Joke: how bad could the torture test be

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?" The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning theman awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your
chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second
Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock." The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese
torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Joke: Baby with big ears

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth.  Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head.  He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."

The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.  The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears.  "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son.  I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey!  Look!  He has your ears!"

Funny: Some jokes

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.  Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained.  "Up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.  In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.  What would you do?"

-------------------

In a small mid western town, a man started the construction of a new tavern.  Since this was a very conservative town, and the prospects of having a drinking establishment there angered the residents, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

--------------------

A man was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly found himself surrounded by fierce-looking natives!  As they moved closer, he remembered an old trick he saw in a movie.

Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked the flame towards the leader of the natives.

Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped, "Wow!  That's incredible!"

"You'd better believe it's incredible," said the man, all the while waving the flame at him.

"It certainly is," says the leader.  I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!"

------------------

The little boy who had been playing in the backyard all morning came through the kitchen door and said to his mother, "Who am I?"

His mother thoutht she was supposed to play some kind of guessing game and said, "Oh, I think you must be Tarzan."

"I guess Mrs. Wilson was right," he said.  "She said I was so dirty that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

25 Ways To Improve Your Health

1. Brush twice a day!

2. Dress right for the weather.

3. Visit the dentist regularly.

4. Get plenty of rest.

5. Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.

6. Eat right.

7. Get outside in the sun every once in a while.

8. Always wear a seatbelt.

9. Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.

10. Smile! It will make you feel better.

11. Don't over indulge yourself.

12. Bathe regularly.

13. Read to exercise the brain.

14. Surround yourself with friends.

15. Stay away from too much caffeine.

16. Use the bathroom regularly.

17. Get plenty of exercise.

18. Have ! your eyes checked regularly.

19. Eat plenty of vegetables.

20. Believe that people will like you for who you are.

21. Forgive and forget.

22. Take plenty of vacations.

23. Celebrate all special occasions.

24. Pick up a hobby.

25. Love your neighbor as yourself. 

Humor: "You Know You're A Dog Person When..."

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, "Emily, pee!" over and over again, while Emily tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.

You don't go to happy hours with coworkers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

And the number one reason you know you're a dog person: Your dog is the star of your Web Site!

Humor: The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. 

Joke: Flying with a parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

Funny - Some jokes

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.  Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.  "To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

-----------------------

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother.  "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

------------------------

The father was very proud when his son went off to college.  He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab.  "What are you working on?" he asked.

"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything and everything."

The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"

---------------------

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner.  Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds.

Joke: The biggest lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.  The group surrounded a dog.  Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.  We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.  So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback.

"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.  He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, the reverend won the contest, give him the dog."

Funny: Some jokes

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "and if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."


------------------------

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."

------------------------

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."

--------------------------

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.

"Hey, mister," Peter said, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."

"Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one."

"No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work."

"If you don't buy my baseball," Peter said, "I'll tell my dad where you are."

"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "I'll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?"

"Fifty dollars."

The man didn't want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?"

The lover didn't even bother arguing: "How much?"

"A hundred dollars!" The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother's lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

The voice groaned, "Not you again!"

Funny: Some jokes

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

--------------------

Some insults to students

It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

----------------------

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

-----------------------

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Joke: Children and patience

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, or nephews... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve... we have forbidden fruit!!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Joke: Becoming smarter quickly

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already!"

Joke: Going through the red light

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection  with him.

As she's still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Joke: Need a push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife, "he needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please!"

Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Joke: Have You Ever Broken A Bone?

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

Funny: Some jokes

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

----------------------

A guy was filling out a job application at our place,  for a job on the shipping dock. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question was, "Why?"

The guy, apparently not paying attention, answering it anyway wrote in, "Never got caught."

---------------------

Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink and found that one of the hotel maids was making our bed.

I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

-------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

----------------------

An old man went to the local bar, approached a very pretty, very young woman and asked, "Where have you been all my life?"

She gave him a raised eyebrow of disapproval and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."

Funny: Some jokes

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said, "Hello."

The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech:

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

--------------------------

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new, young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused saying, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day, not hers or mine."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."

Disgusting: Farters

DISHONEST FARTERS

They who fart and then blame the dog.

FOOLISH FARTERS

They who keep their farts inside.

PROMPT FARTERS

They who always have a fart ready.

MISERABLE FARTERS

They who cannot fart.

STRATEGIC FARTERS

They who fart and cough at the same time.

CLEVER FARTERS

They who fart and cough at the same time.

DISAPPOINTED FARTERS

Those whose farts do not emit odor.

ACUTE FARTERS

Those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet.

MEAN FARTERS

Those who fart in bed and shake covers over spouse - this is not recommended).

VAIN FARTERS

They who love the smell of their own farts.

AMIABLE FARTERS

They who love the smell of others farts.

CONFIDENT FARTERS

They who let out really loud farts.

SHY FARTERS

Those who let out silent farts.

SCIENTIFIC FARTERS

Those who bottle their own farts.

UNFORTUNATE FARTERS

Those who start to fart but poop instead.

NERVOUS FARTERS

Those who stop in mid fart.

HONEST FARTERS

They who confess to the fart.

JEALOUS FARTERS

They who claim the farts of others.

INSECURE FARTERS

They who compare their fart quality to others.

THE FARTERS FARTER

Those rare farters whose farts clear moving vehicles.

Funny: Some jokes

One day there were two hunters out in the woods hunting. Their names were Bob and Jim. Jim accidentally shoots Bob. Panicking, Jim uses his cell phone to call 911.

Jim says "Hi, me and my friend where out hunting together and I saw what looked like a deer, so I shot it, but it was actually Bob, and I think he might be dead. What should I do?"

The woman on the other end answers,"Ok, first you have to make sure he is dead." He says "Ok." Then the woman hears Jim drop the phone, then some noise, and then she hears a loud boom. Then Jim picks up the phone and says "Ok, now what."


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My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."

That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

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While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"


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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground."

Signed,
A Blonde

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" 

Joke: Going to heaven

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

Funny: Some jokes

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows.
He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time.

Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"


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Wish I could think so quickly. . . . A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his #$%&*% widow.'

Funny: Some quick jokes

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

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10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends... .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Bob, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly s hr unk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-  Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Funny: Quick quotes

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Funny: Some jokes

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

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When Maria found out she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day she took her four-year-old son, Dave out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.

"Yes!" Dave exclaimed, "and I know what we're going to name it too! If it's a girl, we're calling her Anna. And if it's another boy, we're going to call it quits."

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A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, give us a break!  He's not our regular drummer!"

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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.
I left for work before they left for school and I wanted to be sure the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until, that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag. 

Funny: Some jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and if you read on further you'll find out that they walked everywhere they went!"

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Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other.

  

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on the earth planet have developed satellite based weapons."

  

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, and asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

 

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves." 

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A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 & 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Funny: Some jokes

To stop her 4 year-old daughter from biting her nails, her moother tells her it will make her fat.

"I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.

The next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I, Mom?"

"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

They gey on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"

"No... but I know what you've been doing!"

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Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

One day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"

Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"


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My wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


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Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Humor: Notes from a dog to himself

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing

Joke: Getting a good lawyer

Nathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Abe. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business."

"Okay," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."

So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"

"Well," replies Abe, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."

Nathan goes very white when he hears this.

"What's the matter?" asks Abe.

"I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.

Joke: Getting some good leads

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!!"