IF MEN RULED THE WORLD

* Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.