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Saturday, April 5, 2008

New nursery rhymes

Politically Correct Nursery Rhymes

Due to the recent Presidential testimony in private litigation, the President has enacted the "Clarity, Equalization and Anti-Discrimination Act of 1999."

Henceforth, the following nursery rhyme:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown; and Jill soon came tumbling after.

New Version.

Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample
of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was anonymously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation, oriented in the same direction, having been traversed by the young man.

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; And so, between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean.

New Version.

Complications arose during a non-congressional investigation of dietary influence. One person of the male gender was unable to assimilate adipose tissue, and another person, of the female gender, was unable to consume tissue, consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. A reciprocal arrangement between the two, who also happened to be a
party of a domesticated alliance, allowed for the total consumption of the viands under consideration, which was ultimately achieved, thus, leaving the original container of the viands, devoid of any contents.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said, "What a good boy am I!"

New Version.

A young person of the male persuasion was situated near the intersection of two supporting elements at right angles to each other. Said person was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual celebration of an annual religious event. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of
genus Prunus. Immediately thereafter, this person made a declarative statement,
regarding the high quality of his character as a young male.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

New Version.

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity, equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path, chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned
ruminant would select the same pathway.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.

New Version.

A person of the female gender, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land, used for the production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic growth, and
pulchritudinous young females, situated in a linear orientation.

Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so the poor dog had none.

New Version.

A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen, to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the
indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.

Three Blind Mice

Three blind mice. See how they run. They all ran after a farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your
life, as three blind mice?

New Version.

A triumvirate of murine rodents, totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity, was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy, utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument, generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.

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