Bad puns

My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling.

Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.

The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve.

A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the "stainless stealer."

Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job to buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to watch TV without a re-moat.

I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills. It was labeled "Due unto others."

She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from Mourning Sickness!

Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many earthquakes?

A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and how about one for the road."

Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian slips.

Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended"

Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?

They loved in vein.

"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. "It's walking between those two buildings--it's obviously an alleygator."

I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot.

Stable relationships are for horses

There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound.

Some daze I just can't seem to focus.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking

The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir Cumference

A boy who looked like his father the sculptor was a chip off the old block

The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijana to his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse.

Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.

"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."

Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

The man who worked in the gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out.