Q & A
Q: When do you know a man is desperate?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q: What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
A: Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday
Q: What's yellow and lays in a tree??
A: Tweetie the whore
Q: What's brown and lays on a piano stool?
A: Beethoven's last movement
Q: What is worse than a piano out of tune?
A: An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.
Q: What two 4-letter words do men hate?
A: Don't and stop, unless used together
Q: What did the prick say to the balls before sex?
A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out.
Q: What do u get when you put a bomb in a girls bra?
A: Tit bits
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
Q: Did you hear about the new computer Apple has developed, small enough to be carried in a fanny pack?
A: It will be called the Macintush.
Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg ?
A: The pit bull gets to finish...
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q: How can you pick out a paranoid Woman?
A: She's the one putting a Condom on her Vibrator.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal child who was expelled from school?
A: They caught him trying to butter up a teacher.
Q: Have you heard about the oversexed woman who would take her vibrator into the tanning booth?
A: She loved to shake and bake
Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bullhumping your leg ?
A: The pit bull gets to finish
Q: Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
A: Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
Q: Why is it so hard to take a picture of a po' white trash family?
A: When the photographer says, "Cheese," they all line up one behind the other to get theirs.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could fit another pair of tits in the space between them!
Q: Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
A: The asshole is always in front of you.
Q: What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
Q: How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?
Q: What's the definition of a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a cadillac?
A: Not everyone has been in a Cadillac!"
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms
Q: Why do men love blowjobs so much?
A: They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.
Q: Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A: They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Q: Why did Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
A: Because Ronny could only fuck up.
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
Q: How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A: Douche with beer.
Q: Where does dragon milk comes from?
A: Short legged cows.
Q: What do you call it when a bomb goes off in your kitchen?
A: Linoleum blown-apart.
Q: What did the prick say to the balls before sex?
A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
Q: What's the difference between a chorus of blondes and a magician?
A: The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What's the definition of the ideal man?
A: One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears.
Q: What should you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: Why does it take a woman longer to have an orgasm?
A: Who cares??
Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: None. After it burns out they just follow it around for years.
Q: How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
A: He read her lips.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your whole week.
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman's body?
A: A Penis!
Q: What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vey.
Q: What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A: Debbila Does Windows
Q: What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?
A: "The Plaintiff."
Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from medical school.
Q: Define "Genius."
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?
A: She puts down her nail file.
Q: What did God say after making Adam?
A: I can do better.
Q: Then what did he say after creating Eve??
A: Shit, guess I was wrong.
Q: What is a fish with out an eye look like?
A: Fsh
Q: What's a Hillbilly fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.
Q: If faced with the choice,what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to forget where you left it!
Q: What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
A: Decaffeinated
Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: There are two sides to every divorce:
A: Yours and shithead's
Q: How are new girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
A: Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...A prick is the guy who owns it.
Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.
Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put booze on the floor.
Q: Why wouldn't the polish husband make love to his new wife?
A: He promised his mother that he wouldn't sleep with a married woman.
Q: What's the best thing to come out of a man's dick when you stroke it?
A: The wrinkles.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: How would a nympho answer this question, "Do you like it with the lights on or off?"
A: "Yes"
Q: What's the down side to a threesome?
A: You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Desert.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One... Men will screw anything.
Q: Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight chuffs?
A: Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?
A: Your girlfriend - just don't tell your wife.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What is the first thing you should do after running over an attorney?
A: Back up.
Q: Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic?
A: Because he can't pass the bar.
Q: You are stranded on a desert island when 3 boats approach. In one is a cannibal, in the 2nd a head hunter and in the 3rd an attorney. You have a gun, but only 2 bullets! What do you do?
A: Shoot the attorney, twice.
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q: How do you define a "tough guy"?
A: He bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it off.
Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A: A nightcrawler.
Q: How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex?
A: You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
Q: What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?
A: Stand back I don't know how big it gets!
Q: What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
A: A mugger uses a gun.
Q: Know what an "11" is?
A: A "10" who doesn't get headaches.
Q: Know the difference between pussy and parsley?
A: Nobody eats parsley.
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "See you next month"
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: Why do women like to play PacMan?
A: It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter.
Q: Why do men like to play Pinball?
A: It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey?
A: A pussy gobbler.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Q: What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A: A headless whoresman.
Q: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?
A: Your girlfriend - just don't tell your wife.
Q: How would a nympho answer this question, "Do you like it with the lights on or off?"
A: "Yes"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
A: They achieved simultaneous headaches.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
Q: How did the Puerto Rican woman loose 20 pounds in one day?
A: She washed off her makeup.
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded in the first place.
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A: Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: Why are women’s feet so small?
A: So they can stand closer to the stove/sink.
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down!
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Tennessee?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?
A: A tourist.
Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
Q: What do you call a Kentuckian who practices birth control?
A: A humanitarian.
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the water say to the boat?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged...
Q: Why are lesbians so lazy?
A: Because they don't do dick.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostitute?
A: A fake dollar is a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanour.
Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q: What is worse than being a bachelor?
A: Being a Bachelor's son
Q: How do you attract a vegetarian?
A: Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
Q: How are tits like martinis?
A: One's not enough and three's too many.
Q: If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy.. What do you call a woman having a sex change?
A: A Giveadictomy.
Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...
Q: What's the definition of a bastard?
A: A man who bonks you all night with a 2 inch penis, then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.
Q: How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A: Douche with beer.
Q: What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Q: What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
A: They both get hot in 15 seconds.
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A: Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Q: How can you tell when a pig is in heat?
A: She buys the first two rounds!
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace
Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A: Obsession
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand
Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A: Honey
Q: Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A: Father's Day
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
A: On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.
Q: Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
A: Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostitute?
A: A fake dollar is a phony buck.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A: A Chin Rest!
Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, until the time she goes home
Q: What do you call a flaming flower shop?
A: A Florist Fire
Q: Why did Dracula get put in jail?
A: Because he tried to rob a blood bank.
Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
Q: What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods?
A: Use a booby trap!
Q: Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
Q: What did the sign at the movie theater in Arkansas say?
A: Children under thirteen not admitted unless accompanied by their husbands."
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A: The rear admiral.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three; one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A: Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.
Q: What's the difference between "kinky" and "erotic?"
A: With "kinky" you use the whole chicken.
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito???
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.
Q: Why is American beer served cold?
A: To distinguish it from piss.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...
Q: What's the definition of skyjacking?
A: A hand job at 32,000 feet.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A: ME!!!
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party;
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Q: What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q: Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
A: I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin"
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What do you call two bicycles welded together?
A: Siamese Schwinns.
Q: What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A: A wedding!
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?
A: Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time?
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...A prick is the guy who owns it.
Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
Q: What do you call a red condom?
A: Little Red Riding Hood
Q: Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
A: Please...How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest.. . Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Q: Why do men always have to ogle other women?
A: Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure). Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Q: Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
Q: Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
A: Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
Q: Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
A: We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Q: How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A: Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
Q: What's with all the belching and farting?
A: This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavors.
Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: What does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast?
A: "Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice."
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.
Q: What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A: Male fraud.
Q: Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: What do you give a man who's got everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q; Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A: Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always over-flowing.
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag
Q: How do you get a Mexican pregnant?
A: Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!!
Q: Where do they get virgin wool?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: How can you make your wife mad while making love?
A: Call her from your cell phone.
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What's the diff between a bomb-blast n a condom?
A: In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...... buying? I HAVE TO REALLY AGREE WITH THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic gynecologist?
A: He wants to look at your vinegar.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.
Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: Why do gay men have moustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic Diver?
A: Mark Spitz,Greg Swallows.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.
Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
Q: Have you heard about the new Home Cloning Kit?
A: You open up the box and there's one page of instructions. Actually, just one instruction: "Go fuck yourself."
Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A: The kid stutters.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Uses To Much Contraceptive Cream?
A: A Spermicidal Maniac.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Punch his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A: A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you say to a girl from Kentucky?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a hillbilly in a suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What does a hillbilly say after sex?
A: Get off me Pa, you're crushing my smokes
Q: Do you know what a space probe is?
A: It's what the doctor uses when he looks in a blonde's ears.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Has Lost 95% Of Her Intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Knows Where Her Husband Is Every Night?
A: A Widow.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: How can you make your wife mad while making love?
A: Call her from your cell phone.
Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Q: What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change operation in order to become a nun?
A: A transsister.
Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the truck door.
Q: What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common???
A: They are both looking for dead beaver!!
Q: What's the definition of "virginity?"
A: A big issue over a little tissue.
Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
A: "Are you in?"
Q: The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper
Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Not a *damn* thing!
Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed.
Q: Why are Egyptian children are always confused about their parents?
A: Because their daddies become mummuies after death.
Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A: A pubic hair.
Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis...even a thought can raise it.
Q: What did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband when she cheated on him?
A: “Honey, I’ve gone public.”
Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.
Q: Did you hear about the couple who both achieved mutual sexual satisfaction at the very same moment?
A: They both said, "Not tonight, I have a headache."
Q: What happened when the cannibal ate a missionary?
A: He got a taste of religion
Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: He drowns!
Q: What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
Q: What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills?
A: Give her a good tongue-lashing.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks?
A: So they will know where to stop shaving.
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Q: What's teenier than a teeny weeny flea?
A: A flea's teeny weeny!
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin
Q: Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A: They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Q: What's a clitoris?
A: A female hood ornament.
Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.
Q: What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
A: They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.
Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows he will be licking your face in about 5 minutes.
Q: What was Moby Dick's father's name?
A: Papa Boner.
Q: How is a blonde and a pitcher different?
A: A blonde doesn't mind when you charge the mound.
Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.
Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.
Q: Did you hear about the new high school course?
A: Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't come.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Your wife.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Q: How come you never see the Taco Bell Chihuahua dancing at a party?
A: Because he has two left feet.
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
A: Learn to swim.
Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist confirm it.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q: What did the girl say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
A: "Where's the beef?"
Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Q: Have you heard the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: "They'll never see you coming."
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.
Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.
Q: How do women get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks.
Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber.
Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.
Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A Clitortous.
Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Not a *damn* thing!
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A zebra with a sunburn.
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a Rotweiler?
A: Security for the 3rd floor.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me & we'll go places.
Q: What is black & white, black & white, black & white, & green?
A: Three skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you get if you cross a stick of dynamite with the white of an egg?
A. A boom-meringue.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball Through A 20 Ft. Garden Hose?
A: 'Darling', 'Sweetheart' , 'Precious', Whatever It Takes.
Q: Why don't Mexicans like blow jobs?
A: Mexicans don't like any kind of job.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers?
A: It is known as the "My Fault" policy.
Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?
A: Lettuce pray
Q: Why should you never iron a four-leaf clover?
A: Don't press your luck.
Q: Why do men have a spine?
A: If they didn't, they'd suck their own dicks all day long.
Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows that in five minutes, he'll be licking your face.
Q: What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
A: In the end, the hero gets the heroin.
Q: What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
A: Decaffeinated
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a computer?
A: Girls won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy...
Q: Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A: Because there's no fucking overhead.
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.
Q: Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What's the room called where enlisted women blow the officers?
A: Headquarters
Q: How would a nympho answer this question, "Do you like it with the lights on or off?"
A: "Yes"
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo machine.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Why was alcohol created?
A: So ugly people could have sex, too.
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Saturday, March 1, 2008
Q & A
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