Funny: Some jokes

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes.

I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop.

I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.

"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

------------------------

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly,

"What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

-------------------------

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Funny: Lawyer vs police

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win. 

Funny: Behavior changes based on age

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. You don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

Funny: Some jokes

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

-------------------------

Little Morris' 2nd grade class was on a field trip to a local police station.

At the station they saw photos of the 10 most wanted criminals. tacked to a bulletin board.

Morris pointed at a photo and asked if one of the photos was really that of a bad criminal.

" Yes " said a policeman, " He is a very dangerous person and we want to capture him very badly."

Morris looked puzzled and said, " So why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

-----------------------

Signs It's Way Too Hot

* The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that it came out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your door.

* The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.

* Cows give homogenized milk right there at the Dairy.

* Chickens lay hard boiled eggs.

* You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.

* The frozen pork loin you bought at the grocery on special is fully cooked by the time you get home and you only live a two minute drive from the store.

* The squash in your garden are fully cooked when you pick them.

* "Ice Cube" forced to change his name to "Wet Spot."

* Too late, you realize that killing someone for a Slurpee is probably a crime.

* Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.

* You shaved ten minutes off the morning commute by cooking breakfast on your dashboard on the way in.

* Your kids are toasting marshmallows -- by sticking them out the window.

* Water comes out of the "cold" faucet at the same temperature as the "hot" faucet.

Funny: Some jokes

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

-------------------------

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us 100,000,00 we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

---------------------------

One couple is discussing about their past, present and future.
The husband asks his wife: “If I die, with whom you will stay?”
Wife replied with sad mood: “With my sister”.
Then Wife also asked to Husband: “With whom you will stay if I died?”

Husband replied: “I will stay with your sister too.”

---------------------------

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

----------------------

"What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

Funny: Some jokes

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

---------------------

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

"Decipher is spelled with a 'ph', not an 'f'," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."

A minute later his reply: "Must be dephective."

-------------------

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."

Funny: Some jokes

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

----------------------------

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion,
you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or
twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"


---------------------------

A woman in my office, recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher course in CPR.

"Is it hard to learn?" asked someone.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "All you're asked to do is breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problems. I did that for 32 years."

Funny: Some jokes

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances.

After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

---------------------------

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.

Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".

Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

So Stumpy says "By Jeebahs, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go".

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you holler out, but you didn't!"

And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"


------------------------

The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir."

"What do you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.

"Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'Is that you, you old fool?'" explained the boy.

Funny: Some jokes

While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny's Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites.

Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

"My name is Kirby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Johnny".

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked.

Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Kirby.

Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."

-----------------------

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

----------------------

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and Georgia, and possibly-Minnesota!

Funny: Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. IT REALLY WORKS

Funny: Some jokes

On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

----------------------------

An old man was enjoying his hundredth birthday party when a reporter approached him and asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your longevity?"

The old man thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, young man, every evening at 7PM I have a glass of red wine. They say it's good for the heart, you know."

"That's it?" asked the reporter.

"That," the old man said, "and cancelling my voyage on the Titanic."

Funny: Some jokes

My cousin Mike owned one of the biggest furniture stores in Miami.

I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out a new line of merchandise himself, and as he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women. .

Mike later related, that as he was checking into a hotel in Rome, he met a beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

Mike took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi and a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner Mike sketched two dancers and she was delighted.

They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Mike said he was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

------------------------------

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.

They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Funny: Some jokes

The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.

The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"

"No, I'm just waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."


---------------------

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.

I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."

--------------------------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Funny: Some jokes

Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian Government.

Govt. official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again. And still not reply.

Finally he shouts, "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

---------------------------

An illegal immigrant picked up a hooker.

"How much you charge?"

"$100."

"You do it 'Immigrant Style'?"

"No."

"I pay $200 for Immigrant Style."

"No," she said, not knowing what Immigrant Style was.

"I pay $300."

"No."

"$400."

"No."

He worked his way up to $1,000 and she thought, "I've done it every other way possible; how bad could Immigrant Style be?"

"Okay," she agreed.

They did it in every way and in every position for hours. When they were finally finished, the exhausted hooker said, "I was expecting something perverted or disgusting but that was fun! So what exactly is Immigrant
Style?"

The illegal immigrant replied, "Simple: You send bill to government!"

Funny: Some jokes

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."


--------------------

You know you work for the government when...

* The process becomes more important than the product

* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about

* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.

* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.

(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor

(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. 

Funny: Looking to be hard working

Secrets of Government Workers (You pick the Government!)

1. Never walk without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with
you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during
public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

11. MOST IMPORTANT:

DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake

Funny: A redhead

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free.....if she follows you everywhere you go, if she pitches a tent in your front lawn, and if she puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Q: What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead!

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Funny: Priest, Rabbi and preacher

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all  served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me.
So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.

He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

Funny: Some jokes

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any Jewish rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'

---------------------------

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new Dentist I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy, with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview high school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a bulldog,' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach???


------------------------

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this.

Funny: Some jokes

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies.

He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"

The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet." 

------------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

------------------------------

Toward the end of a church service, the minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have an enemy in the world," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"I happen to be ninety-eight years young," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have a single enemy?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived them all."

Funny: The secret of making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Funny: Some jokes

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts, "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi.

"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No no no ! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place . . . .Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."

--------------------------

ALIMONY...The fee a woman charges for name dropping.

CHARITY...That generous impulse to give away something you have no use for.

CHILDHOOD...That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

COMMITTEE...A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

CONCEIT...A form of "I" strain.

DIET...Something to take the starch out of you.

DIPLOMACY...Saying, "nice doggy," while you're looking around for a rock.

EGOTISM...The art of seeing qualities in yourself which others can't see.
...That which enables a man who is in a rut to think he's "in the groove."

EGOTIST...A conceited person who thinks he knows as much as you do.
...A person who thinks if he hadn't been born, people would wonder why.

FLATTERY...The art of telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself.

GIRDLE...An ingenious device invented to keep an unfortunate situation from spreading.

HIGHBROW...A person educated beyond their intelligence.

LAZINESS...The habit of resting before you get tired.

MEMORY...The thing I forget with.

OLD AGE...A time of life when men pay more attention to the food than they do to the waitress.

PARENTS...People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

PARKING METER...A piggy bank on a hitching post.

PARKING SPACE...An area which disappears as you are making a U-turn.

POISE...The ability to keep talking while the other person picks up the check.

PREJUDICE...Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale.

PROVERB...A short sentence based on long experience.

PRUNE...A plum that has seen better days.

RELATIVES...People who come to dinner who aren't friends.

SKIING...Something you learn in many sittings.

SMALL TOWN...A place where it's no sooner done than said.
...A place where the postmaster knows more than the schoolmaster, but not as much as the telephone operator.

SOCIAL GRACE...When you start out on the right foot rather than putting it in your mouth.

SOCIAL TACT...Making people feel at home when you wish they were.

WAITRESS...A person who thinks money grows on trays.

Adult Joke: Riding a cycle

I was talking to my friend last night at a cafe about my 4 motorcycles, all the bikes have women's names.

An elderly couple entered and sat in the next booth.

My friend asked me, "So which one are you going to ride tonight?"

I responded, "I think I will ride Mary for about three hours, eat, rest a bit, then ride Vixen for 2 hours."

The man sitting next to us spewed his coffee.

My friend continued, "When are you going to ride the others?" I said, "Well, Amy will get ridden all day Saturday if my butt doesn't get too sore."

The wife of the old man raised her eyebrows and smiled at me.

I continued, "Sunday I expect to ride Alice in the country over rough roads, she handles better than the others."

"How?" my friend quered.

"Well I get going as fast as I can, grab her by the handles and hang on for dear life."

"Has she ever thrown you." asked my friend

"A couple of times. Which is why I wear a helmet."

The old man leered at me.

"Where do you keep them?" my friend wondered aloud.

"I keep them locked up in the garage. I don't want anyone else to touch them but me."

Again the man's wife looked at me and smiled. The man got red in the face.

My friend asked, "You can only ride em one at a time, so can I ride one?"

"Heck yes, as long as you have life insurance. These gals are rough and tough and give no quarter."

Also, I have to charge you 10 dollars an hour to cover the maintenance on these ladies."

"Do you kick them to get them started." he asked.

"No, I just choke them a bit, then fire them fire up. They warm up really fast."

"Okay here is 10 dollars, let's go." My friend summerizes.

"Here is the key to unlock her."

The husband and wife fainted.

Funny: Some jokes

An American and an English officer were in the Officers' Mess having a few drinks.

After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following (gentleman's) bet: The one who
could tell the biggest lie would win.

They drew straws, and the American officer got to start:

"Well," he says, "there once was an American gentleman--"

"Stop!" cried the Englishman, "You win!"

--------------------------

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand while pulling a buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter:  

l   Want coffee.

The waiter says,  "Sure, Chief, coming right up." 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.  The Indian drinks the coffee down, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. 

The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter:   

 "Want coffee."    

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!"  "We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?"   

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 


"Training for position in US Congress.  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." 

Joke: Mormon and God

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to become Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a
Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her.

"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do".

They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?"

Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said, "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much."

Mrs. Madsen said, "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"

Funny: Some jokes

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.'

But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"


---------------------------

Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time.

When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere.

So we asked, "How are you taking it?"

Her reply, "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"


----------------------------

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

"We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk.

"Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I'd called.

"Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if there's anybody out there sitting on one."

Joke: Price of a female brain

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Funny: Some jokes

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."


-------------------------

Selma and Sara, two elderly ladies are walking down the beach in Miami.

Selma whispers to Sara

"Sara I must tell you something. I'm having an affair"

Sara replies

"Really? So who's the caterer"


--------------------------

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.

I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

Joke: Eating with the captain

Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.

"Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me; this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Bubbeh of the Sea,' an intimate
seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go."

Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "Okay dear."

On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the dock in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my
table tonight."

Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."

Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"

"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."