Stickers On a Bumper Near You

· There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.

· Feminist chicks dig me.

· I just got back from a testicle convention. I had a ball.

· I feel so much better since I lost hope.

· If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

· It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.

· Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?

· Don't vote. It just encourages them.

· Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

· Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

· If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?

· Ask me about my vow of silence.

· If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.

· Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

· Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

· We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.

· A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.

· Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be
out by itself.

· Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

· I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.

· Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

· When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

· You are right where you belong. Behind me.

· Old age comes at a bad time.

· The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

· Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

· Do unto others before they do unto you.

· Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

· Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

· Disarm rapists.

· I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

· Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to
know.

· I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

· If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the
IRS.

· Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.

· Was today really necessary?

· Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

· The more I learn, the less I understand.

· Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an
artist.

· Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.

· I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.

· Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

· Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.

· O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.

· The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

· I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

· I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

· Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

· Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

· Does your train of thought have a caboose?

· Better living through denial.

· I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

· You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

· Beauty is only a light switch away.

· Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

· I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

· So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!

· I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

· I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

· Prevent inbreeding. Ban country music.

· The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.

· If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.

· It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

· If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

· I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.

· A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.