Humour: The Modern Toolbox

Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones
enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did
while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over
$1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools.
Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a
homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of
a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the
area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a
standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone
The handyman's 999.

Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of
your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting
airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain saw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally
built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.