What can you do right ?

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

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You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................ +1

You leave dishes in the sink..................................... -1

You leave them under the bed..................................... -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5

But return with beer............................................. -5

You leave the toilet seat up..................................... -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................ 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to

the next bathroom............................................. -2

You make the bed................................................. +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0

check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............. +5

You pummel it with a six iron.................................... +10

It's her father.................................................. -10

Social Engagements

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You stay by her side the entire party............................ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a

college drinking buddy........................................ -2

Named Tiffany.................................................... -4

Tiffany is a dancer.............................................. -6

Tiffany has implants............................................. -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"

and pat her on the rump........................................ -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if

you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near

as attractive as you"......................................... +1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's

attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy

in bed"....................................................... -6

That woman is her sister......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it................................ 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..... -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

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You unclog a stopped-up toilet................................... +6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................. +7

You get rid of a dead rodent..................................... +8

remove the collie from the thresher.............................. +12

You take her mother to see Cats.................................. +16

Saturday Afternoon

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You go to the mall together...................................... +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then

park the car.................................................. +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive

to a sports bar............................................... -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3

Most of it chips and beer........................................ -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15

Or refinishing the floors........................................ +16

Or rewiring the basement......................................... +17

Or adding a second floor......................................... +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..... -6

And you're tickled pink about it................................. -15

You visit her parents............................................ +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation............. +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....... -3

And the television is off........................................ -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your

underwear..................................................... -6

And you didn't even go to college................................ -10

And it's not your underwear...................................... -15

Her Birthday

------------

You take her out to dinner........................................ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

painted the colors of your favorite team...................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up

and sing....................................................... +4

And you stink..................................................... +2

And you're not half bad........................................... +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out

to much applause............................................... -2

You give her a gift............................................... 0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness

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You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys

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Go out with a pal................................................. -5

And the pal is happily married.................................... -4

Or frighteningly single........................................... -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers.............................................. -9

And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out

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You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work

friends..................................................... +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home

late.......................................................... +10

You wait up...................................................... +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,

but not before she pukes in the bathroom....................... +25

Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home

---------------

You watch TV together............................................. 0

You rent a movie.................................................. +1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2

A Night Out

-----------

You take her to a movie........................................... +2

You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6

You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2

It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7

Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and

sheepdogs...................................................... -15

Flowers

-------

You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

Your Physique

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You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5

Grooming

--------

You trim your nails............................................... +5

You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15

You shave on the weekends......................................... +2

You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4

You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8

But then, neither does she........................................ +8

Finances

--------

You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5

Something she can't use........................................... -10

Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20

And your kid needs braces......................................... -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120

Driving

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You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close

and personal.................................................. -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt................. -60

The Big Question

----------------

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding........................................ -10

You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")