Reasons to Buy a New Car

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

Keep losing dates on left turns.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.