Recipe: FIESTA CHILI BAKE

1 lb. ground beef

1 cup chopped onion

1 can (14-1/2 oz.) DEL MONTE® Petite Cut Diced Tomatoes with Jalapeno, undrained

1 packet (1.25 oz.) chili seasoning

1 can (15 oz.) black beans, drained

1 pkg. (8-1/2 oz.) corn bread mix

1. Cook meat and onion in skillet; drain.

2. Add tomatoes, chili seasoning and beans. Cook 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Meanwhile, prepare batter for corn bread mix according to package directions.

4. Spoon chili mixture in 8x8-inch or 2-qt. baking dish. Spoon corn bread batter over top.

5. Bake, uncovered, at 400°F, 20 minutes or until golden brown.

Recipe: Crock pot Kielbasa Stew

Serves 6

This is a very tasty stew and so easy. I got the recipe from another group and it was posted by Sundance.

3 medium carrots, sliced on the diagonal
3 medium potatoes, peeled and cubed
1 small head cabbage, cut in 6 to 8 wedges
1 pound kielbasa, sliced
1/4 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 can (14 ounces) chicken broth

NOTE: This could hold 2 pound of kielbasa, if desired

Place carrots, potatoes and cabbage in a 4-quart crockery cooker.
Top with sausage; sprinkle with seasoning,. Pour broth over all. Cover
and cook on low heat 8 to 10 hours or until vegetables are tender.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: (1/6 recipes) 340 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams fat, 8 grams saturated fat, 50 milligrams cholesterol, 1,040 milligrams sodium, 25 grams carbohydrates, 6 grams fiber, 15 grams protein.

How to start windows programs quickly with Run Command...?

The run option of Start menu is used to run a program or to open a document directly. If you do not know the exact location of the program or document then click on Start button to open Run and type the programs shortcut name to open it directly.

Run Commands
start> run
and enter the following commonds:

appwiz.cpl -- Used to run Add/Remove wizard

Calc --Calculator

Cfgwiz32 --ISDN Configuration Wizard

Charmap --Character Map

Chkdisk --Repair damaged files

Cleanmgr --Cleans up hard drives

Clipbrd --Windows Clipboard viewer

Control --Displays Control Panel

Cmd --Opens a new Command Window

Control mouse --Used to control mouse properties

Dcomcnfg --DCOM user
security

Debug --Assembly language programming tool

Defrag --Defragmentation tool

Drwatson --Records programs crash & snapshots

Dxdiag --DirectX Diagnostic Utility

Explorer --Windows Explorer

Fontview --Graphical font viewer

Fsmgmt.msc -- Used to open shared folders

Firewall.cpl -- Used to configure windows firewall

Ftp --ftp.exe program

Hostname --Returns Computer's name

Hdwwiz.cpl -- Used to run Add Hardware wizard

Ipconfig --Displays IP configuration for all network adapters

Logoff -- Used to logoff the computer

MMC --Microsoft Management Console

Msconfig --Configuration to edit startup files

Mstsc -- Used to access remote desktop

Mrc -- Malicious Software Removal Tool

Msinfo32 --Microsoft System Information Utility

Nbtstat --Displays stats and current connections using NetBIOS over TCP/IP

Netstat --Displays all active network connections

Nslookup--Returns your local DNS server

Osk ---Used to access on screen keyboard

Perfmon.msc -- Used to configure
the performance of Monitor.

Ping --Sends data to a specified host/IP

Powercfg.cpl -- Used to configure power option

Regedit --Registry Editor

Regwiz -- Registration wizard

Sfc /scannow -- System File Checker

Sndrec32 --Sound Recorder

Shutdown -- Used to shutdown the windows

Spider -- Used to open spider solitaire card game

Sfc / scannow -- Used to run system file checker utility.

Sndvol32 --Volume control for soundcard

Sysedit -- Edit system startup files

Taskmgr --Task manager

Telephon.cpl --
Used to configure modem options.

Telnet --Telnet program

Tracert --Traces and displays all paths required to reach an internet host

Winchat -- Used to chat with Microsoft

Wmplayer -- Used to run Windows Media player

Wab -- Used to open Windows address Book.

WinWord -- Used to open Microsoft word

Winipcfg --Displays IP configuration

Winver -- Used to check Windows Version

Wupdmgr --Takes you to Microsoft Windows Update

Write -- Used to open WordPad

Recipe: Honey Ham with Mandarin Oranges

INGREDIENTS

1 (4-pound) fully cooked, boneless ham

1/2 cup honey

2 tablespoons Dijon mustard

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

1 (11-ounce) can Mandarin oranges in light syrup

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. If ham has skin, peel it away using a sharp knife and discard, leaving a thin (1/8-inch) layer of fat on the surface. Score remaining fat with a sharp knife by cutting diagonal lines, about 1/8-inch deep, from 1 side to the other, criss-crossing cuts to form diamond shapes on the surface.

Transfer ham to a foil-lined roasting pan and set aside. Whisk together honey, mustard and cloves. Brush mixture all over ham. Pour the Mandarin oranges with liquid from can over the ham. Bake 1 hour (14 minutes per pound), basting every 15 minutes with pan juices. Let stand 10 to 15 minutes before slicing into thin slices.

Yield: 4 Servings

Recipe: Sweet Potato Shepherd's Pie

Topping:

5 large sweet potatoes

30 ml (2 tbsp) butter

125 ml (1/2 cup) buttermilk

50 ml (1/4 cup) chopped fresh parsley

Salt and pepper, to taste


Filling:

15 ml (1 tbsp) olive oil

1 large onion, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 kg (2 lb) ground turkey

3 large carrots, chopped

250 ml (1 cup) button mushrooms

250 ml (1 cup) fresh or frozen peas (do not thaw)

30 ml (2 tbsp) tomato paste

50 ml (1/4 cup) barbecue sauce or ketchup

50 ml (1/4 cup) all-purpose flour

250 ml (1 cup) chicken stock

Salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 190 C (375 F). Lightly oil a 3-l (13-by-9-inch) baking dish.

Prick each potato several times with a fork and microwave no more than 3 at a time until tender (about 4 minutes for each potato). Remove skins and place potatoes in a large bowl. Add remaining topping ingredients and mash well. Set aside.

In a large skillet heat oil on medium-high heat. Sauté onion until translucent; add garlic and sauté for 30 more seconds. Add turkey and sauté until meat is cooked and starting to brown. Add carrots, mushrooms and peas. Sauté for 2 minutes. Add tomato paste and barbecue sauce. Add flour and blend well. Stir in chicken stock. Continue cooking until mixture starts to thicken, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat.

Turn turkey mixture out into baking dish and spread evenly. Top turkey with sweet potato mixture, spreading evenly to cover entire dish. Bake in preheated oven uncovered for 20 minutes or until ingredients start to bubble up the sides and the top starts to brown.

Makes 8 servings.

Recipe: Semisweet Dipping Chocolate

1 cup nonfat dry milk powder

1/3 cup cocoa

2 tablespoon paraffin wax

1/2 cup water

1 tablespoon liquid shortening

1 tablespoon liquid sugar replacement

Combine milk powder, cocoa and wax in food processor or blender; blend to soft powder. Pour into top of double boiler and add water, stirring to blend. Add liquid shortening. Place over hot; not boiling water; cook and stir until wax pieces are completely dissolved and mixture is thick, smooth and creamy. Remove from heat. Stir in sugar replacement and let cool slightly. Dip candies according to recipe. Shake off excess chocolate. Place on very lightly greased waxed paper and allow to cool completely. If candies do not remove easily, slightly warm the waxed paper over electric burner or with clothes iron. Store in a cool place.

Recipe: Pork Tenderloin with Dijon Marsala Sauce

Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Cook Time: 40 Minutes
Ready In: 55 Minutes
Yields: 6 servings

"This absolutely delicious pork tenderloin is prepared simply by first
browning in a skillet, and then finishing in the oven. Served with a Marsala cream
sauce, prepared while the pork is baking, the dish can be prepared in under
an hour. The sauce is tasty over steamed vegetables as well."

INGREDIENTS:
2 pork tenderloins
4 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon oil
2 tablespoons butter
2 shallots, minced
1 cup Marsala wine
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1 cup heavy cream

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Coat pork tenderloins
generously with mustard. Oil a 9x13 inch baking dish.
2. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Arrange tenderloins in
pan, and brown the meat. Turn to brown evenly. Transfer meat to prepared
baking dish.
3. Bake in preheated oven for 20 minutes. Turn, and continue cooking for 20
minutes, or until desired doneness.
4. Meanwhile, melt butter over medium heat in the same pan used to cook the
pork. Cook shallots in butter until soft. Stir in Marsala, mustard, and
cream, and cook until volume of liquid is reduced by half.
5. Slice pork, and place on a serving dish. Spoon sauce over meat, and
serve.

10 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD GOOD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

THE GUY DICTIONARY

---> "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

---> "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

---> "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

---> "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

---> "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

---> "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

---> "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

---> "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

---> "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

---> "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

---> "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

---> "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

---> "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Recipe: No Sugar Chocolate Fudge

2 pkgs (8 oz each) cream cheese softened

2 squares (1 oz each) unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled

24 pkg. aspartame sweetener (equiv to 1/2 c.sugar)

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 c. chopped pecans

Beat cream cheese, chocolate, sweetener and vanilla until smooth. Stir

in pecans.

Pour into an 8" square baking pan lined with foil. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Recipe: Lemon Raspberry Bars (Diabetic)

3/4 cup Splenda Granular

3/4 cup flour

1/4 cup light butter

1 pinch salt

2 tablespoons flour-

1 1/4 cups Splenda Granular

1/2 cup egg substitute

1/2 cup half and half

1/2 cup fresh lemon juice

1 tablespoon grated lemon zest

1/4 cup reduced sugar raspberry preserves

Preheat oven to 350F. Spray an 8 x 8 inch baking pan generously with butter flavored nonstick spray. Set aside. Mix together flour, Splenda Granular and salt in a medium sized mixing bowl. Cut in light butter until the mixture is crumbly, like a streusel topping. Do not over mix. Press dough into prepared baking pan. Bake in preheated oven 15 to 20 minutes or until lightly browned. Place Splenda Granular and flour in a medium sized mixing bowl. Stir well. Add egg substitute and half and half. Stir until blended. Slowly add lemon juice while stirring constantly. Add lemon peel. Stir raspberry preserves until they loosen up. Spread evenly over warm crust. Gently pour lemon mixture over preserves. Bake in preheated oven 20 to 25 minutes or until set. Remove from oven and allow to cool before placing in refrigerator. Chill in refrigerator 2 hours before serving. 16 servings.

Nutrition Information per serving:

Calories 70, Calories From Fat 20, Total Fat 2 g, Saturated Fat 1 g, Cholesterol 10 mg, Sodium 45 mg, Total Carbohydrate 10 g, Dietary Fiber 0 g, Sugars 1 g, Protein 2 g

Recipe: Potato Comfort Casserole

15 medium potatoes, peeled, boiled

2 medium onions

1 stalk celery

1 cup butter

1 tsp. garlic powder

1 tsp. oregano

1/2 tsp. celery salt

1 tsp. onion powder

1 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. pepper

3 cups milk

12 oz. soft bread cubes

3 eggs

Chop onion and celery, brown in 3/8 pound of butter. Mash potatoes, mix with remainder of butter, milk and eggs. Add spices and bread cubes and browned onions and celery. Put into two 2 quart casseroles. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Uncover and bake another 20 minutes or until top browns.

Recipe: Philly Cheese Steak Meatloaf

1/2 cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped green or red bell pepper, or a combination

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef

3/4 cup oats (quick or old fashioned, uncooked)

1/2 cup tomato sauce or ketchup

1 egg, lightly beaten

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

3 slices provolone cheese, cut in half



Topping

1 large onion, thinly sliced

1 large green or red bell pepper, or a combination, thinly sliced

½ teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon olive oil

Heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Cook onion, green pepper and garlic in oil in medium skillet until

tender.

In large bowl, combine ground beef, oats, tomato sauce, egg, salt, pepper and onion-pepper-garlic mixture; mix lightly but thoroughly.

Shape mixture into 5-by-8-inch loaf on rack of broiler pan. Bake 50-55 minutes or until center of meatloaf registers 160 degrees on an instant-read thermometer. Arrange cheese on top of loaf, overlapping slices; bake an additional 5 minutes or until cheese has melted. Let meatloaf stand 5 minutes before cutting. For topping: Cook sliced onion, sliced peppers and salt in oil until tender. To serve, cut meatloaf into slices; arrange slices on plate topped with onions and peppers.

Serves 6.

NOTE: If desired, substitute 2/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese for provolone cheese. Slice meatloaf. Sprinkle with cheese, top with cooked peppers and onions.

Recipe: Enchilada Casserole

This will serve 10. If you have a large crowd or big eaters make a second pan and serve two.

Ingredients:

1 pound ground beef
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons flour
1 15 ounce can tomato sauce
1 10 ounce can enchilada sauce
1 4 ounce can diced green chiles
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cube beef bouillon
2 tsp. chili powder
1 tsp. cumin 2 cups water
15 corn tortillas
16 ounces grated Colby jack cheese
Green onion, chopped

In a large skillet, brown the ground beef. Remove the beef from pan and set aside. In the pan drippings stir in the oil and flour. Add the tomato sauce, enchilada sauce and water smoothing out lumps as you go. The sauce should be fairly thin. Add more water if needed. Stir in the chilies, garlic, cumin, chili powder and the bouillon cube. Bring just to a boil and turn on warm to keep heated. Dip tortillas in and out sauce to soften, then place the tortilla on a plate. Add desired amount of ground beef, cheese and onion. Roll the tortilla up and place in a 9" x 15" greased baking pan. Repeat procedure until baking pan is full. Pour sauce over the filled tortillas. Sprinkle more cheese and onion on top. Cover with foil and bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until hot and bubbly in a 350 degree oven.

ARE YOU NORMAL?

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 90% men have an eye for their sister-in-laws.
- 65% indulge in incest.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- Snickers is the most popular candy.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What's up?
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host... whoops, "uh.. just looking for the uh..."
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night... : )
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics don't lie. See 91% men lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)
- 59% of us say we're average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% drive after they've been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Recipe: Mexican Tea Cakes

Ingredients:

3 cups butter or margarine, at room temperature
4 tablespoons powdered sugar
2 egg yolks
1 cup finely chopped almonds
7 cups all purpose flour, unsifted
2 pounds powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 275 degrees. Beat butter until light and fluffy; beat in the 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar, egg yolk and almonds. Gradually add flour to make a soft dough that can be handled. Pinch off pieces of dough the size of a large walnut and roll between your hands into round balls. Place about 1 1/2" apart on ungreased baking sheets and bake in a 275 degree oven for 45 minutes or until very lightly browned.

Remove from oven and let cool on baking sheets until still slightly warm. Sift about 1/2 of the 1 pound powdered sugar over butcher paper; arranged in a shallow pan, and carefully transfer cookies from baking sheet to sugar. Sift more powdered sugar over tops and sides; completely coating the cookies at least 1/8" thick with sugar. Let stand until cool; store in an airtight container with waxed paper between layers of cookies. Makes about 5 dozen.

Recipe: '50s DOUBLE FUDGE LAYER CAKE

4 oz unsweetened chocolate, chopped

2 cups flour

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 cup unsalted butter

1 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup + 2 tbs milk

FROSTING---

4 egg yolks

2 cups sugar

1 cup milk

2 tbs unsalted butter

8 oz unsweetened chocolate

Heat oven to 350 degrees.* Coat 2 round cake pans with cooking spray. Heat chocolate in microwave on high 30 seconds, stir. Heat another 30 seconds or until melted. Sift flour, baking powder, soda and salt onto a sheet of wax paper.

Beat butter in bowl until creamy. Beat in brown sugar. Add eggs, beat well. Add vanilla and melted chocolate. Alternately beat flour mixture and milk into butter chocolate mixture. Pour into pans. Bake 33 min. or until done. Cool in pans 10 min. Turn layers out.

FROSTING---Beat yolks in bowl until very thick. Slowly beat in 1 cup of sugar until light in color. Beat in milk. Add to saucepan along with remaining sugar and butter. Bring to a boil. Boil whisking 1 min. Remove from heat. Chop chocolate, stir in until smooth. Transfer to bowl. Refrigerate 30 min. Beat frosting until light and fluffy. Frost cake. MAKES 12 SERVINGS OF CAKE

Recipe: Texas Brownies

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cup margarine or butter
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 cup water
2 cups unsifted flour
1 1/2 cups firmly packed brown sugar
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
1 can sweetened condensed milk
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1 cup chopped nuts.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a small saucepan, melt 1 cup margarine, stir in 1/4 cup cocoa, then water. Bring to a boil; remove from heat. In large bowl, combine flour, brown sugar, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. Add cocoa mixture, beat well. Stir in 1/3 cup condensed milk, eggs and vanilla. Pour onto greased 15x10" jelly roll pan. Bake 15 minutes or until cake springs back when lightly touched.

Frosting: In small saucepan, melt 1/4 cup margarine; stir in remaining 1/4 cup cocoa and remaining condensed milk. Stir in confectioners' sugar and nuts. Spread on warm cake. When cool cut into small squares to serve.

Recipe: Orange Drop Cookies

3/4 cup shortening
3/4 cup butter or margarine -- softened
1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
2 tablespoons grated orange peel
1/4 cup orange juice
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup chopped pecans
Pecan halves

Cream first 3 ingredients. Beat in eggs.
Slowly beat in buttermilk, peel, juice and vanilla.
Stir together flour, baking powder, soda and salt. Blend into batter.
Stir in chopped pecans.
Drop from teaspoon on greased cookie sheet. Place pecan half on each
cookie.
Bake at 350ºF about 15 minutes.

Firewood

Floyd picked up the phone and called the Sheriff's Office.

"Hello," he said. "Is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes it is," the voice came back. "What can I do for you?"

Floyd replied, "I'm callin' to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's
drillin' holes in his firewood and hidin' marijuana inside!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir," the voice replied.

Within the hour, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at
Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.
Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!" Virgil answers.

"Did they split yer firewood?" Floyd asks.

"Yep!" Virgil answers.

Floyd says, "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

Father Of Who

A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asks, "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

The man thinks for a minute, then realizes this kid she is talking
about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on
his wife.

He says to the woman, "Are you that exotic dancer that was at my best
friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago? You know, the one I did it
with on the pool table while everyone was watching?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Speeding Charges

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.

When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So
instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each
other.

Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty," replied Tyler.

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.

"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

"Guilty," replied Katz.

Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are
becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is
the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two
hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"

Basic Kitchen Measurements

Bread, 1 slice = about 1/2 cup soft crumbs

Butter, 1 stick = 1/4 pound or ½ cup

Cheese, 4 oz., 1/4 lb = 1 cup, grated

Flour, 1 pound = 4 cups

Rice, 1 C uncooked = 3 cups cooked

Sugar, 1 pound= 2-1/4 C

Sugar, 10 pounds = 1154 teaspoons

3 teaspoons (tsp)= 1 tablespoon (tbsp)

4 tablespoons= 1/4 Cup (C)

5-1/2 tablespoons= 1/3 C

8 tablespoons= 1/2 Cup

11 tablespoons= 2/3 C

16 tablespoons= 1 Cup= 8 fluid ounces

2 cups= 1 pint= 16 fluid ounces

2 pints (4 C)= 1 quart= 32 fluid ounces

2 quarts (8 Cups)= ½ gallon= 64 fluid ounces

4 quarts (16 cups)= 1 gallon= 128 fluid ounces

Macaroni, 1 pound = 4 C uncooked or about 9 C cooked

Noodles, 1 pound= 6 C uncooked or about 6-1/2 cooked

Potatoes, 5 pounds = about 15 medium potatoes

Vegetable and Fruit Tips

* Prevent discoloration of green leafy vegetables: Add a pinch of
common salt and sugar to the cooking vegetable so as to avoid
discoloration of green leafy vegetables.

* Onion peeling without crying: Peel onions under water to avoid
"crying". Another option is to refrigerate onions before cutting.

* Keep green leafy vegetables fresh for longer time: Wrap green leafy vegetables in a newspaper before putting in the vegetable bag or tray. This will keep them fresh much longer.

* Keep celery fresh for a longer time: Celery wrapped in aluminum
foil before refrigerating will remain fresh for weeks.

* Stop potatoes from rotting: Potatoes rot quickly if stored near
onions. To prevent potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

* Keep chilies fresh for a longer time: While storing green chilies,
remove the stems.

Difference between blessing and last rites

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.

He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"

The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Some useful tips

Almonds: To remove the skin of almonds easily, soak them in hot water for 15-20 minutes.

Ants: Putting 3-4 cloves in the sugar container will keep the ants at bay.

Biscuits: If you keep a piece of blotting paper at the bottom of the container, it will keep biscuits fresh for a longer time.

Butter: Avoid the use of butter. If it is essential to use, use a butter containing low saturated fat or with plant stanols (which avoid absorption of cholesterol by our body) or similar substitutes.

Apples: Apply some lemon juice on the cut surface of the apple to avoid browning. They will look fresh for a longer time.

Banana: Apply mashed banana over a burn on your body to have a cooling effect.

Bee and Scorpion Sting Relief: Apply a mixture of 1 pinch of chewing tobacco and 1 drop of water. Mix and apply directly and immediately to the sting; cover with band aid to hold in place. Pain will go away in just a few short minutes.

Bitter Gourd (Karela): Slit Karelas at the middle and apply a mixture of salt, wheat flour and curd all round. Keep aside for 1/2 an hour and then cook.
Celery: To keep celery fresh for long time, wrap it in aluminium foil and place in the refrigerator.

Burnt Food: Place some chopped onion in the vessel having burnt food, pour boiling water in it, keep for 5 minutes and then clean.

Chilli Powder: Keeping a small piece of hing (asafoetida) in the same container will store chilli powder for long time.

Chopping: Use a wooden board to chop. It will not blunt the knife. Don't use a plastic board, small plastic pieces may go with the vegetables.

Coriander/Mint: You can use dried coriander and mint leaves in coarse powder form in vegetable curry or chutney, if fresh ones are not available.
To keep them fresh for a longer time, wrap them in a muslin cloth and keep in a fridge.

Cockroaches: Put some boric powder in kitchen in corners and other places. Cockroaches will leave your house.

Coconut: Immerse coconut in water for 1/2 an hour to remove its hust.

Dry Fruits: To chop dry fruits, place them in fridge for half an hour before cutting. Take the fruits out and cut them with a hot knife (dip it in hot water before cutting).

Dough/Rolling pin: If the dough sticks to the rolling pin, place it in freezer for a few minutes.

Egg peeling off: Make a small hole in the egg by piercing a pin before boiling it. You will be able to remove its skin very easily.

Egg fresh: Immerse the egg in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh; if it rises to the surface, it is certainly quite old.

Garlic: Garlic skin comes off easily if the garlic cloves are slightly warmed before peeling.

Ghee: Avoid the use of ghee. If it is necessary, substitute it with canola oil. Even for making halwa, you can partly substitute it with oil.

Green Chillies: To keep the chillies fresh for a longer time, remove the stems before storing.

Green Peas: To preserve green peas, keep them in a polythene bag in the freezer.

Idlies: Place a betel (paan) leaf over the leftover idli and dosa batter to prevent them sour. Do not beat idli batter too much, the air which has been incorporated during fermentation will escape. If you add half a tsp of fenugreek seeds to the lentil and rice mixture while soaking, dosas will be more crisp.

Fruits: To ripen fruits, wrap them in newspaper and put in a warm place for 2-3 days. The ethylene gas they emit will make them ripe.


Frying: Avoid deep frying. Substitute deep frying with stir frying or oven bake. Don't pour the oil, but make a habit of spraying the oil in the utensil for cooking. Heat the utensil first, then add oil. This way oil spreads well. You will use less oil this way.

Left Over: Don't throw away the foods left over. Store them in Fridge. Use them in making tasty dishes.

Lemon/Lime: If the lemon or lime is hard, put it in warm water for 5-10 minutes to make it easier to squeeze.

Lizards: Hang a peacock feather, lizards will leave your house.

Milk: Moisten the base of the vessel with water to reduce the chances of milk to stick at the bottom. Keep a spoon in the vessel while boiling milk at medium heat. It will avoid sticking the milk at the bottom of the vessel.Adding half a tsp of sodium bicarbonate in the milk while boiling will not spoil the milk even if you don't put it in the fridge.

Mixer/Grinder: Grind some common salt in your mixer/grinder fro some time every month. This will keep your mixer blades sharp.

Mosquitoes: Put a few camphor tablets in a cup of water and keep it in the bed room near your bed, or in any place with mosquitoes.

Noodles: When the noodles are boiled, drain all the hot water and add cold water. This way all the noodles will get separated.

Onions: To avoid crying, cut the onions into two parts and place them in water for 15 minutes before chopping them.Wrap the onions individually in a newspaper and store in a cool and dark place to keep them fresh for long time.

Oven: Watch from the oven window to conserve energy because the
oven temperature drops by 25 degrees every time its door is opened,
To clean the oven, apply a paste of sodium bicarbonate and water on the walls and floor of the oven and keep the oven on low heat for about half an hour. Dried food can easily be removed.

Paneer: To keep paneer fresh for several days, wrap it in a blotting paper while storing in the refrigerator. Do not fry paneer, immerse it in boiling water to make it soft and spongy.

Papad: Bake in microwave oven. Wrap the papads in polythene sheet and place with dal or rice will prevent them from drying and breaking.

Pickles: To prevent the growth of fungus in pickles, burn a small grain of asafoetida over a burning coal and invert the empty pickle jar for some time before putting pickles in the jar.

Popcorn: Keep the maize/corn seeds in the freezer and pop while still frozen to get better pops.

Potato: To bake potatoes quickly, place them in salt water for 15 minutes before baking. Use the skin of boiled potatoes to wipe mirrors to sparkling clean.Don't store potatoes and onions together. Potatoes will rot quickly if stored with onions.

Refrigerator: To prevent formation of ice, rub table salt to the insides of your freeze.

Rice: Add a few drops of lemon juice in the water before boiling the rice to make rice whiter. Add a tsp of canola oil in the water before boiling the rice to separate each grain after cooking. Don't throw away the rice water after cooking. Use it to make soup or add it in making dal (lentils). Add 5g of dried powdered mint leaves to 1kg of rice. It will keep insects at bay. Put a small paper packet of boric powder in the container of rice to keep insects at bay. Put a few leaves of mint in the container of rice to keep insects at bay.

Samosa: Bake them instead of deep frying to make them fat free. Don't fry the filling potato masala. Preserve the samosas in freezer. For eating, take out of the freezer two hours in advance and bake them over low temp.

Sugar: Put 2-3 cloves in the sugar to keep ants at bay.

Tadka: Use sprouted mustard seeds (rayee) and fenugreek (methi) seeds for your tadkas. Both of them when sprouted have more nutritional values. Also this add flavour to the dish and can be more beneficial, besides giving decorative look to the dish.

Tomato: To remove the skin of tomatoes, place them in warm water for 5-10 minutes. The skin can then be easily peeled off.When tomatoes are not available or too costly, substitute with tomato puree or tomato ketchup/sauce. Place overripe tomatoes in cold water and add some salt. Overnight they will become firm and fresh.

Tamarind: Tamarind is an excellent polish for brass and copper items. Rub a slab of wet tamarind with some salt sprinkled on it on the object to be polished.
Gargles with tamarind water is recommended for a sore throat.

Utensils: Use nonsticking utensils. Use thick bottom utensils, they get uniformly heated. For electric stoves, use flat bottom utensils. Add a little bit of common salt to the washing powder for better cleaning of utensils.

Vegetables: Don't discard the water in which the vegetables are soaked or cooked. Use it in making soup or gravy. To keep the vegetables fresh for a longer time, wrap them in newspaper before putting them in freeze. Chop the vegetables only when you are ready to use them. Don't cut them in too advance. It would spoil their food value.

Sink (Blocked): To clear the blocked drain pipe of your kitchen sink, mix 1/2 cup sodium bicarbonate in 1 cup vinegar and pour it into the sink, and pour about 1 cup water. In an hour the drain pipe will open.

Soup Salty: Place a raw peeled potato in the bowl, it will absorb the extra salt.

Yoghurt (Home Made): To set yogurt in winter, place the container in a warm place like oven or over the voltage stabliser.

Yogurt: If the yogurt has become sour, put it in a muslin cloth and drain all the water. Then add milk to make it as good as fresh in taste. Use the drained water in making tasty gravy for vegetables or for basen curry. To keep the yogurt fresh for many days, fill the vessel containing yogurt with water to the brim and refrigerate. Change the water daily..

Joke: Spelling mistakes

SPELLING ERRORS

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM

So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.

"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.

"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."

"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

What is Eggnog

Eggnog is a popular drink throughout The Americas, and is
usually associated with winter celebrations such as Christmas
and New Year. Eggnog has long been believed to be an excellent
source of magnesium. Eggnog is also very popular in Central Europe,
but only its cognac version, which can be bought almost everywhere,
mostly in Christmas-markets, during November and December.
Commercially, non-alcoholic eggnog is available around Christmas
time and during the winter.

Eggnog may have originated in England, It is believed to have
been developed from a medieval beverage made with hot milk, called
posset. The Nog in Eggnog comes from the word noggin, a phrase to
describe a small, wooden mug used to serve alcohol. While the Egg
comes from an English drink called Egg Flip. It was shortened and/or
slurred into egg'n'grog, then eggnog.

Joke: Becky Sue got pregnant

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go...

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Becky
Sue got pregnant...

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the
Bahamas and Becky Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti. I went to Tahiti and darned if Becky
Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Becky Sue with me."

A positive 'Be' atitude

*Be understanding to your perceived enemies.

*Be loyal to your friends.

*Be strong enough to face the world each day.

*Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

*Be generous to those who need your help.

*Be frugal with that you need yourself.

*Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

*Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

*Be willing to share your joys.

*Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

*Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

*Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

*Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

*Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

*Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

*Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

*Be loving to those who love you..

*Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

*Above all, Be yourself.

The Shower

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is
wrong with you?

So Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them"

Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"

Ray replied "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest
me!"

"That's not against the law" said Dewey,

"That's what I thought," said Ray.

"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"

For 15 dollars only

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his
parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the
parents began to yell even louder.

"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It
was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to
Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.

He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So I did.

A talking pig ..

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.

Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the
stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs." She came to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire
building materials for his home.

She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full
of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw
to build my house with?'"

The teacher then asks the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and exclaimed, "I know! I know! --
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

Apparently the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

If you don't eat your vegetables

There was this poor, sad little fellow who was very nerdy,
wizened and unhealthy looking. He never had any luck with
women, as they just laughed at his pathetic appearance. He tried
everything...lonely hearts columns, singles clubs, dating agencies
etc, all to no avail.

One night he was all alone (as usual) in a bar, staring gloomily
into his lonely drink, when a beautiful blonde started giving him
the eye. She wore the tightest of sweaters and briefest of mini
skirts and he could scarcely believe it when she wiggled over to
him and said "Hi."

He blinked and looked around, thinking she must be talking to
somebody behind him. But, no, she was talking to him, and soon
they struck up an animated conversation. After a few drinks,
she asked him if he would like to take her home and the guy,
floating on Cloud Nine, eagerly assented.

At her house she led him inside, wiggling her hips seductively.
She led him to the sofa and poured him a large Scotch. Then she
told him he was to take all his clothes off, and the blonde then
blindfolded him with a scarf tied tightly around his eyes so that
he couldn't see a thing. She announced that she was going to leave
the room for a moment and when she returned he was to remove the
blindfold and she would have a surprise for him.

He was now trembling with anticipation. He had never even had sex
with a woman before, never mind this kinky stuff. She left him
sitting on the couch, stark naked and still blindfolded.

After a few moments he heard the blonde return. She told him in a
sweet voice, "OK, you can take the blindfold off now." He eagerly
whipped the scarf from his eyes, only to find the blonde still
fully dressed, but accompanied by three small children who stared
at him in amazement.

"There," said the blonde to the kids. "Now that's what you'll look
like if you don't eat your vegetables."

Moses and his staff

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast
solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a
pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the
Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges
to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out
of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

LIFE'S OBSERVATIONS

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Joke: taking the train instead of a place

A large two-engine passenger train was crossing the U.S. from New York to Los Angeles. After they had gone about a third of the distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and continued on half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided to inform the passengers the reason the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for quite some time.

"The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of a plane!"

Body stats

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men reading this are still busy checking their thumbs.

Ponder these Proverbs...

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life
is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

Feed the gators

This fella had owned this large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back yard, had it fixed up nice, with picnic
tables, horse shoe courts, a basketball court, etc.

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he
hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or to get you out of the pond, I only came to feed my Gators!"

Joke: Marriage counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing

Grilling Conversions

IF YOU CAN'T cook outdoors, or if bad weather brings your party indoors, just preheat the oven or heat up the broiler and enjoy all that great flavor. Here's a guide to marinating and cooking indoors.

Beefsteaks
Marinate 3 to 24 hours; broil about 3 inches from the heat source for 12 to 15 minutes, turning once, until achieving desired degree of doneness.

Chicken Parts (bone in)
Marinate 3 to 24 hours; roast at 425°F for about 40 minutes, or broil 5 to 6 inches from the heat source for 25 to 35 minutes, or until juices run clear.

Chicken Breasts or Thighs (boneless and skinless)
Marinate 1 to 3 hours; roast at 425°F for about 20 minutes, or broil 5 to 6 inches from the heat source for 12 to 15 minutes, or until no longer pink.

Game Hens
Marinate 3 to 24 hours; roast at 375°F for about 50 minutes, until juices run clear, or broil split or quartered hens 5 to 6 inches from the heat source for 25 to 35 minutes, or until thoroughly cooked.

Fish Steaks
Marinate up to 1 hour; roast at 425°F for about 20 minutes, or broil 4 to 5 inches from the heat source for 10 to 12 minutes, until just cooked through.

Pork Chops
Marinate 3 to 24 hours; roast at 375°F for about 30 minutes, or broil 4 to 5 inches from the heat source for 14 to 18 minutes, turning once, until juices run clear.

Shrimp
Marinate up to 30 minutes; broil about 4 inches from the heat source for 4 to 5 minutes, turning once, until shrimp turn pink

The Blonde Nun

A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My
daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your
prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and
to grant you anything you wish."

"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me.
I am content. I need nothing."

"There must be something you would like," said God.

"Well, there is one thing." "Name it," said God. She frowned. "It's those
blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes
everywhere. Can you stop them?"

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for
you?"

"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth your time,"
she said. "Tell me, please!" said God. "It's the M&M's," she said. "They're
so hard to peel!"

An Excited Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in
a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until
you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell
me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father," replied the nun, "it was
what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

To which the priest replied, "How much did you win?"

Late Return

Two aspirant nuns stay out too late one night and come back to find the
doors to their convent closed and locked. The first nun immediately begins
to worry that their absence will be noticed and they'll get into trouble.

"Don't worry!" says the second nun, "I know another way in."

So the two nuns go round the back of the convent, and the second nun boosts
the first onto the back wall.

As the first nun reaches down to help the second up, she says, "You know, I
feel like a commando."

"Me too!" grunts the second nun, "But where are we going to find one at this
time of night!"

Random Thoughts

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would
put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for
remodeling". *Caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in
the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know
what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because
you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is " DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Joke: The police decoy

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,Tennessee.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fell into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off, though it was a fine, dry summer's night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having
waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."

Joke: FISHING

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb-ass husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking.

Recipe: Boiled Rice

3-½ C white rice and 3-½ C brown rice

There is no reason to worry about failures if you cook rice like pasta
in lots of boiling salted water and watch the timing. White rice will
be done in 15-18 minutes; brown rice will be done in 35-40 minutes.

3 quarts water
1 t salt
1 c rice

Bring the water and salt to a boil in a deep pot. Trickle the rice
slowly into the water so that it doesn't stop boiling. Don't stir,
but give the pan a shake so the rice levels. Keep the water boiling
over medium-high heat. Test at the minimum time by removing a few
grains with a slotted spoon; bite into the kernel---it should be firm,
not mushy and splayed out at the ends. It in doubt, it is better to
undercook rice slightly and steam it longer at the end, particularly
if you are planning to hold the rice 10 or 15 minutes before serving.
Drain the rice in a colander. Keep warm by placing the colander over
gently boiling water, covering the rice with a dishtowel.

Makes: 3-½ C white rice and 3-½ C brown rice

Recipe: Feathered Rice

Unlike ordinary cooked rice this puffs up, becomes light and fluffy,
and has a slightly toasted flavor. Brown rice may be cooked the same
way.

1 C white rice
1 t salt
2-½ C water, boiling

Preheat the oven to 400°F. Spread the rice out in a shallow baking
pan, place in the oven, and bake, stirring occasionally, until golden
brown. Put the rice into a casserole, add the salt and boiling water,
cover with a light-fitting lid, and bake for 20 minutes. If using
brown rice, allow 30 to 40 minutes. A pound or so of rice may be
browned at one time and then stored in an airtight container until
ready to bake.

Serves 4

Recipe: Baked Rice

A nice way to serve rice when the meat is rather plain and the
casserole, popped in the oven about a half an hour before serving, is
all ready to come to the table.

½ C chopped onion
2 T butter
1 C rice
2 C water
2 chicken or beef bouillon cubes

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Sauté the onion in the butter about 3
minutes. Add the rice and stir, cooking just long enough to coat it,
2 or 3 minutes. Pour in the water, bring to a boil, stir in the
bouillon cubes, dissolve, and mix well. Turn into a 1-quart
casserole, cover, and bake for 30 minutes.

Recipe: Rice w/Fresh Vegetables

This can be served hot as a side dish or cold as a salad.

1 C brown rice
4 C chicken broth
1 T soy sauce
1 C white rice
1 red onion, chopped
1 bunch scallions, sliced, including tender greens
2 sweet peppers (preferably 1 red and 1 green), chopped
1 cucumber, peeled (if waxed) & chopped
3 T vinegar
¾ C olive oil
Salt & freshly ground pepper to taste

Put the brown rice, chicken broth, and soy sauce in a large pot, and
bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low and cook for about 10
minutes. Add the white rice and continue to cook for about 15
minutes, or until tender. Remove from the heat and add the onion,
scallions, peppers, and cucumber, and toss to mix. Mix together the
vinegar, olive oil, and salt and pepper, pour over the rice mixture,
and toss to mix well.

Serves 6

Recipe: Baked Spanish Rice

A pleasant side dish to serve with sausages or ham.

¾ C olive oil
1 onion, chopped
1 small green pepper, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 stalk celery, diced
1 C chopped mushrooms
2 large tomatoes, peeled & chopped
1 C long-grain rice
½ t salt
¼ t freshly ground pepper
2 C chicken broth

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Lightly oil a 2-quart casserole. Heat the
olive oil in a skillet and add the onion, green pepper, garlic,
celery, and mushrooms. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring often, for
5 minutes. Transfer to a casserole and add the tomatoes, rice, salt,
and pepper. Pour in the broth, stir, cover, and bake 30 minutes.
Stir again and bake for another 30 minutes.

Serves 4

Recipe: Pilaf w/Variations

Pilaf is a seasoned rice dish common to many Eastern countries. It
can be a whole meal made with fish, poultry, or meat, or a single side
dish made with herbs, spices, nuts, or raisins.

3 T olive oil
3 T finely chopped onion
1 C long-grain rice
½ t salt
¼ t freshly ground pepper
2 C beef broth

Heat the oil in a saucepan. Add the onion and cook, stirring often,
until soft. Add the rice and cook over low heat, stirring constantly,
for 3 minutes. Add the salt, pepper, and beef broth. Cover and
simmer 20 minutes or transfer to a covered casserole and bake in a
350°F oven for 1 hour.

Recipe: Risotto w/Variations

This is a creamy rice dish made by gradually adding liquid to the rice
as it cooks. It is Italian in origin and is made with Arborio rice, a
high-starch medium- to short-grain white rice unique to Italy.
Medium-grain white rice, grown in this country, is a perfectly good
substitute.

1 T butter
1 T olive oil
1 onion, chopped
1 C Arborio or medium-grain white rice
2 C (or more) hot chicken broth
1 C (or more) hot water
½ C freshly grated Parmesan cheese
½ C chopped parsley
Salt & freshly ground pepper to taste

In a large, heavy-bottomed pot or deep skillet, heat the butter and
oil. Add the onion and cook over moderate heat for 2 to 3 minutes,
until the onion is just soft but not browned. Stir in the rice and
cook another minute, until the rice is heated and coated with the fat.
Stir in 1 cup of the hot broth and let simmer until the liquid is
mostly absorbed, stirring frequently to prevent sticking. Add the
other cup of hot broth and continue simmering and stirring until
absorbed. Stir in the cup of hot water and continue to simmer and
stir. The total cooking time will be approximately 20 minutes. Taste
for doneness. The rice should be very creamy and slightly chewy in
the center; not dry. Add more hot liquid if longer cooking is
necessary. Stir in the Parmesan cheese and parsley. Taste and add
salt, if necessary, and pepper to taste.

Recipe: Rice Cakes

Delicate golden patties, especially good with poached fish.

½ C short-grain rice
½ t salt
½ C water, boiling
1 C milk
2 eggs
6 T butter
1-½ C freshly made bread crumbs
2 T oil

Sprinkle the rice and salt into the boiling water. Cover and cook
slowly until the water is absorbed, 7-10 minutes. Add the milk, stir,
cover, and cook 10-12 minutes more, or until the rice is tender. Stir
in 1 egg and add 2 T of the butter. Spread the mixture on a shallow
plate, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate. Beat the remaining
egg in a shallow dish and put the crumbs on a piece of wax paper.
Shape the well-chilled rice mixture into 6 conical or patty shapes,
pressing firmly together. Carefully dip each cake into the egg and
then cover with crumbs. Melt the remaining 4 T of butter in a skillet
with the oil. When hot, fry the cakes until golden brown; don't cook
them too quickly or the insides will remain cold.

Serves 4

Recipe: Fried Rice

Add cooked diced shrimp, pork, or chicken, if you wish, and serve as a supper dish.

4 T oil

4 C cooked rice

¼ C chopped scallions

1-½ T soy sauce

½ t freshly ground pepper

2 eggs, slightly beaten

Heat the oil in a large skillet, and add the rice, scallions, soy sauce, and pepper. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring often, for 6 minutes. Add the eggs and stir briskly so they cook and break into small bits throughout the rice. As soon as the egg is set, remove and serve.

Serves 4

Recipe: Rice w/Tomato Sauce & Cheese

A unique rice dish. The rice kernels are crisp and crunchy, and will have you reaching for seconds. Dandy for a meal when you don't want to fuss---be sure to use freshly grated cheese.

6 T butter

6 C cooked white rice

2 C tomato Sauce (posted earlier)

1-¼ C freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Melt the butter in a skillet. Add the rice and cook, stirring, until heated through and lightly browned. Put into a serving bowl, heat the tomato sauce, and cover the rice; then sprinkle with the cheese. Lift and toss the rice with a fork so that every kernel is coated.

Serves 6

Recipe: Wild Rice Casserole

Wild rice needs little adornment; serve this casserole with duck or game. You could even tuck pieces of leftover duck or game into the casserole as it bakes and serve as a main course.

¼ lb butter

½ C finely chopped onion

2 C sliced mushrooms

1 C wild rice

3 C chicken broth

1 t salt

½ t freshly ground pepper

Preheat the oven to 325° F. Butter a 1-½-quart casserole. Melt the butter in a skillet, add the onion, and cook until soft. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring, until they darken. Put the onion and mushrooms into the casserole with remaining ingredients. Cover and bake for 1 hour or until the broth is absorbed and the rice is tender.

Serves 4

Recipe: Boston Baked Beans

2 C navy beans, small white beans, or Great Northern beans

Water for soaking

1 t salt, approximately

¼ lb. salt pork

2 t dry mustard

5 T dark-brown sugar

4 T molasses

Wash the beans. Soak overnight or use the short method. Add salt, stir, and drain, reserving the liquid. Preheat the oven to 300° F. Cut off a third of the salt pork and place the piece on the bottom of a bean pot. Add the beans to the pot. Blend the mustard, brown sugar, and molasses with the reserved bean liquid and pour over the beans. Cut several gashes in the remaining piece of salt pork and place on top of the beans. Cover and bake for about 6 hours, adding water as needed. Uncover, for the final hour of cooking so the pork will become brown and crisp. Taste and correct seasoning.

Serves 8

Recipe: THALIPEETH

A nutritious pancake made with 3 kinds of flours.
Cooking Time : 7 minutes.
Preparation Time : 4 minutes.
Makes 4 thalipeeth.

Ingredients
3 tablespoons Bengal gram flour (besan)
3 tablespoons millet flour (jowar)
3 tablespoons wheat flour (gehun ka atta)
1 small onion, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
2 tablespoons chopped coriander
2 green chillies, finely chopped
salt to taste

Other ingredients
oil for cooking
home-made white butter to serve

Method

1. Mix together all the ingredients in a bowl and add enough water to make a thick batter.

2. Heat and grease a non-stick tava.

3. Spread a layer of the batter to form a pancake of 4 mm. thickness.

4. Cook on both sides till golden brown, using a little oil.

5. Repeat to make 3 more thalipeeth.

6. Serve hot with a dollop of home-made white butter.

Recipe: COCONUT PULAO

A delicious Goan style pulao.
Cooking Time : 6 minutes.
Preparation Time : 4 minutes.

Serves 2.

Ingredients
1 cup Basmati rice
1 onion, sliced
2 cloves
25 mm. (1") stick cinnamon
2 green cardamoms
1/4 cup green peas
1 carrot, sliced
1 cup thick coconut milk
2 tablespoons cashewnuts - fried lightly
1 teaspoon butter
1 teaspoon oil
salt to taste

For the garnish
2 tablespoons chopped coriander
2 tablespoons grated coconut
2 to 3 lemon wedges

Method
1. Wash the rice and keep aside.

2. Put 1 1/2 cups of water to boil.

3. Heat the butter and oil in a pressure cooker, add the onion, cloves, cinnamon and cardamoms and fry till the onion becomes translucent.

4. Add the green peas and carrot and fry for some time.

5. Then add the rice, coconut milk, cahsewnuts, 1 1/2 cups of hot water and salt and pressure cook for 1 whistle. Allow the steam to escape before opening.

6. Serve hot garnished with the coriander, coconut and lemon wedges.

Moses and President Bush

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President George W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a
white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The
man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just
kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed
man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent agreed.

"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps
staring straight ahead and refuses to speak.

"Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man
stared ahead and didn't answer.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back ...

"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent
40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to
the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

TEN SIGNS HE WANTS TO GET LAID

1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he replies that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

4. He whispers,"you' re beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

6. In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you totake the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

9. When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER

The compulsive gambler walked into a gay bar, ordered a drink and struck up a conversation with a fellow at the bar.

When his companion went to take a leak, the gambler turned to the guy n the other side of him and said boldly, "I bet you $200 you've got terrible hemorrhoids. "

Knowing this wasn't the case, the man readily agreed to the bet, stood up and pulled down his pants.

The gambler looked and looked, didn't find a single hemorrhoid. He promptly handed over the $200 and headed for the men's room.

The winner sat back down on his bar stool and delightfully recounted the story to his friend on his return.

To his surprise, his friend pales.

"That son-of-a-bitch! " he cried. "Just ten minutes ago he bet me a $1,000 he'd have you drop your pants in the middle of the bar...!"

Joke: Placing flowers on grave

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Joke: Home plumbing

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre.

After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.

Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.

"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ITALIAN

. Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..

. You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella. "

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

SCHUBERT'S UNNFINISHED SYMPHONY

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.

The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Joke: Appendix

Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
“Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis”, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. “I will come in the morning.”
The man protested, “But doctor, my wife is really serious.”
The doctor replied, “I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another.”
The caller protested, “That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!”

LOSING VIRGINITY

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

SEX QUOTES

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." --Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." --Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -- Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." --Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." -- Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
-- Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -- Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." -- Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." -- George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and sex was safe." -- Unknown

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -- Matt Barry

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." -- Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student." -- Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you." -- T-Shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." -- Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." --Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -- George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -- Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." -- P. J. ORourke