Adult Joke: Texan Lover

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

Funny: Adult questions and answer

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male...send address and photos! You may begin ... now!

CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me. 

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney

Funny: Some jokes (including an adult joke)

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you..."

"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."

"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.

"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.

"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."

"Not a chance!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."

-----------------------

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

--------------------

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer is broken'.

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Adult Joke - The old lady shot someone

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

LOL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front veranda, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me.

DA: Did you know him?

LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.

DA: What happened after he sat down?

LOL: He started to rub my thigh.

DA: Did you stop him?

LOL: No, I didn't stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died some 30 years ago.

DA: What happened next?

LOL: He began to rub my breasts.

DA: Did you stop him then?

LOL: No, I did not stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

DA: What happened next?

LOL: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

DA: Did he take you?

LOL: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"... And that's when I shot the little bastard!

Great truths - some posts

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same Since Broke Back Mountain

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Adult Joke: Trying to fool the machine into giving an improper analysis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Joke: The man escapes from prison after 15 years, and his instincts are ..

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke: Maybe trying again is the best option

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You can try again.'

Humour: The unflappable window washer

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside.

Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress. The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows.

Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just keeps working away.

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her.

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.

At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, "What's the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"

Adult Joke: Inserting a suppository without hands

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?" Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it HURT!!!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

"My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

Adult Joke: How to decide whether to golf left-handed or right-handed

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Humour: The knowledge gained during night classes, and some setbacks

During work, John and William were chatting...

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now andI have an exam next week.

William: Oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again...

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you would stop night courses, you would know this!!

Adult humour - SOME HARD TRUTHS ABOUT SEX

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

3. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

5. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

12. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives."

Joke: Zebra and the stallion - moved to the farm

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was
getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could
spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge
space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange
animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it
all excited.

"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and
ran over to it, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right - o, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost
exactly like her without the stripes.

She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Adult joke: A small patch of hair

Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys
says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything,
what would it be?"

After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver"

"Well, why?"

"I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there"

The boy then asks the other, "And you?"

"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there"

After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?"

The boy thought and thought and finally, said very calmly, "Hair".

Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why
in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???"

"Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of
hair and she owns both of those cars!!!"

Adult Joke - Extra charge by manager

I remember of a joke of a couple who went to Hotel for 2night/3day package holiday stay. On one night they did not take dinner. At the time of settling the bill they were charged for dinner. Husband asked" Why?"
Manager replied that dinner was available you did not take it. It is your fault.
Husband thought for a moment and said in that case you should pay me USD 500 . Manager exclaimed Why!!!!!
Husband said" you enjoyed with my wife last night and her charge is USD 500 per night."
Manager" I did not have anything with your wife!!"
Husband " Yes but she was available. You did not avail. It is your fault"

Joke: Good sense in keeping the mouth shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Joke: Ask a question to Charlie

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"