SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...

1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, SeguinTX

2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to
talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts
and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told
my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and
handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem,NC

3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old
son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera
and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made
and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative
called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take
a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover
that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror
wearing
nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different
kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good looking gentlemen who works at the store! . He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started
to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red
and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her
items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX,
SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back
of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the nurse's office. He was to phone his mother and
ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom.
" she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon she would come and get me."