Jokes

1. A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five
miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket
collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to
pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your
suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this
vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more
enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs
the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river
and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector,
"Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone
an' drowned me boy Angus!"


2. The little girl was sitting in her grandma's lap as she read
her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take
her eyes off the book and reach up to touch her wrinkled
cheek.

By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
hers again. Finally she spoke......

"Grandma, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" she answered, "God made me a long time
ago."

"Oh she said," then "Grandma, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" she assured her. "God made you just a
little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed.....

"God's getting better at it now, isn't he?


3. There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He
was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to
watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this
particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he
would greet the young man at the door holding his shotgun, not to
menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who
was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered
the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him
over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty,
we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one
was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy
started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.


4. Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No,
honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms
around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real
doozie this time, Dave!''