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Monday, February 15, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts, "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi.

"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No no no ! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place . . . .Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."


ALIMONY...The fee a woman charges for name dropping.

CHARITY...That generous impulse to give away something you have no use for.

CHILDHOOD...That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.

COMMITTEE...A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

CONCEIT...A form of "I" strain.

DIET...Something to take the starch out of you.

DIPLOMACY...Saying, "nice doggy," while you're looking around for a rock.

EGOTISM...The art of seeing qualities in yourself which others can't see.
...That which enables a man who is in a rut to think he's "in the groove."

EGOTIST...A conceited person who thinks he knows as much as you do.
...A person who thinks if he hadn't been born, people would wonder why.

FLATTERY...The art of telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself.

GIRDLE...An ingenious device invented to keep an unfortunate situation from spreading.

HIGHBROW...A person educated beyond their intelligence.

LAZINESS...The habit of resting before you get tired.

MEMORY...The thing I forget with.

OLD AGE...A time of life when men pay more attention to the food than they do to the waitress.

PARENTS...People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

PARKING METER...A piggy bank on a hitching post.

PARKING SPACE...An area which disappears as you are making a U-turn.

POISE...The ability to keep talking while the other person picks up the check.

PREJUDICE...Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale.

PROVERB...A short sentence based on long experience.

PRUNE...A plum that has seen better days.

RELATIVES...People who come to dinner who aren't friends.

SKIING...Something you learn in many sittings.

SMALL TOWN...A place where it's no sooner done than said.
...A place where the postmaster knows more than the schoolmaster, but not as much as the telephone operator.

SOCIAL GRACE...When you start out on the right foot rather than putting it in your mouth.

SOCIAL TACT...Making people feel at home when you wish they were.

WAITRESS...A person who thinks money grows on trays.

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