Humor: Doctor and cryptic comments

THE doctor purses his lips, looks at you pityingly over his half-moon spectacles and quietly writes something on his clipboard, something short, sharp and authoritative. He turns away to answer the phone and you seize the diversion to sneak a look at your case notes. He has written: "Plumbum oscillans."

What disease can this be? It sounds contagious... maybe even fatal... Is it time to phone friends and family and say farewell? Is your will up to date?

Relax.

Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health - it is Latin for "swinging the lead," and it is the doctor's discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work.

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsayable, especially to the patient.

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary's Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms.

They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for "Unexplained Beer Injury"), PAFO ("Pissed And Fell Over") and ATFO ("Asked To F... Off"), not to mention Code Brown, referring to a faecal incontinence emergency.

Then there is DBI, for "Dirtbag Index." This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient's body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one's records.

The first means "Circling The Drain," the second signifies "Good for Parts Only" and "Rule of Five" means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance.

A patient who is "giving the O-sign" is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the "Q-sign" -- when the tongue hangs out of the mouth -- when the patient becomes terminal.

General practitioners may use LOBNH ("Lights On But Nobody Home") or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick.

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: "Pumpkin positive", referring to the idea that the person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for "God Only Knows."

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means "Funny Looking Kid" and NFN signifies "Normal For Norfolk," a rural English county.

Fox says he has a list of more than 200 terms used by medical practitioners in Britain but his collection shows that doctors around the world make up their own versions.

In Brazil, for instance, physicians use the acronym PIMBA for what can be translated as "swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar."

Fox agrees that some terms are offensive and even cause confusion to other doctors who are not in the know.

But he asks at least for critics to understand the stress that doctors face every day. And in any case, the colourful language is under threat of dying out because of fears of lawsuits.

"The use of medical slang helps to depersonalise the distress encountered in doctors' everyway working lives," Fox told the British Medical Journal (BMJ) last year.

"It is a way of detaching and distancing oneself from patients' distress through loss, grief, disease, dying and death. Often someone else's pain is too much for us, so we cut up..."

2 small jokes

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."





A patient limped into his doctor's office.

The doctor handed him a large pill.

Just then, the nurse called the doctor out of the room to ask him a question.

While the doctor was gone, the patient hobbled over to the sink, ran some water in a paper cup and swallowed the pill.

Just then the doctor returned with a bucket and said, "Now, drop the pill into the bucket and we'll soak your foot."

Humour: Cost cutting measures in a hospital

To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.

2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument
tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewskee before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.

6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.

7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.

8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.

9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first
name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.

10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.

11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from
administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be provided
for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in
emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.

15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.

16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.

17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers
are available for patient use.

18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.

19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to look up the number to "Dial-A-Prayer" if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.

20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before staying with us because the hot water will be turned off permanently. If you're well enough to take a shower or bath, you're well enough to be at home.

21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators will be programmed to go up only once an hour.

If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.

Hospital humour: Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

More details about asthma - some facts and information

Meaning of the word, derived from ancient Greek. Asthma is a word meaning 'panting or shortdrawn breath'. As the word means, one of the common symptoms of an asthma patient is that they get frequent attacks of breathlessness, in between which he/she may even be completely normal. It is an allergic condition resulting from the reaction of the body to one or more allergens, and is the most troublesome of respiratory diseases.

Symptoms of asthma: Primarily, gasping for breath. Patients suffering from asthma appear to be gasping for breath. In more detail, what happens is, actually, they have more difficulty in breathing out than breathing in, and this is caused by spasms or sudden involuntary muscular contractions of the smaller air passages in the lungs.

Asthma Causes: Allergy can be caused by weather conditions, but there are other factors as well. Asthma may be caused due to an allergy caused by different factors such as weather conditions, food, drugs, perfumes, and other irritants. Allergies to dust are the most common.

Cures for asthma: Asthma treatment using Honey. Honey is one of the most common home remedies for asthma. It is said that if a jug of honey is held under the nose of an asthma patient and he inhales the air that comes into contact with it, he starts breathing easier and deeper. However, as with many natural treatments, you should not depend totally on them unless you are sure that they work.

Asthma treatment using Figs: Among fruits, figs have proved very valuable in asthma. They give comfort to the patient by draining off the phlegm. Three or four dry figs should be cleaned thoroughly with warm water and soaked overnight.

Asthma treatment using Lemon: Lemon is another fruit found beneficial in the treatment of asthma. The juice of one lemon, diluted in a glass of water and taken with meals, will bring good results.

Joke: Direct questions from an old man

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts
so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, "Sir,
how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm
sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and
you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't
hurt!"

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery... enough to give you a heart attack

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

-There go the lights again...

-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-What's this doing here?

-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Joke: The high and mighty businessman and the head nurse

A big-shot businessman had to spend a few days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did with
his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his
room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his
mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "But for this reading, I cannot use an
oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I
get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked
the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't... Not
with a carnation anyway."

Weird news: Couple decide to donate baby to natural parents

Consider the case when a couple has gone in for in vitro fertilization treatment at a fertility clinic, and a few days are told that the operation is smooth, and successful; and that the lady is pregnant. However, there is one problem. Inspite of the fact that the operation went through smoothly, there is one glitch, the baby that was implanted was not in fact theirs due to an error. What do you do in a case like this ? You can rant and rave, but in the end, you need to decide something.
The couple did finally take a decision, where they decided that they would give the baby to the couple who were the genetic parents, and now, that time has come, since the baby was delivered a couple of days ago. Read more about it at this article.

Weird news: Man dies as bacteria kills flesh faster than doctors

Once in a while you hear of a medical condition that sounds really horrific. The problems with a disease like Ebola where the mortality rate is extremely high was nothing compared to this disease that killed a man even as he was being operated on in the hospital. His flesh was being killed by a bacteria faster than doctors could control the spread the infection, and he died within 4 hours of infection. When you hear of such a case, you normally hope that this does not happen to someone known to you (link to article):

The infection moved through Mr Johnson's body so quickly that doctors could actually see it spreading up from his leg to his abdomen as they operated, an inquest into his death was told. The rare infection occurs in the deeper layers of skin and is typically caused by many types of bacteria entering an open wound, especially after major surgery.

Paras Hospital - A leading hospital of Gurgaon

Paras Hospital is one of the superior hospitals (a private sector hospital) located in Gurgaon. They also do the preventive full medical checkups that are now a part of modern preventive processes (find problems before the problem hits you).

Some of the specialties are:

Neuro Sciences
Joint Replacement & Orthopaedics
Mother & Child
Advanced Imaging Center
Paras Heart Institute
Trauma and accidents

In addition, they have the normal list of various departments as mentioned on this site (link)

Map to location of Paras Hospital in Gurgaon:



Contact Details:

Paras Hospitals, C-1 Block, Sushant Lok- Phase I, Sector-43, Gurgaon, Haryana 122002
24x7 Enquiry : 91-124-4585555
Emergency : 91-124-4585666
OPD Reception : 91-124-4585574 / 91-124-4585581
TPA / Corporate Desk : 91-124-4585571
Admission : 91-124-4585573
Cath Lab no. 91-124-4585333
Health Check Up Appointments : 91-124-4585580
HR Deptt. 91-124-4585603
Fax : 91-124-4585572
Blood bank: 91-124-4585500, 4585501

Weird news: Doctors take 1 Kg of hair out of a girl's stomach

Wonder how many people have heard of Rapunzel's syndrome ? People would have heard of the fairy tale of Rapunzel who had very long hair and it was with the help of this hair that her price managed to rescue her from her prison on the top of a tall tower. However, in medicine there is an ailment called Rapunzel Syndrome where girls under the age of 15 are known to swallow hair. This is a condition that requires psychiatric treatment since in many cases, the girls deny that they eat hair. In a case in India, the doctors admitted a girl who had trouble eating, who used to vomit; they found a lump in her cancer that turned out to be a lump made up of 1 Kg of hair (link to article):

VADODARA: When this 13-year-old patient walked in the hospital complaining of abdominal pain and vomiting, doctors thought that she was suffering from some routine stomach disorder. Post-diagnosis, the rare ailment left the doctors stumped. Her reports revealed that the patient had a big lump of hair in her stomach measuring 50 cm.
This syndrome is usually observed in girls below 15 years and in such cases the patient has to be operated upon to remove the lump from the stomach. "The patient came to us with pain in upper abdomen, vomiting and was unable to eat anything. We investigated her, got a CT scan and endoscopy done. The diagnosis revealed that the patient had a big ball of hair in the stomach, giving impression of hard lump," said a paediatrician Samir Brahmbhatt.

A strange ailment, but it is good that the doctors were able to remove the hair, it will be even better if they are able to prevent the girl from swallowing more hair.

Natural remedies for migraine

Migraine is an affliction that can cause a person severe pain. The pain in the head can incapacitate a person totally, preventing them from working when the pain is happening. Migraine is also something that afflicts a large number of people.
There are some natural remedies for migraine, and here is a website that promises to help (link), (link2)

Many migraine sufferers have turned to natural treatments once the cause has been determined. If stress is the culprit, you may find meditation or self-hypnosis an invaluable aid in relieving tension. If you suffer on a monthly basis because of menstruation or another hormone instability, herbal supplements formulated specifically for PMS symptoms will be beneficial. Some foods like Chocolate, Cheese, Nuts or any food containing MSG may cause a headache and therefore should be avoided. But until you have tried to narrow down the causes you may find your migraine or headache keeps coming back.

Pain in the groin

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"

Athletes Foot cure? - No harm in trying

I suffered with severe athletes foot for years before heeding the advice of my dad. The soles of my feet were covered with a thick layer of fungus and blisters would appear on my heels and between my toes. I tried everything possible from home remedies to drugs. My dad told me how to cure it and I have not had the problem in at
least 10 years.
Put on pure cotton socks. Use canvas shoes that are about ready for the trash can or can be discarded if they fall apart after the treatment. Put on the socks and shoes and pour regular isprophyl alcohol into each shoe to saturate the socks and shoes.
Keep these shoes on all day, preferably outside while working. Remove the shoes and socks at night and take a shower or bath to clean them thoroughly. That's it. You will notice nothing for at least a week or maybe more. Finally, your feel will peel tremendously and your feet will be a smooth and pink as when you were a kid.
My dad tells me that the alcohol soaks through the first layer of skin that is infected with the fungus and effectively kills it from underneath the tough outer layer of skin of which a topical ointment is hard to penetrate. The peeling is a result of the killed fungus letting go of the skin.
There might be a slight warmth on your feet when you put the alcohol on, but it does not burn or blister. It does not effect the non-fungus areas of your feet,only the infected areas.
I usually do this treatment about once a year in the summer, but I have not had to do it for couple of years now. I believe this because it did work for me. I told my Dermatologist about this and told him if he had any patients with this problem that I could cure it for the cost of a pint of rubbing alcohol!

SENIOR'S MOMENT

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, " Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Payment for medical services

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.

A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter - another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"

Is aspartame dangerous

There is a story going around that the artificial sweetener, Aspartame, is actually very dangerous chemical that causes methanol toxicity which is causing a health epidemic; further, people are getting affected and the industry is suppressing all this information.
There is this article on Snopes that shows what the dangers being highlighted are, and then proceeds to get opinions from a range of medical experts about how all this is false, and bogus science. Read more (link)

Getting the patient walking again

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Fooling the nurse

Old man Morris was in the hospital. Every time the young nurse came
in, she talked to him like a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing
this morning?"

One day, Morris decided to get back at the annoying nurse.

He had received apple juice with his breakfast.

Since he had been given a urine specimin bottle to fill, you know
where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the bottle.

She looked at it and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..."

At this, Morris snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the
top, and drank it down, saying, ...

"Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better
for you this time."