ONE LINERS FOR PILOTS

Here are some great lines emailed by a truly humorous Air-Force pilot and a friend. Some of these have been around before but there are some new ones. Pilots/ex-pilots will particularly find these humorous (and serious depending on one's experience).

----> You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

----> The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

----> Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)

----> If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

----> When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

----> Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

----> What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up the pilot dies.

----> Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"

----> Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

----> I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

----> Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

----> Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

----> Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

----> When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

----> Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

----> Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

----> The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

----> A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

----> If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

----> If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

----> Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

----> There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

----> The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown)

----> If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:

- Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.

- The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

- You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.