TightVNC is a free remote control software package derived from the popular VNC software. With TightVNC, you can see the desktop of a remote machine and control it with your local mouse and keyboard, just like you would do it sitting in the front of that computer. TightVNC is:
* free, GPL-licensed, with full source code available;
* useful in remote administration, remote customer support, education, and for many other purposes;
* cross-platform, available for Windows and Unix, compatible with other VNC software.
Does not currently work on Windows Vista.
Read more and download from this link.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
TightVNC is a free remote control software package derived from the popular VNC software. With TightVNC, you can see the desktop of a remote machine and control it with your local mouse and keyboard, just like you would do it sitting in the front of that computer. TightVNC is:
MessenPass is a password recovery tool that reveals the passwords of the following instant messenger applications:
* MSN Messenger
* Windows Messenger (In Windows XP)
* Windows Live Messenger (In Windows XP And Vista)
* Yahoo Messenger (Versions 5.x and 6.x)
* Google Talk
* ICQ Lite 4.x/5.x/2003
* AOL Instant Messenger v4.6 or below, AIM 6.x, and AIM Pro.
* MySpace IM
Read more and download from this location.
Anorexia means loss of appetite. It is a symptom of disturbed digestion and common in all diseases which lead to general weakness. This condition results from failure of the activity of the stomach and secretion of gastric juices due to low vitality which, in turn, can be due to various causes.
Anorexia Symptoms: Refuse to eat and suffers from insomnia. Persons suffering from anorexia may refuse to eat and suffer from insomnia. In course of time, emaciation becomes severe.
Anorexia Causes: Faulty diet and don't do physical work. People suffer from anorexia when they habitually take a faulty diet and hardly do any physical work.
Stress and strain: It may also result from stress and strain such as domestic worry, emotional disturbances, difficult working conditions, and nervous disorders. General body disorders and diseases also lead to this condition.
Home Remedies for Anorexia
Anorexia treatment using Oranges Oranges are an extremely useful remedy for anorexia. They stimulate the flow of digestive juices, thereby improving digestion and increasing appetite. One or two oranges a day are advised.
Anorexia treatment using Sour Grapes: Sour grapes are another effective remedy for anorexia. The juice of these grapes should be used in kneading the flour before preparing chapatis. Chapatis made in this manner should be eaten continuously for two to three weeks. This remedy will tone up the stomach and improve the appetite.
Anorexia treatment using Lime: Lime is also a valuable remedy for restoring a lost appetite. A preparation made from this fruit and ginger has been found very effective in overcoming this condition. About one teaspoon of the juice of lime should be mixed with an equal quantity of the juice of ginger. One gram of rock salt should be added to this mixture. It should then be placed in sunlight for three days. A teaspoon taken after each meal will tone up the digestive system and improve the appetite.
Anorexia treatment using Apples: Apples are another variety of fruit useful in anorexia. They help digestion by stimulating the flow of pepsin, a proteindigesting enzyme, in the stomach. The old adage, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away', is certainly a valuable one.
Anorexia treatment using Garlic: Garlic possesses a special property to stimulate the digestive tone of the system and improve appetite. A soup prepared from this vegetable can be of immense help to a patient suffering from anorexia. Three or four cloves of raw garlic should be boiled in a cup of water. This soup can be reinforced with the juice of half a lemon and taken twice daily.
Anorexia treatment using Ginger: The use of ginger is valuable in the loss of appetite. About five grams of this vegetable should be ground and licked with a little salt once a day for the treatment of this condition.
Anorexia diet: Orange juice and water. The only effective treatment for anorexia is a thorough cleansing of the digestive tract, and adoption of a sensible diet thereafter, along with a change in the style of living. To begin with, the patient should fast on orange juice and water for three to five days. The procedure is to take the juice of an orange in a glass of warm water, every two hours, from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Nothing else should be taken, as otherwise, the value of the fast will be entirely lost. If orange juice does not agree with the system, only water or half a glass of carrot juice mixed with an equal quantity of water may be taken.
All-fruit diet After the juice fast, the patient may adopt an all-fruit diet for a further five days, taking three meals a day of juicy fruits, such as apples, pears, grapes, grape-fruit, oranges, pineapple, peaches, and melons, at five-hourly intervals.
Restricted diet of cooked vegetables, juicy fruits etc. Thereafter he may adopt a restricted diet of easily-digestible foods, consisting of lightly cooked vegetables, juicy fruits, and buttermilk for about ten days.
Other Anorexia treatments: Warm-water enema. During the first three to five days of the juice fast, the bowels should be cleansed with a warm-water enema each day. The poisonous matter will thus be eliminated by this self cleansing process.
Ice bag application on stomach The application of an ice-bag over the stomach for half an hour before meals, and a cool hip bath once or twice daily, will go a long way in curing anorexia.
Cool hip bath, Sun and cool air bath: Other measures beneficial in the treatment of this condition are sun and cool air baths. An early morning sun bath, taken one day, should be alternated with an early morning cool air bath the next day. An outdoor life and abdominal massages are also advised.
A way to use up those dried up Valentines flowers you receive.
Dry rose petals
1/4 cup whole cloves
1 cup whole allspice
10 (3 inch) cinnamon sticks, broken into pieces
8 small bay leaves
4 whole nutmeg
3 tbs star anise
2 tbs whole cardamom pods
A few drops of perfume oil (optional)
Put all ingredients into a decorative bowl.
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have no money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money
and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.
Getting rid of mosquitoes
The best way of getting rid of mosquitoes is Listerine, the original medicinal type.
The Dollar Store-type works, too. I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared.
The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby.
During the summer, I don't leave home without it.....Pass it on. It kills them instantly. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle so it is not as expensive to use as the can of spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. It will last a couple of days.
Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house if you have one.
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom.
It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.
The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained,
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."
So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7."
"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2," said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week."
A husband shopping center (HusbandMart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day."
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
I just realized that while children are dogs ... loyal and affectionate ... teenagers are cats.
It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorstep, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry ... then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it and it runs away. Tell it to sit and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
1 lb hamburger…fry it up
1 pkg. Taco mix
1 16-oz. can diced tomatoes
1 can kidney beans with liquid
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
1 pkg. frozen corn
Add a little more water if needed. Top with grated cheese, corn chips, and sour cream.
Wintertime Beef Soup
1 lb. lean ground beef
1 medium onion chopped
2 C water
1 can (14-1/2 oz.) diced tomatoes undrained (I use Italian style)
1 can 8 oz tomato sauce
2 t beef bouillon granules
2 t chili powder
2 C chopped cabbage
2 cans (16 oz. each) kidney beans drained and rinsed
4 celery ribs chopped
1 garlic clove minced
2 C tomato juice
½ t salt
1 C shredded carrots
In large sauce pan cook beef, celery, onion, and garlic. Drain. Stir in water, tomato juice, tomatoes, tomato sauce, bouillon, chili powder, carrots and salt. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes. Stir in kidney beans, return to boil. Stir in cabbage, reduce heat, cover and cook 12 minutes longer.
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights." The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My God!" says the priest. "It is a miracle!" The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
A woman dies and goes to the Gates of Heaven where she meets St. Peter.
St. Peter says to her, "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in Heaven under one condition."
The woman says "What's that?"
St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'."
So she does and she is let in to Heaven. As she gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the woman to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds her that she must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, her husband shows up at the gate and she asks him what he is doing there.
He says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and he died.
The wife says, "Alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to Heaven."
He asks, "What's the word?"
She says, "Spell 'Czechoslovakia'."
• You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You enjoy watching the news.
• The phone rings, and you hope it's not for you.
• The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
• You're proud of your lawnmower.
• You start singing along with elevator music.
• You really DO want a new washing machine for your birthday.
• You routinely check the oil in your car.
• You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - TWICE.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• 8 am is your idea of 'sleeping in'.
• You write thank you notes without being told.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
• Others ask for your recipes.
• You start Christmas shopping in August.
• You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
• You don't like to drive after dark.
• You say the words, "Turn that music down!" too often.
• You point out what buildings used to be where.
• You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
• You rake the yard without being told to.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said t o the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!"
Monday, April 21, 2008
The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
I don't question YOUR existence. - God
Man is certainly stark mad: He cannot make a flea, yet he makes gods by the dozens. - Montaigne
Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words. - St. Francis of Assisi
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.
SATAN, SATAN! It's the main megafurnace! She's losin' power and the temperature is dropping fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her! - Scotty in Hell
Beliefs are like watches. Each trusts his own, but no two run the same. - The Pope
During the presidential campaign of 1880, the Christian Union made the startling admission that, of the nineteen men who, up to that time, had held the office of President of the United States, not one, with the possible exception of Washington, had ever been a member of a Christian church. - John Remsburg
If atheism is a religion, then health is a disease - Clark Adams
Is god willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god? - Epicurus (341-270 BCE)
Why Johnny Can't Read - Now available on VHS and multimedia CD-ROM!
For those of you who have children and don't know about it, we have a nursery downstairs. - On a church sign, Dallas
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords - Alan Wilson Watts
And on the 8th day God said: "Ok Murphy, you take over."
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Atheist achieving orgasm: Oh Random! Oh, Chance!
Beware of the Vampire Jesus - He gave his blood for you and he wants it all back now!
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Can priests turn other food into God, or only those little cookies?
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Pfeiffer
Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again.
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job. The maid worked out fine. She was a good cook, was very polite and she kept the house neat. But then one day, after about six months, the housekeeper came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. The maid hemmed and hawed and said she just couldn't stay. But the wife was persistent, so finally the young housekeeper
confessed she was pregnant. The wife said, "Look, my husband and I can't have children, and we sure don't want to lose you. Why don't you stay. We'll adopt your baby."
The maid agreed to stay. The baby came. The couple adopted it, and all went well. A year later, the maid came in again and told her employer she was pregnant. Once again, the couple offered to adopt the child if the girl would agree to stay.
She agreed, the second child was born, and things returned to normal. The entire process was repeated yet again several months later. The couple, their three adopted children and the maid once again settled into a routine. But then the maid once again approached her employers and said she had to quit.
"Oh, Lord! You're not pregnant AGAIN?" exclaimed the lady of the house."
"No, no," the maid responded. "It's just that you just have too many kids to pick up after."
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he still didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious, huh?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betme
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
You couldn't figure out how to break the seal on your standardized intelligence test, so you had to give up.
You wonder how the deer know to cross at the deer crossing signs.
You are confused by the plot twists of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
You once tried to solve a Rubik's cube and had to be institutionalized for over a year.
You had trouble getting in even before they saw the decimal point in your IQ.
You are still struggling to finish "Shoe Laces for Dummies."
Your family had a celebration when you scored a "perfect 10" points on your SAT.
You don't watch PBS because there are no Budweiser or Taco Bell commercials.
Homer Simpson is your idol.
That "which comes first" thing about chicken and eggs just makes you hungry.
10. Your date's hairstyle is best described as early Barbara Bush
9. You're slow-dancing next to your science teacher and his dressed up lab skeleton
8. It's scheduled for Tuesday at 10:00 AM
7. Not only is D.J. playing Bryan Adams, D.J. is Bryan Adams
6. Instead of ice, punch bowl is chilled by the frozen head of Ted Williams
5. Principal interrupts festivities with a short film on Scientology
4. The janitor is mixing the punch with his wrench
3. Prom giveaway is a handful of last week's sloppy joe meat
2. It's chaperoned by Whitney Houston
1. The prom queen is named "Glenn"
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days' work," he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?"
"Yes," said the older brother, "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence - an 8-foot fence so I won't see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger, and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and the he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing and nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide - his jaw dropped.
There was no fence at all. It was a bridge - a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work with handrails and all. And the neighbor, his younger brother was coming across with his hand outstretched. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But Johnny was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny: Shake hands.
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring.
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good.
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Johnny: Fire truck.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Herbed Leg of Pork
A salty "dry marinade" rubbed into the meat sharpens the natural flavor, and forms a crisp coating. Leg of pork is sometimes called "fresh ham," and it makes splendid sandwiches.
1 T salt
2 t freshly ground pepper
2 t thyme
2 t sage
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 T oil
6-8 lbs. leg of pork
Stir together the salt, pepper, thyme, sage, and garlic. Rub the oil over the pork, then coat it evenly with the herb mixture. Soak a couple of large handfuls (about ¼ lb) hickory chips in water. Have a barbecue fire ready for indirect cooking. Drop some of the damp wood chips on the fire and set the meat on the grilling rack. Cover the barbecue and open vents halfway. Cook for about 2-1/2 hours, turning the meat once. Every 45 minutes, sprinkle more wood chips on the fire and add more briquets as necessary to maintain a constant temperature. Pork is done at an internal temperature at 160°F. Let rest for about 15 minutes before carving.
Serves 10 to 12
A school teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes your eyes water?”
Little Johnny replies, “A turnip miss.”
”No Johnny,” says the teacher, “I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?”
”No miss,” says Little Johnny, “Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?”
# Color safe
# Non polluting
# No static cling
# Lifetime warranty
# Softens hard water
# No harsh chemicals
# No chemical residues
# Will not damage fabrics
# Rinse cycle becomes a 2nd cleaning cycle
Cooking for your dogs is making a comeback. Some owners, scared by the 2007 pet food contamination scandal, trust what they make themselves more than what they find on shelves. Others just like to treat their best furry friend to a homemade goody every now and then.
Either way, dishing up food for your pooch can be good for his health--so long as you keep a few guidelines in mind.
Learn more from this link.
Learning Treasures is your place for great teaching resources for home-schoolers.
Many details on these following sections: Science Nook, Math, Language Arts, History, Themes, Bible, Printables, Geography, Coloring Pages
Available at these sections: http://www.learningtreasures.com/
This tool automates the manual cleanup steps for the .NET Framework 2.0 that I posted a while ago. These steps have helped solve most of the known .NET Framework 2.0 beta uninstall issues that I know of. In addition, the tool can be useful to return your system to a known (relatively clean) state in case you run into any .NET Framework 2.0 installation failures so that you can try to install again.
The updated version of the cleanup tool contains options to clean up the .NET Framework 1.0, 1.1, 2.0, 3.0 and 3.5 separately and all versions simultaneously in a single step. The cleanup tool contains logic so that if it is run on an OS version that includes the .NET Framework as an OS component, it will not offer the option to clean it up. This means that running the cleanup tool on Windows XP Media Center Edition or Tablet PC Edition will not offer the option to clean up the .NET Framework 1.0, running it on Windows Server 2003 will not offer the option to clean up the .NET Framework 1.1 and running it on Windows Vista will not offer the option to clean up the .NET Framework 2.0 or the .NET Framework 3.0.
Read more at this link.
In computer science, A* (pronounced "A star") is a best-first, graph search algorithm that finds the least-cost path from a given initial node to one goal node (out of one or more possible goals).
A* incrementally searches all routes leading from the starting point until it finds the shortest path to a goal. Like all informed search algorithms, it searches first the routes that appear to be most likely to lead towards the goal. What sets A* apart from a greedy best-first search is that it also takes the distance already traveled into account (the g(x) part of the heuristic is the cost from the start, and not simply the local cost from the previously expanded node).
Read more at this link.
LEGO Digital Designer is quite simply the best virtual building system out there – with its “Click-Stick” method of 3D modeling winning praise from children, parents, teachers and design enthusiasts everywhere. And, as the virtual design platform behind a growing number of LEGO products, LEGO Digital Designer is here to stay.
A host of improvements and new features are already in development, including an improved user interface, new connectivity, more life-like building, Technic compatibility and improved train building and animation. So stay tuned – with LEGO Digital Designer, the future is yours.
New features include:
* New brick assortment
* Support for train elements
* Animated trains
* Backgrounds in view mode
* Sound effects
* Minifigs and decorated bricks
* HTML building instructions
* Copy, Cut, Paste, Select All
* Ldraw exporter
* New “Check Price” button
* Mac version runs on Intel Macs
Available from this location.
Little Fighter 2 (LF2) is a popular free PC fighting game. The game supports upto 4 human players on 1 computer, and a total of 8 characters using online play or computer-controlled opponents.
Available from this link.
SeaTools for DOS can test Seagate or Maxtor Parallel ATA (PATA and IDE) and Serial ATA (SATA) interface disc drives. Because the software boots to its own operating system you can test your drive regardless of the OS installed on it. You can even test a new or completely blank drive. SeaTools for DOS will instruct the drive to run its built in Drive Self Test (DST) and give either a pass or fail status. If you are troubleshooting your disc drive and the DST passes, then you have a good drive!
SeaTools for Windows is a comprehensive, easy-to-use diagnostic tool that helps you quickly determine the condition of the disc drive in your external hard drive, desktop or notebook computer. It includes several tests that will examine the physical media on your Seagate or Maxtor disc drive and any other non-Seagate disc drive.
More information at this location.
This story concerns the legendary sage Mulla Nasruddin, whose humourous tales contain a delightful down to earth wisdom which cross cultures and centuries. Many different middle-eastern regions claim him to be their own, where the ever popular Nasruddin is often shown besting his worldly superiors. As in the following anecdote, he somehow always manages to score the winning point.
The Sultan of Arabia had grown very fond of Mulla Nasruddin and often took him along on his travels. Once, while on a journey, the royal caravan approached a small nondescript town in the desert.
On a whim, the Sultan said to the Mulla, "I wonder if people would know me in this small place. Let us stop my entourage here and enter the town on foot, and then we'll see if they can recognize me."
Accordingly, they dismounted and walked down the main road of the dusty town. The Sultan was surprised to see that many people smiled at Nasruddin, but ignored him completely.
Irritated and a trifle angry, he said, "I see that the people here know you but they don't know me!"
"They don't know me either, Your Excellency!" replied the Mulla, innocently.
"Then why did they only smile at you?" questioned the Sultan.
"Because I smiled at them." said Nasruddin, smiling.
This simple tale beautifully portrays how the simplicity of a childlike smile can speak more than worldly finery and authority. Often we may believe in the power of our intelligence, or our ability to impress or argue a point, but fundamentally when we express the five human values as 'love in action' we will more often than not receive a response from people's hearts and create little miracles of love. Sometimes the silent strength hidden in our soul can blossom forth in a simple smile - try it!
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'
The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'
Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'
The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'
This bloke is sitting at home one night when there's a loud knock on the door.
The man answers the door and is surprised to find that there's a six foot tall beetle standing on his doorstep.
Before the bloke has time to speak the beetle launches a frenzied attack on him and after a flurry of blows it leaves.
The bloke is covered in cuts and bruises and immediately goes to see his doctor.
On seeing him, the doctor asks, "What happened?"
The man replies, "You won't believe me. I was beaten up by a massive beetle."
On seeing that his doctor is nonplussed by this the man asks, "Well, aren't you surprised?"
The doctor replies, "Not really. There's a nasty bug going around."
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.
Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could
be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, 'Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.'
'Incredible!' exclaimed the man. 'I can't believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!'
'No, no,' pleaded the dog. 'Please don't! If that man finds out I can
talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!'
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation from college where my duty was repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along, and asked me what I was doing.
I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where). "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that..."
I felt like my body had got totally out of shape, so following my doctor's advice, I joined a fitness club to start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time my leotards were finally on, the class was over.
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street, you idiot. You drove!"
Young Man: "Sir, could you please tell me what time it is?"
Old Man: "Certainly not!"
Young Man: "Sir, but why? It wouldn't cost you anything to tell me the time?"
Old Man: "It certainly may cost me something if I tell you the time."
Young Man: "But Sir, can you tell me how?"
Old Man: "See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and maybe tomorrow you will again ask me the time."
Young Man: "Quite possible."
Old Man: "Maybe we will meet two or three times more and you will ask my name and address."
Young Man: "Quite possible."
Old Man: "One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and stopped just to say, 'Hello'. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of coffee. After my courteous approach, you will stop for a visit again. This time you will appreciate the coffee and ask who made it."
Young Man: "Possible."
Old Man: "Then I have to introduce my beautiful young daughter to you and you will admire her very much."
Young Man: smiles.......
Old Man: "Then you will try to meet my daughter more often. You will then probably ask her out on a date. Possibly dinner and a movie."
Young Man: smiles......
Old Man: "My daughter may start to like you very much, and after dating regularly, you will fall in love with her and propose marriage."
Young Man: smiles.....
Old Man: "Then the both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission."
Young Man: "Oh Yes!!!"
Old Man: (Angrily) "Young man, I will never allow my daughter to marry a man who can't even afford a watch!"
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Hillary's First Night as President
Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'
Washington says, 'Never tell a lie.'
'Ouch!' Says Hillary, 'I don't know about that.'
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'
Jefferson says, 'Listen to the people.'
'Ohhh! I really, really don't want to do that.'
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, 'How can
I best serve my country?'
Lincoln says, 'Go to the theater.'
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pygmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pygmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pygmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 260 of us."
ATTRACTION - The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT - What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY - A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT - A method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING - A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex."
So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new learned husband?" She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
----> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
----> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra
----> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
----> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
----> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
----> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
----> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
----> To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
----> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down .
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence .
4. Give you the remote control during the game .
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair .
7. His hands always find yours .
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages .
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork .
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know how to be serious .
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious .
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor .
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason .
26. Quit smoking , chewing , drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u that much to quit it.
One Early morning a mother niwent to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some
people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without
even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because
he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The
preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said,
"75." "That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech
impediment said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked
the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to
b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
It was entertainment night at the Senior's Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.*
*It took three days to clean up the Seniors' Center.*
Morris saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. Surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered, he thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman.
'Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?', he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching
the door, he turns back again.
'Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now
the car will arrive?' The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
'Years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?' Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
'That's a relief!' says Morris. 'The plumber will be coming that morning!'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea , right?"
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple , right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'Gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey, "what wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked - but your client didn't."
Wild Duck w/Peanut Stuffing
½ duck per serving unless very small
The peanuts add a congenial taste and a nice crunch to the meat.
¾ C cracker crumbs
½ C chopped dry-roasted peanuts
½ C or more heavy cream
2 T butter, melted
2 t grated onion
Pinch of cayenne pepper
1 wild duck
Freshly ground black pepper
2 slices salt pork
Combine the crumbs, peanuts, cream, butter, grated onion, and cayenne. If the stuffing seems too dry, add a little more cream. Preheat the oven to 450°F. Rinse the duck inside and out with cold water; dry thoroughly. Stuff and skewer shut, then truss by winding string twice around one leg, then leaving an inch of slack and winding it around the other leg. Place the duck breast up on a rack in a shallow pan. Sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste and cover the breast with the salt pork. Roast for 20-30 minutes, basting every 5 minutes with the melted fat.
The one absolute must about roasting quail is that the skin becomes dark brown and crisp. It is this darkened, crisp skin that is delicious and converts people into quail lovers. It seems to me that a slightly sweet coating brings out the best in quail, so I'm adding a favorite baste of butter and honey. Serve the quail with Basic Polenta (post later) or Spoon Bread (post later) and some bitter greens.
¼ lb butter
2 T honey
Salt to taste
Freshly ground pepper
Preheat the oven to 450°F. Rinse the quail under cold water and pat dry. Put the butter and honey in a small pan and melt over low heat until the basting sauce is blended. Dip each quail and turn on all sides to coat with butter mixture. Salt and pepper all over. Place on a rack in a shallow pan. Roast for about 20 to 30 minutes, basting the quail twice with the butter mixture. Roast until the skin is dark brown. Remove from the oven, split the quail down the back, and serve.
Serves 1 or 2
Someday, this ceremony may be as eagerly-awaited as the Academy Awards. Worthy winners -- who are always legion -- will receive the coveted Golden Gibbon ("Gibby"). Should this be the year the Awards have their debut, a list of certain finalists follows.
First, the runners-up (in random order):
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent one of its men to inspect the cutter. When he tried the machine, he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean driver returned to his bus to find that the 20 mental patients he was transporting had escaped. Not wanting to expose his dereliction of duty, the driver drove to a bus stop and offered a free ride to the first 20 people who boarded the bus. He then delivered them to a Bulawayo mental hospital, warning the staff that the patients were excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
4. A teenager in London was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received while riding on a train. When asked how he the injuries occurred, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a passing train before he was hit. He is now an expert on the subject.
5. A man walked into a Louisiana convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and demanded all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash the thief got from the drawer was $15.
6. An Arkansas man wanted a drink badly. So he decided to break a liquor store window, grab some bottles and take off. He turned his back to the window to protect his face from flying glass and heaved a cinder block over his shoulder. It hit the Plexiglas window, bounced back and struck the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The event was caught on videotape.
7. As a woman left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911, and the woman gave the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, they apprehended him. He was driven back to the store and told to stand up for a positive ID. To which the cooperative thief replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from."
8. An Ann Arbor, Michigan crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the annoyed would-be thief grudgingly ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
9. A Philadelphia restaurant attracted long lines of customers, waiting outside of his luncheonette to order his huge, delicious, very inexpensive sandwiches. When asked how he could afford this, the owner replied, "I lose money on every sandwich I sell, but I make it up in volume." Not long thereafter, the restaurant became a dry cleaner.
And now, the 2008 winner of the Golden Gibbon! (Awarded posthumously):
When his revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent.
"Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show.
He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!" Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants." The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles."
As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."
A company, feeling it is time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week, why?"
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery !!
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
Planting: Strawberry plants (crowns with roots) should be planted only half way up the crowns. Any deeper and they rot and die. Any shallower and they dry and die. The plants need to be about 10-12 inches apart and, planted either in rows about the same width or a little wider. Because they do well in weedless area, they need to have some sort of protection against weeds.
Types: If they are June bearing types, they produce only a single crop per year, and love very rich soil. If they are everbearing types, they will produce throughout the summer, but usually are smaller and less berries.
Propagation: Most plants will send out runners. These look like long stems and will start to form new leaves and roots at their tips. Usually they should have all the runners picked off and removed in the first season, so the plants can put more energy into the berries. After about two years, the crowns tend to get longer and 'leggy'. Usually after the third year, these older leggy plants need to be replaced. Because a single plant can send out several runners in all directions, you can have small pots positioned under each small plant runner, so the roots will take in the small pots. The same fall, these small plants can be cut off from the mother plant and transplanted the following spring. You will eventually have an endless supply of plants if you allow them to root the runners. If they grow unchecked, they will soon over take the patch nearby the runners and if planted too closely, these tend to produce smaller berries if crowded.
Pests: Birds like these as do chipmunks, and they can both carry away a whole berry. One way is to paint some small rocks with bright red paint and set these around the plants to act as decoys. Also rat traps baited with grapes can get rid of many of the other pests. You wil be on your knees a lot, so get used to crawling and weeding, picking and thinning.. Spider mites are an enemy of these plants.
Winter care: Usually they need no covering in winter, but do benefit if there is a heavy weight white platic fabric put down over the plants for the winter months. Covering them over in winter with plant mulch or leaves tend to cause rotting, so should be avoided.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,
"Should we eat them here or take them with us?" Well, I guess I just panicked."
A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test.
The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"
So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust."
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower,
watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Enchiladas w/chicken & Green Sauce
½ C peanut oil
12 flour tortillas
3 C shredded cooked chicken
1 lb Monterey Jack cheese, grated
¼ C heavy cream
½ C finely chopped scallions
1-1/2 C chopped Mexican green tomatoes or tomatillos verdes, fresh or canned
1 C chopped cilantro
4-oz. can peeled green chilies, drained & chopped
1-1/2 C sour cream
Heat the oil in a skillet. Put each tortilla into the hot oil for a few seconds, turning it over so it softens. Stack the tortillas in a pan. Preheat the oven to 375°F. Oil a baking dish about 14 X 9 X 2 inches. Put some chicken, cheese, 1 t of the cream, a sprinkling of scallions, and salt to taste down the center of each tortilla. Roll them loosely and set side by side in the baking dish, with ends overlapping. Cover the dish snugly with foil and bake 30 minutes, until the cheese melts and bubbles a little. Meanwhile, prepare the sauce. Finely chop the tomatoes, cilantro, and green chilies. These can be run through the food processor very briefly so that the texture is in chunks instead of pureed. Stir in the sour cream until it is well blended. Remove the enchiladas from the oven, spoon a little of the green sauce over the top, and pass the rest of the sauce in a bowl.
Makes 6 to 8 Croquettes
2 C finely diced cooked chicken
½ t salt
¼ C minced celery with leaves
Pinch of cayenne pepper
2 t lemon juice
¼ C minced onion
1 T minced parsley
1 C Thick Cream Sauce (post later)
2 eggs, lightly beaten
2 C freshly made bread crumbs
Oil for frying
Mix the chicken, salt, celery, cayenne pepper, lemon juice, onion, parsley, and cream sauce until well blended. Cover with foil, refrigerate until chilled, then form into small cones, 1-1/2 inches at the base and about 2 inches high. Dip them into the beaten eggs, then roll them in oil in a heavy pot, until medium hot---360°F. Add the croquettes, let them brown, turn, and brown on the other side. Don't crowd the pot; do in two batches, if necessary. Drain on paper towels. Place on a warm platter and serve with White Sauce.
Chicken & Ham Croquettes
3 T butter
1 T finely chopped shallot or onion
¼ C flour
½ t salt
¼ t paprika
1/8 t nutmeg
1 C chicken broth
3 egg yolks, lightly beaten
1 C finely diced cooked chicken
½ C finely diced cooked ham
1 large egg, lightly beaten
2 C freshly made bread crumbs
Oil for frying
Melt the butter in a saucepan and stir in the shallot or onion. Cook, stirring, over medium heat until soft. Stir in the flour, salt, paprika, and nutmeg, and cook 2-3 minutes more. Gradually add the chicken broth and bring to the boiling point. Stir ¼ cup of the sauce into the egg yolks, and then return the yolk-sauce mixture to the hot sauce. Add the chicken and ham, and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, for 4-5 minutes. Pour into a shallow bowl and refrigerate until chilled. Shape into small cones, 1-1/2 inches at the base and about 2 inches high. Dip into the beaten egg and roll gently in the bread crumbs. Set to dry on a rack or a piece of wax paper. Heat 3 inches of oil in a heavy pot, until medium hot---360°F. Add the croquettes, and let them brown, turning them, on all sides. Drain on paper towels and place on a warm platter and serve with the sauce.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Most people have many files or folders on their computer which they do not want to others see or use them. If you are interested in protecting your personal information, Free Hide Folder is just what you are searching for. With Free Hide Folder you will protect your files avoiding them to be being modified, seen or erased by other users.
Free Hide Folder is a free computer security software to hide your private folders. It is very useful to keep your personal data away from others. Others will not know where your personal files exist and they will not be able to accidentally view them. You can hide folders simply with a few mouse clicks. Free Hide Folder is protected by a password that you can change or remove at any time.
• Hide your folder completely. Unless you unhide it yourself, nobody can find it.
• Password protection when running program.
• No file system structure modifications needed.
• Any number of folders may be hidden at the same time.
• Easy-to-use user interface.
Details available at this link.
GoldWave is a top rated, professional digital audio editor. It contains so many great features, you will be amazed by all the things it can do:
* Play, edit, mix, and analyze audio
* Record audio from cassettes, vinyl records, radio, etc. through your computer's line-in
* Record dictation through a microphone or play dictation back at a slower speed for transcription (with foot pedal control)
* Record and edit audio for podcasting or telephone systems
* Apply special effects, such as fade, equalizer, doppler, mechanize, echo, reverse, flanger, and more
* Digitally remaster and restore old recordings with noise reduction and pop/click filters
* Make perfect digital copies of audio CD tracks using the CD Reader tool and save them in wav, wma, mp3, or ogg files
* Edit music for dance programs, figure skating, gymnastics
* Analyze human speech, bird song, whale song
* Demonstrate digital signal processing with filter effects and the Expression Evaluator tool
* View a variety of useful real-time visuals and level meters
* Convert files to/from different formats, such as wav, wma, mp3, ogg, aiff, au, vox and even raw binary data
* Expand functionality with plug-ins
* Command line processing
Details available at this link.
Are You Still Doing Laundry the Old Fashioned Way?
• Expand the life of your clothes
• Never buy detergent again
• Reduce pollution in the environment
• Wash everything in cold water
• LaundryWoRx attaches to the cold water inlet of your existing washing machine and converts the water into an ionic cleaning solution
• LaundryWoRx creates water filled with nano-sized bubbles each filled with super-cleaning molecules
• NASA Space Certified technology
• The LaundryWoRx is rated for a 12 year service life
• Pays for itself in less than 3 years for a family of 4
Details available on this link.
WinRAR is a 32-bit Windows version of RAR Archiver, the powerful archiver and archive manager. RAR files can usually compress content 8 to 15 percent more than ZIP or ARJ files. WinRAR's main features include strong general and multimedia compression, the ability to process of non-RAR archive formats, long filename support, programmable self-extracting archives (SFX), damaged-archive repair, authenticity verification, embedded file comments, and encryption. Unicode is supported in archive file names, allowing non-English file names to be handled painlessly.
Older versions of WinRAR (and other softwares) available at this link.
jZip is a new and free compression utility for Windows. jZip supports multiple popular archive formats such as Zip, RAR, 7z, ISO, TAR and GZip. It is fully compatible with archives created by other utilities such as WinZip, WinRar and 7-Zip.
jZip is built on proven and reliable 7-Zip technology. 7-Zip technology is fast and achieves compression ratios that are higher or equivalent to other leading compression programs. jZip differs from applications like WinZip when it comes to cost. jZip is 100% free to use on any computer at work, at home, at school or anywhere else.
jZip is fully compatible with all your current Zip, RAR, 7z and many other formats. Creating a high quality and reliable compression engine is not an easy task. In order to provide the most reliable compression experience jZip was built on top of a state of the art compression engine - 7-Zip - a well proven, highly reliable compression engine.
Details and download available at this link.
* Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
What is hepatitis B? Hepatitis B is a virus that infects the liver. Most adults who get hepatitis B have it for a short time and then get better. This is called acute hepatitis B. You can have hepatitis B and not know it. You may not have symptoms. If you do, they can make you feel like you have the flu. But as long as you have the virus, you can spread it to others.
Sometimes the virus does not go away. This is called chronic hepatitis B. Over time, it can damage your liver. Babies and young children infected with the virus are more likely to get chronic hepatitis B.
What causes hepatitis B? Hepatitis B is caused by the hepatitis B virus. It is spread through contact with the blood and body fluids of an infected person. Hepatitis B is one of the most easily spread (contagious) forms of viral hepatitis, which includes hepatitis A, B, C, D, and E. However, hepatitis has many other causes, including some medications, long-term alcohol use, fatty deposits in the liver, and exposure to certain industrial chemicals.
How HBV is spread? HBV is spread when blood, semen, or vaginal fluids (including menstrual blood) from an infected person enter another person's body, usually in one of the following ways:
Sexual contact. The hepatitis B virus can enter the body through a break in the lining of the rectum, vagina, urethra, or mouth. Sexual contact is the most important risk factor for the spread of HBV in North America.
Sharing needles. People who share needles and other equipment (such as cotton, spoons, and water) used for injecting illegal drugs may inject HBV-infected blood into their veins.
Work-related exposure. People who handle blood or instruments used to draw blood may become infected with the virus. Health care workers are at risk of becoming infected with the virus if they are accidentally stuck with a used needle or other sharp instrument infected with an infected person's blood, or if blood splashes onto an exposed surface, such as the eyes, mouth, or a cut in the skin.
Childbirth. A newborn baby can get the virus from his or her mother during delivery when the baby comes in contact with the mother's body fluids in the birth canal (perinatal transmission) . However, breast-feeding does not transmit the virus from a woman with HBV to her child.
Body piercings and tattoos. HBV can be spread when needles used for body piercing or tattooing are not properly cleaned (sterilized) and HBV-infected blood enters a person's skin.
Toiletries. Grooming items such as razors and toothbrushes can spread HBV if they carry blood from a person who is infected with the virus.
In the past, blood transfusions were a common means of spreading HBV. Today, all donated blood in the United States is screened for the virus, so it is extremely unlikely that you could become infected with the virus from a blood transfusion.
Contagious and incubation periods: Symptoms appear an average of 60 to 90 days (although they can appear 45 to 180 days) after you have contact with the hepatitis B virus (incubation period). Blood, semen, and vaginal fluids (including menstrual blood), whether fresh or dried, are highly contagious (HBV can be easily spread) during this period and for several weeks after the onset of symptoms.
Blood contains the highest quantities of the hepatitis B virus.
Blood and other body fluids that contain the virus can remain contagious for at least a week and possibly much longer, even if they are dried.
If you have a short-term HBV (acute) infection, you usually cannot spread the virus after antibodies against the surface antigen of HBV appear. This generally takes several weeks. If you have a long-term (chronic) HBV infection, you are able to spread the virus as long as the condition lasts.
A mother who has the virus can pass it to her baby during delivery. If you are pregnant and think you may have been exposed to hepatitis B, get tested. If you have the virus, your baby can get shots to help prevent the virus.
You cannot get hepatitis B from casual contact such as hugging, kissing, sneezing, coughing, or sharing food or drinks.
What are the symptoms? Less than half of those with short-term (acute) hepatitis B infections have symptoms. Symptoms include:
Jaundice (the skin and whites of the eyes appear yellow). Although jaundice is the defining sign of hepatitis B, it does not occur in most cases. Jaundice usually appears after other symptoms have started to go away.
Extreme tiredness (fatigue).
Loss of appetite.
Constant discomfort on the right side of the abdomen under the rib cage, where the liver is located. In most people, the discomfort is made worse when their bodies are jarred or if they overwork themselves.
Diarrhea or constipation.
Most people with chronic HBV have no symptoms.
If you were infected with acute HBV but had no symptoms, you may not find out that you once had hepatitis B, or that you currently have long-term (chronic) HBV infection, until you have a routine blood test or donate blood or until a family member or someone you live with is found to be infected. Some people never know they have hepatitis B until a health professional finds that they have cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma). However, this is uncommon.
Your health professional will diagnose hepatitis B virus (HBV) infection based on a physical examination, your medical history, and blood tests. You will be asked questions about risk factors for hepatitis B (such as about your job or sexual activity) and about factors that could make the disease worse (such as your alcohol use or family history of liver cancer). If your health professional thinks you have been exposed to or are infected with the virus, you will need tests to find out more about your condition.
Hepatitis blood tests include:
Hepatitis B antigens and antibodies, which help determine whether you are or were once infected with HBV, whether you have been immunized, whether you have long-term (chronic) HBV infection, and whether you can pass the virus to others (contagious) .
Hepatitis B viral DNA (HBV DNA), which detects genetic material (DNA) from the hepatitis B virus. HBV DNA indicates that the virus is multiplying in your body (active) and that it is contagious.
Tests that determine whether the hepatitis A, hepatitis C, or Epstein-Barr (which causes infectious mononucleosis, or "mono") viruses are causing your hepatitis if the results of your tests show that HBV is not multiplying in your body.
Tests that determine the cause of liver inflammation if it is not a viral cause.
Tests that determine whether you are infected with hepatitis D along with hepatitis B.
Liver tests include:
Bilirubin, albumin, and prothrombin time, which help determine how well your liver is functioning. Cholesterol testing also may be done.
Alanine aminotransferase (ALT), aspartate aminotransferase (AST), alkaline phosphatase, and lactic dehydrogenase (LDH), which help determine whether your liver is damaged or inflamed. These tests measure enzymes. However, these tests alone are not a reliable way to confirm a diagnosis of hepatitis B. Additional tests usually are needed.
Tests may be done if you have chronic HBV infection and are considering antiviral treatment. These tests also may be used to determine whether treatment has been helpful in controlling liver damage caused by chronic HBV infection. They include:
MRI (may be used in rare cases)
Removing a tissue sample from the liver (liver biopsy).
If you have chronic hepatitis B, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends that you be vaccinated for hepatitis A if you have not been vaccinated or are not immune to this disease.
If you are at risk for liver cancer, an alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) test may be done. If the AFP level is elevated, it may indicate liver cancer.
If you have chronic HBV infection, you will need to visit your health professional regularly. He or she will do blood tests to monitor your liver function and the activity of the hepatitis B virus in your body. Some of the tests can tell your health professional whether HBV is actively multiplying in your liver, which increases your risk for chronic hepatitis. Chronic hepatitis can lead to cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma).
The CDC recommends that all pregnant women have the hepatitis B surface antigen test. This test also may be repeated later in the pregnancy if a woman is at high risk for infection.
People who were once exposed to the hepatitis B virus, especially people who moved to the United States from a country where the virus is common, often develop lifelong protection (immunity) against HBV and do not need to be vaccinated. However, people from countries where HBV infection is common may carry the virus and should be screened for the virus.
You can be screened for hepatitis B before getting vaccinated. However, keep in mind that:
Hepatitis B vaccination may cost less than screening. Screening costs include the cost of a health professional visit and laboratory tests. If antibodies against HBV are not found, you will have to pay for the full vaccination series (three shots given at different times), including the cost of additional office visits.
You can receive the hepatitis B vaccine even if you already have antibodies against HBV in your bloodstream, and no harm will result.
Treatment Overview Treatment of hepatitis B viral (HBV) infection depends on how active the virus is and whether you are at risk for liver damage such as cirrhosis. Short-term (acute) hepatitis B usually goes away on its own; home treatment is used to relieve symptoms and help prevent spread of the virus. In long-term (chronic) HBV infection, treatment includes monitoring the condition and using antiviral medications to prevent liver damage. If hepatitis B has severely damaged your liver, a liver transplant may be considered. The American Association for the Study of Liver Disease has made recommendations on who should receive antiviral treatment for chronic hepatitis B based on the presence of hepatitis B antigens in your blood, the level of HBV DNA in your blood, and the levels of your liver enzymes. Initial treatment Your initial treatment for hepatitis B (HBV) infection depends on whether you are seeing your health professional because you believe you may have
recently been infected with the hepatitis B virus (HBV), you have the symptoms of acute HBV infection, or you have chronic HBV infection. If you believe you have recently been exposed to HBV, you should receive a shot of hepatitis B immune globulin (HBIG) and the first of three immunization shots of hepatitis B vaccine. It is important to receive this treatment within 7 days after a needle stick and within 2 weeks after sexual contact that may have exposed you to the virus. The sooner you receive treatment after exposure, the more effective treatment is. If you have the symptoms of acute hepatitis B, treatment with medication is usually not needed. Home treatment usually will relieve your symptoms and help prevent the spread of the virus. To help relieve symptoms and prevent the spread of the infection:
Slow down to reduce fatigue. Reduce your activity level to match your energy level. Don't go to work or school unless your workload can be reduced to match your energy level. Avoid strenuous exercise. As you start to feel better, go back to your regular activities gradually.
Eat right. Even though food may not appeal to you, it is important to get adequate nutrition. For most people, nausea and loss of appetite become worse as the day goes on. Try eating a substantial (but not heavy) meal in the morning and lighter meals later in the day.
Drink plenty of liquids to avoid dehydration. It is important that you keep your body well-hydrated when you have hepatitis B, especially if you have been vomiting. Drink plenty of water and, if you can tolerate them, drink fruit juices and broth to obtain additional calories. Rehydration drinks help replenish electrolytes.
Avoid alcohol and drugs. Hepatitis B makes it difficult for your liver to process drugs and alcohol. If you take drugs (prescription or illegal) or drink alcohol when you have hepatitis, their effects may be more powerful and may last longer. In addition, alcohol and some drugs can worsen liver damage. You should avoid alcohol until your health professional feels that your liver is completely healed, which may take as long as 3 to 4 months. Ask your health professional about using prescription medications.
Try to control itching. People with hepatitis B sometimes develop itchy skin. You can use nonprescription medications, such as Benadryl or Chlor-Trimeton, to control itching. Talk to your health professional before taking nonprescription medications.
Prevent the spread of HBV by informing people you live with or sleep with about the illness, not sharing personal toiletries (such as razors and toothbrushes) , and using a condom or abstaining from sex.
If you have chronic HBV infection, treatment depends on how active the virus is in your body and the potential for liver damage. The goal of treatment is to stop liver damage by preventing the virus from multiplying.
Antiviral medication is used if the virus is active and you are at risk for liver damage. Medication slows the ability of the virus to multiply. Antiviral medicine for hepatitis B include
Interferons such as interferon alfa-2b and pegylated interferon alfa-2a.
Nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs) such as adefovir, lamivudine, and entecavir.
Whether or not you are taking medication, you will need to visit your health professional regularly. He or she will do blood tests to monitor your liver function and the activity of the hepatitis B virus (HBV) in your body. Some of the tests can determine whether HBV is actively multiplying in your liver, which increases your risk for chronic hepatitis. Chronic hepatitis can lead to liver damage and disease such as cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma). Ongoing treatment Ongoing treatment for chronic hepatitis B (HBV) infection consists of using antiviral medication (if necessary) and seeing your health professional on a regular basis to monitor the virus and check for liver damage. Antiviral medication for hepatitis B includes:
Interferons such as interferon alfa-2b and pegylated interferon alfa-2a.
Nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs) such as adefovir, lamivudine, and entecavir.
Whether or not you are taking medication, you will need to visit your health professional regularly. He or she will do blood tests to monitor your liver function and the activity of the hepatitis B virus (HBV) in your body. Some of the tests can determine whether HBV is actively multiplying in your liver, which increases your risk for chronic hepatitis. Chronic hepatitis can lead to liver damage and disease such as cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma).
Treatment if the condition gets worse Hepatitis B (HBV) infection can lead to liver damage and diseases such as cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma). If you develop significant liver damage because of hepatitis and your condition becomes life-threatening, you may need a liver transplant.
Home treatment is important for relieving symptoms and preventing the spread of hepatitis B virus (HBV).
While there is no specific medical treatment for short-term (acute) hepatitis B, there are some things you can do that may help you feel better while the illness is running its course.
Reduce your activity level to match your energy level. You don't have to stay in bed, but listen to your body and slow down when you become tired.
Don't go to work or school unless your workload can be reduced to match your energy level.
Avoid strenuous exercise.
As you start to feel better, go back to your regular activities gradually. If you try to meet your regular pace too soon, you may get sick again.
Even though food may not appeal to you, it is important to get adequate nutrition. For most people, nausea and loss of appetite become worse as the day goes on. Try eating a substantial (but not heavy) meal in the morning and lighter meals later in the day.
Health professionals used to recommend a high-calorie, protein-rich diet to people who have hepatitis. This is no longer believed to be of any benefit, and such foods can be hard to eat when you feel nauseated. Try to maintain a balanced diet while eating foods that appeal to you.
Avoid dehydration It is important that you keep your body well-hydrated when you have hepatitis B, especially if you have been vomiting.
Drink plenty of water.
If you can tolerate them, fruit juices and broth are other good choices because they provide additional calories.
Many of the "sports drinks" available in grocery stores can help replace essential minerals (electrolytes) that are lost during vomiting. You can also make your own rehydration drink.
Avoid alcohol and drugs Hepatitis impairs your liver's ability to process drugs and alcohol. If you take drugs (prescription or illegal) or drink alcohol when you have hepatitis, their effects may be more powerful and may last longer. In addition, alcohol and some drugs can worsen liver damage.
If you are taking prescription medications, your health professional may instruct you to stop using them until your liver has had time to heal. Do not stop taking prescription medications unless your health professional has told you to do so.
Check with your health professional before taking any new medications or continuing the use of nonprescription medications, including herbal products and acetaminophen (such as Tylenol). Acetaminophen can worsen liver disease, especially if you continue to drink alcohol.
You should avoid alcohol until your health professional feels that your liver is completely healed. This may take as long as 3 to 4 months.
People with hepatitis sometimes develop itchy skin. You can control itching by keeping cool and out of the sun, wearing cotton clothing, or using nonprescription medications, such as Benadryl or Chlor-Trimeton. Talk to your health professional if you want to take nonprescription medications.
Be sure to follow the instructions for use that are provided with the product, and stop using the product if you have any side effects.
See your health professional regularly if you have chronic HBV infection If you have been diagnosed with long-term (chronic) HBV infection, your health professional will recommend that you be vaccinated for hepatitis A if you have not been vaccinated or are not immune to this disease. For more information on hepatitis A, see the topic Hepatitis A. You also will need to visit your health professional regularly. He or she will do blood tests to monitor your liver function and the activity of the hepatitis B virus (HBV) in your body. Some of the tests can tell your doctor whether HBV is actively multiplying in your liver, which increases your risk for chronic hepatitis. Chronic hepatitis can lead to liver disease such as cirrhosis or liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma).
Can hepatitis B be prevented? The hepatitis B vaccine is the best way to prevent infection. The vaccine is a series of three shots. Adults at risk and all babies, children, and teenagers should be vaccinated.
To avoid getting or spreading the virus to others:
Use a condom when you have sex.
Do not share needles.
Wear latex or plastic gloves if you have to touch blood.
Do not share toothbrushes or razors.