Jokes

1. A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City.
It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"
His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies
those ladies have?"

She quickly replied, "They become cab drivers!"


2. Many women don't understand Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you says, She's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, May I, and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, I'm fantastic in bed! That's Spam.


3. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? The man says, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!



4. A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.

She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."



5. An idiot was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read: YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00

He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds,

and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."

The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."

He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.

He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.

Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."


6. The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next
objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their
supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS.

They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the
woods in formation.

Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled
"phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".

They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.

They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage
cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the
top of their lungs.

For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and
machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.

Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs,
whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green.

For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the occasional
crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One;
suspect headed straight for you..." etc.

After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer "Take
this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five
hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night drags on
and dawn breaks.

Finally, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police,
holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises,
one eye swollen shut.

"Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "All right,
all right. I'm a rabbit!"