Jokes

1. President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a
300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush
strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central
London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six
magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham
Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right
rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British
Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes
the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their
best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's
ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please
accept my regrets... I'm sure you understand that there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control".

Mr. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give
the matter another thought... you know, if you hadn't said something I
would have thought it was one of the horses."


2. Billy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up booze."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Billy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."


3. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."



4.
A shrewd old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the old farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, and special tires, and that was what took the price up.

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece. Come and look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500. The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for those too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

BASIC COW......................$500.00
Two-tone exterior...............$45.00
Extra stomach.......................$75.00
Product storing equipment..$60.00
Straw compartment............$120.00
4 spigots @$10 ea................$40.00
Leather upholstery.............$125.00
Dual horns..............................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter .......$38.00
Fertilizer attachment........$185.00

GRAND TOTAL ........... $1,233.00



4. One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."



5. A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."



6. 12 WAYS TO REDUCE YOUR COUNSELING LOAD

Not every pastor enjoys counseling. But other than by skipping town, how can you decrease the demand? Here, based on specious clinical research, are a dozen methods guaranteed to keep counseling off your to-do list.

1. Don't put a door on your office.

2. Sing songs such as "Put on a Happy Face" and "Don't Worry; Be Happy" to counselees.

3. Step out of the office and start laughing uproariously.

4. Tell the counselee that although you can't figure out a solution to the problem, you'll bring it up in the sermon on Sunday and see if anybody has any ideas.

5. Casually catch up on your reading while counselees bare their deepest problems.

6. Tell the counselee you are videotaping the session for replay on the local cable program: "Candid Clergy."

7. Put a bumper sticker on your car: "I'd rather not be counseling."

8. Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: the National Enquirer.

9. Suggest counseling by fax machine.

10. In front of the counselee, phone your spouse and ask for his or her opinion on what to do.

11. Recite tales of people who are a lot worse off, and call the counselee a crybaby.

12. Engage the counselee's mother-in-law as a co-therapist.