A master's Guide to Zen

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

* The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

* Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

* Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

* Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

* Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

* If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

* Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

* If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

* Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

* If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

* Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

* Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

* Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

* Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

* Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Sister in law always appears to be the most beautiful woman.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

* The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

* Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.