Did I do something at the New Year's Party ?

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general
feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a
"dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something
wrong at the office New Years Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is
my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you.
I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem
to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things
I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father
is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a
delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in
Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are
undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head
when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must
remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the
stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight
feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that
when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never
done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been
standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke
your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false
alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a
big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't
they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom
closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to
think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to
pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for
dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and
hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I
was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I
couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that
old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too
much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny
at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is
divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them
about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven,
I will do my darndest to come to the picnic.