Humor: What is gold worth ?

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you,"

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!?!"

Joke: Questions a man asked his Sunday School class:

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get
me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Joke: Going to heaven

This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with a Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed', the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven; it's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darn bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

Joke: Dispute between Christian and non-Christian

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for
her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with
her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went
back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven
I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady

Joke; A teacher in heaven

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first." So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.

The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"

"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.

"Wow, who lives here?"

"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."

Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - - - the works!

"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"

"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."

"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.

Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

Joke: A cat and some mice in heaven - with God providing services

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Joke: Christians in heaven

A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the
Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.

The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking
to each other.

"These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the
Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are
the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group,
every nationality, and every culture in Heaven.

Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall
doing in Heaven?" asked the man.

"Shhhh!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the
Christians. They like to think that they're the only ones here."

Number of years as per billing

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

Always wanted a girl

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to
grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to ask her a question." St. Peter waves his hand, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary !

The priest is beside himself, but manages to kneel and say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your holy life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you holding the Christ Child, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Well", says Mother Mary, "to tell the truth, at that time I was really hoping for a girl."

Marriage and divorce in heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard to the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Difference between hell and heaven

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand.

"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.

"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and touches your heart."

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there...."

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Spell the word

A woman dies and goes to the Gates of Heaven where she meets St. Peter.

St. Peter says to her, "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in Heaven under one condition."

The woman says "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'."

So she does and she is let in to Heaven. As she gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the woman to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds her that she must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, her husband shows up at the gate and she asks him what he is doing there.

He says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and he died.

The wife says, "Alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to Heaven."

He asks, "What's the word?"

She says, "Spell 'Czechoslovakia'."

Look .. he's moving

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

POPE DIES

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

Joke

An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enroll for a Latin course."

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?"

"Ninety-three" is the reply.

"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?"

"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin."

The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"

"That's alright, I can already speak American."