ONE LINERS

ONE LINERS

* Wedding ring. The world's smallest handcuffs.

* Do you ever notice that every time you find an answer, the question changes

* Try to avoid people who are really nice to you. Sooner or later, you know they are going to ask you for a favor.

* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

* The high cost of living doesn't bother me when I enter a supermarket. Nope. What gets me, though, is the high cost of leaving.

* A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.

* Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong, silent type and the simply stupid type.

* A husband: A person who expects his wife to be perfect and to understand why he isn't.

* Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.

* Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

* Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

* Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

* Excess is the part of breast that does not fit in your mouth and surplus is the other breast.

* Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

* Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, "Take one capsule as often as you can afford it."

* Sex. The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

* A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

* Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for poor people. The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if you could afford it.

* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

* What one generation sees as a luxury, the next sees as a necessity.

* If brains were taxed, most people would get a rebate

* You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.

* Jewish dilemma "Free PORK"

* The three words men hate to hear most during sex "Are you in?"

* If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of your dick shaped like an axe?

* It's not the ones who don't know how to drive that cause you to worry; it's those who don't know they don't know.

* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

* A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.

* Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

* Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!

* Simultaneous orgasms," explains a sex therapist, "are mostly the result of a stroke of luck.

* A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

* One of your resolutions should be to speak softly and sweetly. If your words are soft and sweet, they won't be as hard to swallow when you have to eat them.

* How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

* The big difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that sex for money costs less.

* Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

* The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

* Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

* Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

* Love at first sight is possible, but it is always a good idea to wipe off your glasses and take a second look.

* Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.

* I wonder if there is really someone around to call the Mom after an auto accident and tell her, "I was there. His/Her underwear was spotless."

* When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

* Criticism wouldn't be so hard to take if it weren't so often right.

* It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.

* Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

* I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!"

* Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

* For the man who has everything, there is now a calendar to remind him when the payments are due.

* You might be a Redneck If... Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as fishing lures.

* Jesus walks into a hotel, lays 3 stakes down on the counter and asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"

* God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.

* If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it; it's much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

* Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

* If men could wag their penis the same way a dog wags his tail, it would add a whole new meaning to "I'm so happy to see you!"

* Women are like computers - even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

* Family planning has many misconceptions.

* Poets who become singers go from bard to verse.

* Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"

* Ever notice that every time congress hammers out a new budget, its the taxpayers who get nailed?

* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how/when to be mute.

* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

* They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable. But couldn't something be worked out, such as being moderately rich and just moody.

* Whoever thought that one-day the only place in town to get gas at a decent price would be Taco Bell?

* Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

* If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

* When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

* Confucius says, panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

* Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

* "Episcopalians.... they kneel, they sit, they stand, they kneel, they sit, they stand, it's like 'Simon Says' without a winner!"

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

* The Bible tells us to love our neighbors. It also warns us to love our enemies. This is probably because they are generally the same people.

* Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how/when to be mute.

* Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road.

* Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...
....it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

* When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."

* Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

* Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about men, women or fractions.

* The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.

* Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

* Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

* Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry... that is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

* Women don't just choose a boyfriend... they pick him.... to pieces.

* The orthopedic doctor joined the Navy. His favorite song was "Ankles A Way!"

* Many men say women cannot be trusted too far.
Many women, on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close.

* Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

* Prince Charles is the only person who had a wife that looked like a mistress and a mistress that looks like a wife!

* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

* Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

* A Wise Man Once Said, I Don't Kmow, Ask a Woman

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

* Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

* The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise;
The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.

* The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

* The tongue is located only inches from the brain, but it often sounds as if it were miles away.

* The high cost of living doesn't bother me when I enter a supermarket. Nope. What gets me, though, is the high cost of leaving.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* Condoms should be marketed in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and super colossal. In that way, men do nothave to go in and ask for the small.

* If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on How To?

* It's astonishing how politicians never say anything; yet always insist they're being misquoted!

* Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

* Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.

* Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

* Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by hand.

* I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

* Alimony has an advantage for an ex-husband. He doesn't have to bring his paycheck home. He can mail it.

* Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began walking upright. To free up their hands for masturbation.

* Being in debt is one way of proving you can have less than nothing.

* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

* I personally don't mind growing old, but my body's taking it badly.

* The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

* Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

* It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

* They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

* Boss to employee: I like you, you're easy to talk down to.

* Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given. But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

* Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich.

* Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

* Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.

* My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

* Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

* On a first date, guys usually take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

* Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

* A will is a dead giveaway.

* Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

* If you live within your income you'll live without worry -- and a lot of other things.

* Just be glad you're not getting all the government you're paying for.

* I am pretty sure that sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

* The marriage contract is like a mafia deal -- "till death do us part." Even AA is one day at a time.

* Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

* The reason computers can do more work is they don't have to stop and answer the phone.

* Temptation is caused by sensation, a guy sticks his destination in your location to increase the population of the next generation... do you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

* Something has to be wrong; we spend sixty million a year on medical research and two billion on get-well cards!

* The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis. They have plenty of rackets... but no balls!!

* Sign on a bankrupt bakery: No dough today!

* Sign in a suspenders factory: We specialize in hold-ups!

* Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong, silent type and the simply stupid type.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

* There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.