Jokes

1. A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents
gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually
have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to
talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the
course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome,
Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a
new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to
me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little
redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to
your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"


2. Tips for Healthy Living
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually, speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1 to 1. If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is 2 to 1, etc.

Q: What are advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



3. Here is a letter written by a HR executive to his love:

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between
us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a
prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and
depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon
completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training
and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to
spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be
shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might
take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough
to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,
failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and
I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could
forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this
offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo



4. A Learning Experience

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... And then there are educators.



5. The Bridge Club

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out and meet at another home, but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"


6. A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes Granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's *really* me, Granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "Are you sure it's you, Grandmother?"

"Yes, Granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"