Humour: Some handy tips (don't try them at home)

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken
performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and
letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking
an articulated lorry outside your house for a few days. Then dim and
flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the
articulated lorryunseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch
their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping
and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back
to sleep.