Jokes

1. There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; Alas, he couldn't
afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground.
So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant's balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no". Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and
fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically



2. "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
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The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants."