Funny: Some jokes

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

 

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." when his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

 

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

 

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart', and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

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A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's
certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says. "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"