen

With my wife I don't get no respect.
I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -- Rodney Dangerfield

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine:
We were both crazy about girls. -- Groucho Marx

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.' -- Mark Klein

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy? -- Benny Hill

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?' -- Emo Philips

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...
Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -- Rodney Dangerfield

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always (Always Right).

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Humour: If Women Ruled The World

- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because
he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard
would increase by 40 pounds - Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard
for none of the credit.

- Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas. - Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because
there would be no pictures.

- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. - Men would
pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute. -
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would
date 19 year olds.

- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
wait on their wives hand and foot.

Humour: Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day

PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.

OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!

GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!

Joke: Wifey, what did you say ?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My Goodness!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Humour: Women's English (Enjoy these quotes)

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he
goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

The answer to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Humour: Women's revenge

1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long
enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get
started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't
work.

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear
shoes.

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.

13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the
remote control between his toes.

14. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can
understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from
grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there

Delhi Clothes: Apsara sarees and lehangas - 5 shops in Delhi

Shopping for ladies sarees or lehangas for the purpose of bridal wear can be difficult; you need to balance the need to wear something different from the common while ensuring that you do not pay the heaven for this; you need to have a dress that looks exclusive and incredibly beautiful while ensuring that you are not wearing something that is being worn by everybody in the same season. I have written about Apsara sarees earlier as well, but I wanted to update with more content, so writing a new post.
If the choice is to wear a heavy well decorated saree or lehanga, then you cannot just go to any other shop. Catch the Metro line between CP and Kashmere Gate, get down at the Chandni Chowk station and ask for Paranthe Wali Gali. Once you are inside, look for the eateries, and the main Apsara showroom will be right opposite. It's not a very big place, and there are mattresses covered by white sheets on the floor, and you need to take off your shoes before you step on the mattress. The shop does not sell ladies suits.
A good lehenga can easily cost over Rs. 50,000 with prices going upto the lakhs. Delivery can take upto a month depending on the busy season. They accept cards, although most people pay cash.

The various locations are:

Chandni Chowk:

1980, Gali Paranthe Wali, Chandni Chowk, Delhi - 6
Phone: 23267767, 23286856

1386-87. First Floor, S. B. Sarafa Market, Chandni Chowk, Delhi - 6
Phone: 23911662, 23978410

Rohini:

Ring Road Mall (Behind Kali Mata Mandir), Deepali Chowk, Delhi - 4
Ph: 47085976, 27940693

Kamla Nagar:

80-D, Kamla Nagar, Opposite Roop Nagar, Delhi - 7
Phone: 23840260, 23846294

Laxmi Nagar:

9, Ground Floor, V3S Mall, Laxmi Nagar, Opposite Nirmal Vihar, East Delhi - 92
Phone: 24507185, 43073113

Delhi Info: Tamanna - a clothing boutique

Sometimes, the quest for getting some fancy suits and dresses strikes a lady. Typically known as party wear type of suits, these are fancy salwar-kameez, or they may kameez with a churidar / pants. The embroidery is far more fancy than normal day to day, and they can look quite beautiful. One place where you can get such ones is called Tamanna De Boutique, and is located in 6 different parts of Delhi.

Shop No-72, 1st Floor, Ch. Kishna Chand Complex,
Jwala Heri Market,
New Delhi, Delhi
Phone: 011 25250320

46-Ub Jawahar Nagar,
Kamla Nagar, New Delhi,
Delhi
Phone: 011 41530901

B 1/3, Lal Quarter,
Krishna Nagar, New Delhi, 110051

72-75, First Floor, Paschim Vihar,
Delhi - 110006
Phone: 011 25250320

F-20, 1st Floor,
Crossriver Mall,
Near Karkardooma Court,
Delhi
Tel: 011 22306080

J-67, Shop No. 1,
Rajouri Garden,
New Delhi - 110027
Phone: 011 25161392

Cancer research: Time when menarche and menopause happens linked to cancer

Doing statistical analysis of patients to determine trends does not seem very exciting; however, large scale analysis is extremely useful to determine trends - these trends can in turn be used to determine when testing should happen, or to determine whether it can be determined that someone is at a higher risk of getting cancer. In the below article, scientists did analysis on tens of thousands of women to determine genetic variations that can determine the age of onset of menarche and menopause, which in turn are used to determine enhanced risk level of cancer (link to article):

Scientists have found new gene variants linked with the age at which females experience their first menstrual period and the onset of menopause, which can even help in preventing breast and endometrial cancer and osteoporosis, and cardiovascular disease. the researchers have identified 10 genetic variants in two chromosomal regions associated with age at menarche (the first menstrual period), and 13 genetic variants in four chromosomal regions associated with age at natural menopause.
The researchers explained that an early onset of menarche and later menopause are well-established risk factors for the development of breast cancer and endometrial cancer. On the other hand, early menopause increases risk of osteoporosis and cardiovascular disease. Previous studies have suggested both menarche and menopause may be partially under genetic control.

Hormone Replacement Therapy reduces risk of colon cancer

Hormone Replacement Therapy was a preferred solution for relieving some of the pressures of menopause in women such as hot flashes and insomnia, until a study came out in 2002 that revealed that HRT can increase the risk of heart disease, stroke and breast cancer. These findings complicated the solution of doing the therapy, and led to a dramatic reduction in its use. Now a new study complicates this even further, since it claims that statistical studies show that women taking the therapy (which involves the use of estrogen) can reduce their risk of colon cancer (link to article):

The studies presented at a meeting of the American Association for Cancer Research further complicate the debate about HRT, used to relieve the effects of menopause
including hot flashes and insomnia. "Women who did use these drugs had a 28 percent lower incidence rate than women who did not use these drugs," Limsui said in a statement. "But we still don't know how estrogen compounds work in cancer prevention, which is intriguing."
Women who used hormone-based contraceptive pills, for instance, did not have any different risk of colon cancer. "Based on our findings, we need to continue exploring the cancer pathways that might be affected by these hormones," Limsui said. A second study presented at the same meeting also showed HRT might protect against colon cancer, which is diagnosed in 54,000 US women a year and which kills 25,000 -- making it the third-leading cancer killer of women behind lung cancer and breast cancer.

This is a very interesting piece of research, and would need much more analysis to validate, since it would complicate the issues around HRT.

Adult Joke: FETISH

A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually,he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.

Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he
tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal
knowledge, he says "Ok, but there is one condition: I have a particular
fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me."

"I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus. "Just name it."

So the man says to the woman, "You know ... I really enjoy it when
there's a sort of lightning effect. So you must reach over to that
switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds."

The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm. She then asks "Now can I fuck you?"

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it
doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I
want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the
light on."

"Ok" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her
flicks and clacks. "Now can I fuck you?" she asks as she is switching
between arm and leg movements.

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there
can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to
reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the
windows."

She says "Ok" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with
her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming
in the window.

So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating
thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and
rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman
finally begs him "NOW can we fuck? PLEASE?!"

And the young man looks at her shocked and says, "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather?"