Humor: Notes from a dog to himself

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing