Funny: Some jokes

The long-awaited day came at last when Mother took us to the station to welcome Father home from the war. My brother Harry, who had been very small when Father went overseas and couldn't remember what he looked like, was watching everything intently.

As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. Father was the first to come by. Mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet us.

We were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in the day when Harry misbehaved and Dad scolded him.

Harry glared at him, then turned to Mother and demanded indignantly, "Did you HAVE to pick the first one you saw?"

----------------------------

Some Famous Last Words
• You'll be perfectly safe behind this much lead plate.
• That's not smoke, that's steam.
• Of course it's sterile.
• Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
• That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.
• It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.
• It was fresh just last week.
• These are the safe kind of mushrooms.
• It should be ok to swim in.
• He's been a perfectly safe driver ever since his first Model T.
• Clip the red wire first.
• It's ok to format this disk.
• It's supposed to make that noise.
• It's pretty much grounded.
• It doesn't *look* like the bridge is out.
• They only attack when they're hungry.
• I can hold my breath at least that long.
• The boss won't mind.
• It shouldn't take long to reach Anchorage.
• Let's ask those soldiers for directions.
• It'll shrink in the wash.
• Jason won't find us in this closet.
• I'm sure I turned my lights off.
• I bet I can fit in there.

Funny: Some jokes

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

-------------------------

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing
at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was
about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and youhave to tell her where I was last night!" 

Humor: Medieval Pick up lines

- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rapunzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"

Funny: Younger girls and older girls

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits

**********
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

**********
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

**********
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

**********
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

**********
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

**********
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

**********
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special - and goes to kick it with her own friends!

**********
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

**********
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

**********
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

**********
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Funny: Some jokes

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

-------------------------------

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison

Funny: You know you have a BIG dog when...

* The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

* You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

* It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

* You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

* You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

* You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

* You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

* Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

* You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door. 

Funny: Greeting card questions and answers

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card)   - I've changed my mind.  

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...  
(Inside card)   - I never believed in Hell until I met you.  

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....  
(Inside card) -   That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....  
(Inside card) -   Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.  

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....  
(Inside card) -   Almost lifelike!  

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...  
(Inside card) -   Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.  

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....  
(Inside card) -   Did you ever find out who the father was?  

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and   there was only one life jacket...  
(Inside card)   - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your   birthday...  
(Inside card)   - So we're having you put to sleep.  

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but   wonder.....  
(Inside card) -   What the   hell   was I thinking  

11. I'm so miserable without you...  
(Inside card) -   It's almost like you're still here.  

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....  
(Inside card) -   I never knew what evil was until I met you!  

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!  
(Inside card) -   Too bad no one likes your husband.  

14. How can I say this....  
(Inside card) -   Your cooking kills me  

15. Hooray.....  
(Inside card) -   You're divorced.  

16. I just want you to know that
I'm sorry for what happened...  
(Inside card) -   Especially since you survived.  

17. Congrats on getting married...  
(Inside card) -   It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.  

18. Someday I hope to marry...  
(inside card) -   Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) -   What do you say we stop?

Humor: Some funny quotes

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Funny: Some jokes

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang.

The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

-----------------------------

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his eye.


----------------------------

Funny: How to break your arm

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice.

He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees... somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her ski pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift...so, how'd you break your arm?

Funny: Some jokes

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."

"Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.

"Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.

"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"A jack!" replied Andy.

----------------------------

In one office the staff consisted of female workers except one male clerk. The head of the office being a male wanted to write something unique about the male clerk in the annual work appraisal of the staff. Therefore he wrote about the male clerk as follows.. .. He is the only clerk in my office who has not applied for maternity leave

-------------------------

Little Susan was mother's helper.

She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.

Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place..."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan.

"Daddy says he always eats like a horse!!"

Joke: Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says , 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' '

Funny: Some jokes

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in
Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

----------------------------

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population.

A committee of residents finally was sent to see a wizard to see what could be done about the witch. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often refer to "Mean Green Witch Time."

--------------------------

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner  in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

Humor: The Pope vs. a rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

Funny: Some jokes

Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.

After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks,

"What kind of dog did you say that was?"

The first farmer replies, "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!"

------------------------

This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh.the man says:

"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"

The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.

"That's nothing!!"

"But there's more, now the spider sill pick up a table" and the spider easily picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!

The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of pussies, scared of a little spider!"

---------------------

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

Joke: The family heirloom

Dave and Judy were going over the expenses for their upcoming wedding. "$6,800 for a dress that's only going to be worn ONCE?" Dave asks. "What's up with THAT?!"

"Who says it's only going to be worn once?" Judy responds.

"Oh?" Dave says with one eyebrow raised. "You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear virginal white the second time!"

"No," Judy says, "But I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom."

"I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress," taunted Dave.

"Oh yeah?" Judy counters. "Well, she did too, smarty!"

"Yeah?" said Dave. "Then why don't you wear hers?"

"Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?!"

Funny: Some jokes

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"

-----------------------

A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips exposing herself to everyone.

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man who dares to look shall be struck blind!"

An old fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said, " I'm gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a dang, anyway!"

--------------------

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"Do you understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My Daddy can do ANYTHING!"

Some questions from the past and answers

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday".

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg". When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?

A:  When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf". So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.  Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca- day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie".

Funny: Some jokes

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For Sale :   R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 pm. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice:   We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 pm."

WEDNESDAY Notice:   R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 pm and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice:   I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

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Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"

Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck.

He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"

Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.

He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."

Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway, God, I got it myself..."

Funny: Some jokes

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five year old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping.

As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves, but be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a substantial amount of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill was still outstanding.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying "We are unable to ship your new order until payment is received for the last one."

The following day, the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We are unable to wait that long."

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There she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.

A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall.

"Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."

The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."

The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."

Funny: Some jokes

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . ..well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes; yes!"

"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes; yes!"

She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

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A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit.

They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure.

They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do.

He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length"

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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Funny: Some jokes

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century.

But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news--my room was in the new section.

Disappointed, I asked when the 'new' section had been built.

"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.

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If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker
disposed of his refuse for several days when sanitation workers were on strike.

Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car,
he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always
been collected.

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Woman: "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: "No, honey, it makes you look as slim as Cindy Crawford and Jennifer Aniston." (Cindy and Jennifer combined, maybe...)

A mother would be a little more honest:

Daughter: "Mom, does this dress make me look fat?"

Mother: "No, sweetheart, YOU make the dress look fat. I never thought fabric could stretch like that!"

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A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but Pa wouldn't like me to."

"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK" the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile; "by the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied the boy.

Humor: Twist in an old fairy tale

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

And some more remarks happened ....

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Funny: Some jokes

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his  desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow, and purple. The old man stared at him. The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter you old geezer, never done anything
wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

----------------------

Dear Future Son-in-Law,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your orange Mohawk haircut, multiple tattoos, pierced nose and assorted rings in your ears, eyebrows and tongue.

I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full-ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Your future Father-in-Law,

Jim

  

P.S.   Congratulations on winning the lottery!

Funny: Some jokes

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

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Billy receives his homework back from the teacher. At the top it says that the homework was unsatisfactory and he must to do it again.

He bursts out, "Well, that sucks!!!"

The teacher called his mother and told her that Billy has to do his homework over and some additional work because Billy used inappropriate language in class.

The mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"

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Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Funny: Some jokes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience Store."

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Funny: Some jokes

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

-----------------------

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.

She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

-----------------------

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.

"That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."

Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:

My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.