Some Thoughts for the Day

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin -- It won't work and you can't fire it.