THE 2007 ANNUAL DARWINIAN AWARDS

Someday, this ceremony may be as eagerly-awaited as the Academy Awards. Worthy winners -- who are always legion -- will receive the coveted Golden Gibbon ("Gibby"). Should this be the year the Awards have their debut, a list of certain finalists follows.

First, the runners-up (in random order):

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent one of its men to inspect the cutter. When he tried the machine, he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean driver returned to his bus to find that the 20 mental patients he was transporting had escaped. Not wanting to expose his dereliction of duty, the driver drove to a bus stop and offered a free ride to the first 20 people who boarded the bus. He then delivered them to a Bulawayo mental hospital, warning the staff that the patients were excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

4. A teenager in London was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received while riding on a train. When asked how he the injuries occurred, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a passing train before he was hit. He is now an expert on the subject.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and demanded all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash the thief got from the drawer was $15.

6. An Arkansas man wanted a drink badly. So he decided to break a liquor store window, grab some bottles and take off. He turned his back to the window to protect his face from flying glass and heaved a cinder block over his shoulder. It hit the Plexiglas window, bounced back and struck the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The event was caught on videotape.

7. As a woman left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911, and the woman gave the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, they apprehended him. He was driven back to the store and told to stand up for a positive ID. To which the cooperative thief replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from."

8. An Ann Arbor, Michigan crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the annoyed would-be thief grudgingly ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

9. A Philadelphia restaurant attracted long lines of customers, waiting outside of his luncheonette to order his huge, delicious, very inexpensive sandwiches. When asked how he could afford this, the owner replied, "I lose money on every sandwich I sell, but I make it up in volume." Not long thereafter, the restaurant became a dry cleaner.

And now, the 2008 winner of the Golden Gibbon! (Awarded posthumously):

When his revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.