Funny: Some jokes

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.

When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

----------------------

A rabbit and a snake were both injured in a California earthquake.

The impact caused both to become blind and to lose their memories.

In an attempt to find out who they each were, they decided to feel each other.

First, the snake felt the rabbit.

"Well, you are fuzzy and warm. You have a round cottony tail and two long ears."

"Hooray!" exclaimed the rabbit, "I must be a bunny."

Next the blind rabbit felt the snake.

He was thoughtful for a moment. "Let's see--you are long, cold and slimy and you have a little forked tongue."

The snake wailed, "Oh no! I must be a politician."

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A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." Said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read
it t-t-t-t-to you?"

Funny: Some jokes

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

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Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"

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Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care.

So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery to demand an explanation or get my money back.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?"

You can imagine how stupid I felt when he simply said, "Autumn."

Funny: Some jokes

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.

Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.

"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.

"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

----------------------------

DOWN in redneck country, Bubba attends a church revival meeting and joins in the singing, clapping and dancing with great enthusiasm. The preacher raises his arms in the air and calls for people in the congregation to come forward if they are in need of a special prayer. "Don't be shy, come forward and all the brothers and sisters will pray for you. The power of our love can move mountains." A queue forms and the preacher begins the laying-on of hands and loud exhortations. Bubba waits patiently and when it's finally his turn, the preacher says: "Welcome my son, the Lord is with you. What would you like me to pray about for you?" Bubba replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays long and loud. The congregation shouts its approval. After a few minutes the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: "Bubba how is your hearing now?" Bubba says: "I don't know, preacher, it ain't until next Thursday."

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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." 

Story: A beautiful day

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.'

There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.

He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'

The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.' What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.'

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have.
Be creative...
Be innovative...
Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness.... In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.'

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling...
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!! 

Joke: What to do ?

I just wanted you to know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry. BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail to see if there are any bills to be paid.

Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook. BUT FIRST, I need to put the glass in the sink.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away. BUT FIRST, I need to water those plants.

I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants. BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy ALL day!

I realize this condition is serious. I'd get help. BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail.

Joke: Selling on the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly
shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................

"Yes" he replied.

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

Funny: Office quotes

Quote from a recent meeting: 'We are going to continue having these  meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done'.

Quote from the Boss... 'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.'

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: 'We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.'

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me ' What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.'

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: ' I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!'

HR Manager to job candidate 'I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.

'Quote from telephone inquiry 'We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.'

Joke: The parrot and the plumber

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't
happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Funny: Some jokes

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: "To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the girl asks all enthusiastic.

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"


---------------------

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Finally it's Little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed holding only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. And, on the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he whipped out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he had to kill the last ten men with his bare hands."

The teacher stares at Johnny her jaw frozen in shock. Finally she stammers "Is there possibly some moral to this story , Johnny"?

"Sure" Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's swallowed a case of beer."

Funny: Adult questions and answer

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male...send address and photos! You may begin ... now!

CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me. 

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney

Humor: Doctor and cryptic comments

THE doctor purses his lips, looks at you pityingly over his half-moon spectacles and quietly writes something on his clipboard, something short, sharp and authoritative. He turns away to answer the phone and you seize the diversion to sneak a look at your case notes. He has written: "Plumbum oscillans."

What disease can this be? It sounds contagious... maybe even fatal... Is it time to phone friends and family and say farewell? Is your will up to date?

Relax.

Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health - it is Latin for "swinging the lead," and it is the doctor's discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work.

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsayable, especially to the patient.

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary's Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms.

They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for "Unexplained Beer Injury"), PAFO ("Pissed And Fell Over") and ATFO ("Asked To F... Off"), not to mention Code Brown, referring to a faecal incontinence emergency.

Then there is DBI, for "Dirtbag Index." This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient's body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one's records.

The first means "Circling The Drain," the second signifies "Good for Parts Only" and "Rule of Five" means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance.

A patient who is "giving the O-sign" is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the "Q-sign" -- when the tongue hangs out of the mouth -- when the patient becomes terminal.

General practitioners may use LOBNH ("Lights On But Nobody Home") or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick.

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: "Pumpkin positive", referring to the idea that the person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin.

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for "God Only Knows."

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means "Funny Looking Kid" and NFN signifies "Normal For Norfolk," a rural English county.

Fox says he has a list of more than 200 terms used by medical practitioners in Britain but his collection shows that doctors around the world make up their own versions.

In Brazil, for instance, physicians use the acronym PIMBA for what can be translated as "swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar."

Fox agrees that some terms are offensive and even cause confusion to other doctors who are not in the know.

But he asks at least for critics to understand the stress that doctors face every day. And in any case, the colourful language is under threat of dying out because of fears of lawsuits.

"The use of medical slang helps to depersonalise the distress encountered in doctors' everyway working lives," Fox told the British Medical Journal (BMJ) last year.

"It is a way of detaching and distancing oneself from patients' distress through loss, grief, disease, dying and death. Often someone else's pain is too much for us, so we cut up..."

Funny: Some jokes

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada.

The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery.

Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.

"Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.

His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose."

"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"


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Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal,

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

 

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." when his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

 

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

 

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart', and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

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A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's
certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says. "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Funny: Some jokes

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil.

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.

"It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

-------------------

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!"

-----------------

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil.

While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging.

"It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Sometime later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

Joke: The license

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

Funny: Some jokes

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

------------------

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

----------------------

I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary.

It said, "To do battle with the enemy."

Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."

-----------------------

Funny: Some jokes

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all the aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Hell, probably the same thing."


---------------------------

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.

They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

Humor: The mommy test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

" I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

Funny: Some jokes

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
John, Joanna, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

 When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask.... 
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-

No.. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair....
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle ........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!! 

Funny: Some jokes

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

--------------------------

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

-------------------------

Short jokes:

At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

Humor: Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Funny: Some jokes

Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

If you have done all this and are still in control of yourself, you are now ready to feed a baby.

-----------------------

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

------------------------

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day: "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

Funny: Seeing Eye Dog

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Funny: The casanova

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, "Pete, how the hell do you do it? You're a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what's your secret?"

Pete was in a conversational mood. "I wouldn't do this for everybody, Eddie," he said, "but you're a friend, so I'll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it's really very simple. It's all in the approach! Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You'll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course."

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete's instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en route and didn't waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available.

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she'd like to have a nice quiet drink with him. "I'd love to," she said, "but let's go to my place. It's near here and it's very, very quiet."

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. They'd been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman's husband entered.

"Goddammit, Betty!" he cried. "What the hell's going on here? So this is what you do when my back is turned... And as for you, you bastard - I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!"

Funny: MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?

Amnesia What did you just ask me?

Apathy I don't care.

Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Damnation Go to hell!

Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards

Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive Go do your homework.

Flatulent That question really stinks!

Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Ignorance I don't know.

Indifference It doesn't matter.

Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Masturbation Your father can handle that question.

Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions?

Humor: The Wife's First Game of Golf

A husband takes his gorgeous trophy-wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? "

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Joke: Twist in the end

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP? 

(Did you get it ?)

Humor: Children and god

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article.

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me.

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions?

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now?

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really?

Dear God: I know there's a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there.

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I'm afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

Humor: Mom's survival tips

1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won't.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

Story: Being prepared for the storm

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received A steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the storm rages," answered the little man.

Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, Hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming!  Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the storm blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.

Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the
wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.

Funny: Some jokes

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..   Its just that,
One loves too much, And the other loves too many,

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary...!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5) Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as
GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed...!

6) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an...  Opening for you..! "
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door...!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.

Funny: Some jokes

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

Advantages of Being a Temp

You're only lending your soul, not selling it.

You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.

Trying on a different personality at each new job site.

You don't have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.

No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.

You can avoid the internal "war." I once Temp'd at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.

Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to 'tinkle.'

One day Little Johnny's Grandpa paid them a visit. He was lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper."

Without opening his eyes, his Grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear, son."

When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny have to whisper?"

"Yes!" the old man yelled, "thank goodness he didn't have to shout!"

-------------------------

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest..

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

  Happy Halloween!

Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yes, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30-to-1!"

---------------------------

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation, or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

--------------------------

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

--------------------------

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to find it.

I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."

Humor: You May Be A Nurse If...

• You occasionally park in the space with the "Physicians Only" sign, and knock it over.

• You always follow the rules, but you're wise enough to forget them sometimes.

• You have seen more 'moons' than the Hubble telescope.

• You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.

• You believe that saying, "It can't get any worse," causes it to get worse just to show you that it can.

• You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

• You've ever thought that a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

• You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

• You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

• The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why not!

• You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

• You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

• Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

• You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

• You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of needles."