The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach

The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach
16. Insists a bag of Doritos is necessary for doing crunches.
15. After explaining your fitness goals, exclaims, "Oh, you meant *physical* fitness!"
14. Has designed a resistance machine to train your "love muscle."
13. His physique is less Bruce Lee and more Bruce Vilanch.
12. Tells you to "feel the burn" while holding your hand over a candle, G. Gordon Liddy-style.
11. Those aren't typos on his business card; he really does work for "Belly Total Fatness."
10. His IM alias: PastramiKing
9. The skinny bastard can't seem to compliment your progress without adding "... for a fat guy."
8. Insists that "Calisthenics" is book by L. Ron Hubbard.
7. "What say you cut this set short and help me polish off this box of jelly-filleds?"
6. His stamina training involves you jogging to the package store and toting back a case of Zima.
5. Claims she's related to Jenny Craig, but looks suspiciously like *Larry* Craig.
4. He uses a cheeseburger as a bookmark in the training manual.
3. Makes a beeping noise like a truck backing up every time you walk across the room.
2. Gets winded unwrapping his cigarettes.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach...
1. Today's workout: You push him and his out-of-gas car around town so he can run errands.