Jokes

1. An 80 year-old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him, and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 80 year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four - 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand."


2. "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead
slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"



3. A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"


4. Nothing has really changed, even though we think we've gotten smarter, and technologically advanced. We've just gone back to square one!

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1987 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2007 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


5. After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court, the attorney spoke up. "Your Honor," he said, "what would you do if I called you a stupid degenerate old fool."

The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!"

"What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.

"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you may."

"Oh, I see... Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, I 'think' you're a stupid degenerate old fool.



6, A man walked into a bar with his alligator and
asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said
the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."


7. A couple had a lot of potted plants, and during a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of
them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

A little green snake was hidden in one of them
and when it was sufficiently warmed up, it came
slithering out and went under the sofa.

The wife saw it and let out a big scream.

The husband was taking a shower but, when he
heard his wife scream, ran to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He
got down on the floor to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the
stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from the sofa.

The EMS saw it and dropped the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in
the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake, so he armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone.

The wife sat down on the sofa in relief.

But as her hand dangled in between the cushions, she felt the snake.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa, and the neighbor man tried to use
his long forgotten CPR skills.

The neighbor's wife, who had been at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the
woman's and slammed her husband in the back of
the head with a bag of canned goods, an injury calling for hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint.

She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey,and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man,smelled the whiskey
and listened as the two women tried to explain
how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

That put the woman and the snake right back in
worse shape than they were in when the whole thing started.

The snake was badly unnerved, As was the woman.