Joke: Tips for becoming a better gun-fighter

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."

Comebacks for the question: "Why aren't you married"

11. Because I don't like having a 50% chance of some day losing everything that is important to me.

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

Humour: Do-It-Yourself Tips (don't actually try them at home)

* Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).

* Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use
the mixture to clean up the mess.

* Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.

* Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.

* Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.

* Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.

* Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say,
barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

* Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.

Joke: enjoying a company outing

Patrick was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a
cake.

After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig. The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.

Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.

"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.

"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company's outing."

"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.

"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"

Humour: Extracts from allegedly genuine GCSE exam answers which are doing the rounds on the internet

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah desert and
travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went up on mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
He died before he reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn't have history .The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
took a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long.

10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out
"Tee hee, Brutus."

11.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.

12.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by
Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13.In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses and also wrote literature.

14.Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.

15.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah".

16.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper.

17.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

19.During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the N1na, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20.Later, the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for
the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand"
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22.Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23.Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

24.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25.Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died in 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English.
He was very large.

27.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took very long walks in the
forest even though everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28.The French Revolution was accomplished before it had happened
and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she
couldn't have any children.

29.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30.Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn
for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her death was the final event of her reign.

31.The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32.Lois Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals
of human history.

Adult Joke: Price difference between real babies and toys

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."

"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?'

"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000.""

The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!

Humour: You Know You're Addicted to Gardening When...

Your neighbors recognize you in your pajamas, rubber clogs and a cup of coffee.
You grab other people's banana peels, coffee grinds, apple cores, etc. for your compost pile.
You have to wash your hair to get your fingernails clean.
All your neighbors come and ask you questions.
You know the temperature of your compost every day.
You buy a bigger truck so that you can haul more mulch.
You enjoy crushing Japanese beetles because you like the sound that it makes.
Your boss makes "taking care of the office plants" an official part of your job description.
Everything you touch turns to "fertilizer".
Your non-gardening spouse becomes conversant in botanical names
You find yourself feeling leaves, flowers and trunks of trees wherever you go, even at funerals
You dumpster-dive for discarded bulbs after commercial landscapers remove them to plant annuals.
You plan vacation trips around the locations of botanical gardens, arboreta, historic gardens, etc.
You sneak home a 7 foot Japanese Maple and wonder if your spouse will notice.
When considering your budget, plants are more important than groceries
You always carry a shovel, bottled water and a plastic bag in your trunk as emergency tools.
You appreciate your Master Gardener badge more than your jewelry
You talk "dirt" at baseball practice.
You spend more time chopping your kitchen greens for the compost pile than for cooking.
You like the smell of horse manure better than Estee Lauder.
You rejoice in rain...even after 10 straight days of it.
You have pride in how bad your hands look.
You have a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You can give away plants easily, but compost is another thing.
Soil test results actually mean something.
You'd rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothes store.
You know that Sevin is not a number
You take every single person who enters your house on a "garden tour"
You look at your child's sandbox and see a raised bed.
You ask for tools for Christmas, Mother/Father's day, your Birthday and any other occasion you can think of.
You can't bear to thin seedlings and throw them away.
You scold total strangers who don't take care of their potted plants.
You know how many bags of fertilizer/potting soil,/mulch your car will hold.
You drive around the neighborhood hoping to score extra bags of leaves for your compost pile
Your preferred reading matter is seed catalogs

And last but not least:
You know that the four seasons are:
Planning the Garden
Preparing the Garden
Gardening
~and~
Preparing and Planning for the next Garden

Responses to "Do I look fat" question ?

"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Joke: Jesus and 3 people with problems

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out: "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate,the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on disability!"

Recipe: Smothered Chicken w/Mushrooms

This recipe serves 4 people.

3 lb. frying chicken, in serving pieces
Salt & freshly ground pepper
¼ C olive or vegetable oil
1-1/2 C chopped onions
¼ C flour
2 C chicken broth
1 lb mushrooms, sliced
¼ C chopped parsley

Preheat the oven to 400°F.
Wash the chicken pieces and pat dry.
Season to taste with salt and pepper.
In a large heavy-bottomed skillet, heat the oil over high heat and brown the chicken pieces, turning when necessary.
Adjust the heat so that the chicken browns quickly but does not burn.
Transfer the chicken to a shallow casserole large enough to hold the chicken in one layer.
Add the onions to the skillet and cook, stirring frequently, for about 5 minutes, or until they are soft and lightly colored.
Stir in the flour and mix it in well with a spoon.
Pour in the chicken broth and, stirring constantly, bring to a boil.
Reduce the heat and let it simmer for 2-3 minutes.
Pour the sauce over the chicken in the casserole, cover tightly, and cook in the oven for about 20 minutes.
Scatter the mushrooms over the chicken, re-cover and bake for another 10 minutes, or until the chicken is tender.
Sprinkle the parsley over the top and serve.

Recipe: Poached Chicken

This recipe serves 4 people.

Chicken prepared this way stays juicy and moist for salads and sandwiches.
The broth may be saved and used for stock, for boiling noodles or rice, or for poaching another chicken.

3-lb. chicken, whole
Salt

Wash the chicken with cold water.
Truss and place in a large saucepan.
Add water halfway up to the chicken, with ½ teaspoon salt for every quart of water used.
Cover and simmer over medium-low heat for 1 hour, turning the chicken over once or twice during the cooking.
Cool the chicken in the broth and refrigerate until needed.

Recipe: Rhode Island Chicken

This recipe will serve 4 people.

3-lb chicken, whole
1 stalk celery with leaves, in 4 pieces
½ onion, sliced
1 t thyme, crumbed
½ t freshly ground pepper
3 parsley sprigs
1 bay leaf
1 carrot, sliced
3 T butter
3 T flour
2 egg yolks, lightly beaten
2 T lemon juice
Salt

Wash and truss the chicken.
Place it in a large saucepan and add water halfway up the chicken.
Add the celery, onion, thyme, pepper, parsley, bay leaf, and carrot.
Partially cover and simmer for 1 hour.
Remove the chicken and keep it warm in the oven.
Strain the broth, return it to the pan, and boil until reduced to 2 cups.
Melt the butter in a second saucepan.
Stir in the flour and cook, stirring 2-3 minutes until smooth.
Slowly add the reduced broth, stirring over low heat for 3-4 minutes more.
Little by little, add ½ cup of simmering sauce to the egg yolks, beating constantly.
Return the sauce-egg mixture to the sauce remaining in the pan, and cook 1 minute more.
Remove from the heat, stir in the lemon juice, and then add salt to taste.
Serve the sauce alongside the chicken.

Recipe: Chicken w/Dumplings

This recipe serves 6 people.

4-5 lb. chicken, in 8 pieces
2 carrots, sliced thin
2 stalks celery with leaves, sliced thin
1 large onion, chopped
1-1/2 t thyme, crumbled
½ t rosemary, crumbled
2 t salt
½ t freshly ground pepper


Feather Dumplings

1 C flour
½ C fresh bread crumbs
2 t baking powder
¾ t salt
1 egg, well beaten
2 T butter, melted
¼ C finely chopped onion
1/3 C milk
1 T finely minced parsley
Freshly ground pepper to taste

Rinse the chicken pieces, put them in a large pot with a cover, and cover with water.
Add the carrots, celery, onion, thyme, rosemary, salt, and pepper.
Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer.
Combine the flour, bread crumbs, baking powder, and salt in a mixing bowl, and stir to mix.
In another bowl lightly beat the egg, melted butter, onion, and milk together.
Stir into the dry ingredients to make a stiff batter.
Stir in the parsley and pepper.
When the chicken has simmered for 20 minutes, drop spoonfuls of dough on top of the bubbling broth.
Cover and steam for 20 minutes without lifting the cover.

Recipe: Corned Beef Pokies

1 12-oz. can corned beef
2 T prepared mustard
1 T Worcestershire sauce
1 to 2 t prepared horseradish
½ C diced American cheese
6 hot dog rolls

Separate corned beef into small pieces.
Combine with mustard, Worcestershire sauce, horseradish and cheese.
Mix well; fill rolls with mixture.
Wrap each roll individually in aluminum foil.
Bake at 350°F for 20 minutes or until cheese melts.

Recipe - Grilled Corned Beef & Cheese Sandwiches

1 12-oz. can corned beef, shredded
4 oz. sharp American cheese, diced
½ C mayonnaise
2 T sweet pickle relish
1 T instant minced onion
8 hamburger buns, split and buttered

Mix corned beef, cheese, mayonnaise, relish and onion; spoon into buns.
Wrap in heavy foil.
Heat over medium coals for 12 to 15 minutes, turning several times.

Humour: Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

* I would not breed from this officer.

* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Humour - Extracts from US and UK Military Officer Evaluations.

Extracts from US and UK Military Officer Evaluations.

One can almost see the civilian equivalents of the individuals concerned in the mind's eye:

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

* A room temperature IQ..

* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

* A prime candidate for natural deselection.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

* So dense, light bends around him.

* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Recipe: Brunswick Stew

This recipe will serve 6 people

A southern stew, originally made with squirrel or rabbit, that is traditionally long-cooked so that the vegetables become soft and the potatoes are cooked to a thickening paste.

4-5 lb. chicken, in quarters
Salt
1 C chopped canned or fresh tomatoes
2 onions, sliced thin
1 C green lima beans
3 potatoes, peeled & diced
1 C whole-kernel corn
1 t sugar
1/8 to ¼ t cayenne pepper

Rinse the pieces of chicken and put them into a large pot with 2 teaspoons salt and water to cover.
Bring to a boil and simmer for 40 minutes.
Remove the chicken from the broth, take the meat off the bones, and set aside.
Put the tomatoes, onions, lima beans, potatoes, corn, sugar, and cayenne pepper into the broth and boil gently for 30 minutes, covered.
Add the pieces of chicken and simmer for 10 minutes more, uncovered.
Taste and add cayenne pepper and more salt if needed.

Recipe: Chicken Parmesan

Will serve 4 people.

1 egg, lightly beaten
1 C freshly made bread crumbs
½ C freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1-1/2 lbs. skinned & boned chicken breasts
1/3 C flour
Salt
Freshly ground pepper
2 T lemon juice
¼ t nutmeg
1-1/2 C chopped cooked spinach, or 1 pkg. frozen chopped spinach, cooked
4 T butter
2 T oil
1 C heavy cream

Mix the egg with 2 tablespoons water in a shallow bowl.
Combine the bread crumbs and cheese on a piece of wax paper.
Coat the chicken breasts with flour, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Dip them into the egg and then into the bread crumb-cheese mixture; set aside.
Add the lemon juice and nutmeg to the spinach and stir over low heat until it is warm.
Melt the butter and oil in a large skillet.
When it foams, add the chicken and sauté over medium-high heat for 2-3 minutes on each side, or until just done.
Spread the spinach on a warm platter, place the chicken on top, and keep warm.
Remove all but 3 tablespoons of fat from the skillet.
Place it over high heat and add the cream.
Stir, scraping the bottom of the pan, until the cream comes to a boil.
Spoon a little of this sauce over the chicken and spinach, and pour the rest into a serving bowl.

Recipe: Nippy Beef Sandwiches

Makes 6 servings

½ C finely shredded dried beef
1 3-oz. pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 T horseradish
1 T minced onion
1 T salad dressing
Soft butter
12 whole wheat bread slices

Combine beef, cream cheese, horseradish, onion, and salad dressing.
Butter bread slices to edge.
Divide beef mixture into 6 parts.
Place 1 part on each of 6 bread slices, spreading to edges.
Top with remaining bread slices; cut in half.

Recipe: Italian Steak Sandwiches

Serves: 4

Butter
1 Bermuda onion, sliced
1 8-oz. can tomato sauce
1/8 t salt
1/8 t instant minced onion
½ t oregano
Dash of pepper
Dash of garlic salt
½ t Worcestershire sauce
1-1/4 lb sandwich steaks
4 Italian rolls
Olive oil
2 medium dill pickles, sliced

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in skillet.
Brown onion slices in butter slowly until tender.
Combine tomato sauce, salt, minced onion, oregano, pepper and garlic salt in saucepan; bring to a boil.
Stir in 1 teaspoon butter and Worcestershire sauce.
Cover; reduce heat.
Simmer for 10 minutes.
Brown steaks on both sides in pan with onion.
Slice rolls; sprinkle with olive oil.
Place 2 tablespoons tomato mixture with olive oil.
Place 2 tablespoons tomato mixture in each roll; add steak and onion.
Top steak with remaining mixture.
Garnish with pickle slices and additional oregano.
Serve immediately.

Recipe: Cantonese Short Ribs

1 can sliced pineapple
3 lbs. short ribs
3 T shortening
1/3 C soy sauce
Brown sugar
1 t ginger
Melted butter

Drain pineapple, reserving juice.
Add enough water to reserved juice to make 2 cups liquid.
Brown ribs in shortening in roasting pan.
Mix reserved pineapple liquid, soy sauce, 1 tablespoon brown sugar and ginger.
Pour over ribs.
Simmer for 3 hours or until tender.
Brush pineapple slices with melted butter; sprinkle with brown sugar.
Place under broiler to brown.
Serve pineapple slices with ribs.

Recipe: Mushroom-Stuffed Chicken Breasts

Recipe.

Serves 4 to 6

5 T butter
½ lb mushrooms, chopped fine
½ t salt
¼ t freshly ground pepper
1-1/2 C freshly made bread crumbs
¼ t nutmeg (optional)
4 chicken breasts, boned, halved, and pounded flat
½ C heavy cream
½ C chicken broth

Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Melt 4 tablespoons of the butter in a skillet.
Add the mushrooms, salt, and pepper, and cook, stirring often, until the mushrooms turn very dark and absorb all the butter.
Remove from the heat and stir in ¾ cup of the bread crumbs and the nutmeg.
Divide the mushroom stuffing into 8 portions and place a portion in the center of each piece of chicken.
Fold the chicken around the stuffing, and place, seam side down, in a buttered shallow casserole or baking dish.
Melt the remaining tablespoon of butter and brush over the chicken.
Sprinkle with the remaining ¾ cup of bread crumbs.
Pour on cream and broth.
Bake for 30 minutes, until lightly brown.

Recipe - Imperial Tenderloin

This recipe generates 8 servings.

1 beef tenderloin
¼ C olive oil
1 clove of garlic
1 T Worcestershire sauce
4 oz. blue cheese
Butter
1 lb mushroom caps
1 t onion salt
½ t caraway seed
Pepper to taste

Trim surface fat from beef. Brush with olive oil.
Bake at 450°F for 45 to 60 minutes or until meat thermometer registers 140°F. Remove from oven. Mash garlic into Worcestershire sauce; combine with blue cheese and ½ cup butter.
Spread over top of beef. Brown mushrooms in 2 tablespoons butter for 5 minutes.
Add onion salt, caraway seed and pepper; toss.
Serve immediately with beef.

The Difference between Complete & Finished.

The Difference between Complete & Finished.

People say there is no difference between the English words "COMPLETE" & "FINISH".

...But there is.

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....


And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

Recipe - Barbecued Beef

Barbecued Beef

1 3-lb beef roast
2 t pickling spice
1 large bottle catsup
2 green peppers, minced
1 large onion, minced
2 t sugar
2 t vinegar
1 t dry mustard
1 t salt

Place roast in shallow pan; seal with foil. Bake at 300°F for 2 hours. Pierce foil to let steam escape. Reserve pan juices. Chill roast. Tie pickling spice in small bag; combine with catsup, peppers, onion, 1/3 cup water, sugar, vinegar, mustard, and salt. Simmer for 30 minutes, stirring frequently. Cut roast into cubes. Add reserved pan juices and roast; simmer until heated through. Serve in buns.

Totally politically incorrect office speak

The Corporate Lingo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Some signs found in kitchens - humorous

Signs Found In Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to
lead normal lives.

12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

Kitchen Humour - Be careful about your foods getting expired

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your
ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appétit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

Just for today, some good items to do ..

JUST FOR TODAY,

.. ..smile at a stranger
....listen to someone's heart
....drop a coin where a child can find it
....learn something new, then teach it to someone
....tell someone you're thinking of them
....hug a loved one
....don't hold a grudge
....don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry"
....look a child in the eye and tell them how great they are
....don't kill that spider in your house, he's just lost so show him the way out
....look beyond the face of a person into their heart
....make a promise, and keep it
....call someone, for no other reason than to just say "hi"
....show kindness to an animal
....stand up for what you believe in
....smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind
....use all your senses to their fullest
....cherish all of your TODAYS

Humour: Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important stuff.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Humour: A cow and mad cow disease

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."

Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool
leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting
"MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something
sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the
nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

Humour: Men and housework

Do men just play dumb when it comes to cleaning?
Is this an obvious attempt to avoid any sort of housework?
I used to think so, but now I think it may have something to do with
a testosterone brain block or something.

Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles
as a mode of transportation for your mother)

Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in,
instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and
doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the
dishwasher.

Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep
the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny
particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look
for your old "lucky shirt".

Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water
when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet
when you're playing with our seven-year-old.

Mop (mop) - a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the
end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New
Year's Eve party last year.

Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the
toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my
shower luffa again!

Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an
actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours
later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it
makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from
dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set.
That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house
(hint hint).

Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield,
and yes, real men do squeegee!

Final Note: While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's
really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in
place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck
to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct
tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't
make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.

Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in
the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself"
electrical rewiring incident last week.

Joke: What did the Holy Mother actually want ?

After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. Saint Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on Earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it, it's yours."

John thought for a moment and said, "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother."

Saint Peter told him that it would be arranged.

On the appointed day, Saint Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt and said, "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were made of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"

Mary thought for a moment pursing her lips. She then said, "I always wanted a girl."

Some quick jokes

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

______________________________

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

______________________________

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will all students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Joke: What happens when mom has the flu

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister? If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot to look for Chris' missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over the water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch. Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be done, the house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.

Joke: The farmer and his wages

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia . The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"

"Speaking," said the farmer.

Joke: The sharp policeman against the lawyer

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Adult Joke - The old lady shot someone

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

LOL: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front veranda, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me.

DA: Did you know him?

LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.

DA: What happened after he sat down?

LOL: He started to rub my thigh.

DA: Did you stop him?

LOL: No, I didn't stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died some 30 years ago.

DA: What happened next?

LOL: He began to rub my breasts.

DA: Did you stop him then?

LOL: No, I did not stop him.

DA: Why not?

LOL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

DA: What happened next?

LOL: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

DA: Did he take you?

LOL: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"... And that's when I shot the little bastard!

Recipe: Hot-and-Sour Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 40 minutes

As taught to me many years ago by my good friend Peter Cheng, who made this daily for thirty years. All of the dried ingredients can be found in any Asian market and many supermarkets.

1 whole chicken breast, bone-in, about 1 lb, skin & excess fat removed
6 C chicken stock or water
5 dried lily buds, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried cloud ear or tree ear fungus, available at Asian markets
3 or 4 dried shiitake (sometimes labeled "black") mushrooms
½ lb soft or firm tofu, cut into ½-inch cubes
1 T soy sauce
2 T rice or white vinegar
½ t freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
Salt to taste
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 T cornstarch mixed with 2 T water (optional)
1 T dark sesame oil
Minced scallions for garnish
Tabasco or other bottled hot sauce or hot sesame oil

Place the chicken and the stock together in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to high. When the stock or water boils, reduce the heat to medium-low and partially cover. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the chicken is just cooked through. Meanwhile, soak the lily buds, fungus, and shiitakes in hot water to cover until soft, 10 to 15 minutes; if the water cools before the shiitakes soften, drain and add more hot water.
Remove the chicken and, as soon as it is cool enough to handle, strip the meat from the bones and chop it. Trim and shred the lily buds, trim and mince the fungus and mushrooms, and add all of this to the simmering broth. Return the chicken meat to the broth, along with the tofu, soy sauce, vinegar, and plenty of pepper---at least ½ teaspoon.
Taste and add more soy sauce, salt, pepper, and/or vinegar if necessary. Raise the heat a little bit and stir eggs into the soup, followed, if you like, by the cornstarch, which will thicken the already fairly thick mixture even more. Float the sesame oil on top of the soup, garnish, and serve, passing hot sauce or hot oil at the table.

Joke: A young man in a bar

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes
his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Adult Joke - Stranger in the home

It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the
Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and
found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering.

"Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for
hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?"

"Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire."

The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to
the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive
19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This
is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas."

After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late,
and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken,
but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank
you' and lay down.

About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife,
and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would
like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you
like a blanket, young man?"

"Oh no, Walter I'm fine"

"Well, what about a hot water bottle?"

"No, no, there's really no need," he replied.

"Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?"

"My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped.
"She's been down twice already."

Christmas humour: When you don't get a gift you like

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts
to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.

Medical Humour

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to
the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and
asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of
pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

Humour: Some new year wishes from a lawyer

lease accept with no obligation implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion or secular traditions of all.

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these term: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable provided there is no alteration to the original. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to repair of this wish or issuance of a replacement wish at the sole desecration of the wisher.

Humour: Some new year wishes for the new generation

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your
gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead.

You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your mosque / church / temple and charities.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye.

Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace, and much love during the next year and all those that follow.

And I simply would add to that, the following:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Humour: Some stuff about Christmas

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

Humour: Some Christmas office stuff

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Joke: Dispute between Christian and non-Christian

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for
her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with
her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went
back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven
I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady

Some quick jokes

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

______________________________

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong... Hi Dan!"

______________________________

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

Some jokes about the kitchen

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Joke; Adam and his rib

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden , moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"

God replied, "That will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Joke - The young boy and Christ

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.

Corporate joke - how advertising can go wrong

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Lef

Corporate joke - The definition of people in a company

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
ls more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

VICE PRESIDENT
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury
Swims well
Talks to animals

MANAGER
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

SUPERVISOR
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Can't stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God

Adult Joke - The prisoner and the life sentence

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Adult Joke - 2 girls out

Two women friends had gone for a *Girls Night Out*, but had been
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
knickers and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers
but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife
came home last night without her knickers."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back
with a card stuck between the cheeks of her bum
that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."

Humour: Common points between teenagers and cats

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a
teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common
with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return
in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
concerned.

Recipe: Cotriade (French traditional stew)

Makes 4 servings
Time: 1 hour

A traditional stew of northern France.

½ C minced bacon
1 large onions, roughly chopped
About 1 lb baking potatoes, peeled & cut into small chunks
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 t fresh thyme leaves or ½ t dried thyme
6 C fish or chicken stock, preferably warmed
About 2 lbs fillets or steaks of white fish, cut into chunks
Juice of 1 lemon
Minced fresh parsley leaves for garnish

Place the bacon in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Cook, stirring, until it is crisp, about 10 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon and set aside.
Turn the heat to medium and cook the onions in the bacon fat, stirring, until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the potatoes and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are well mixed with the onions and covered with fat. Season with salt, pepper, and thyme; stir, then add the stock.
Cook over medium heat until the potatoes are just tender, about 15 minutes.
Add the fish and cook another 5 to 10 minutes, until the fish is opaque and tender but not falling apart. Add the lemon juice, ladle into bowls, garnish, and serve.

Recipe: Twice-Cooked Chicken Stock

Makes about 3 quarts
Time: about 1 hour

This makes a delicious stock, and gives you perfectly cooked chicken to add to any of the following chicken soups.

3 quarts any chicken stock
1 small chicken or 2 or 3 lbs chicken parts, skin and all visible fat removed, rinsed and patted dry with paper towels
1 carrot, peeled and cut into chunks
1 clove garlic, peeled (optional)
Several sprigs fresh parsley or dill
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients except salt and pepper in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. Bring just about to a boil, then turn the heat to medium-low and partially cover; adjust the heat so the mixture sends up a few bubbles at a time.
Chicken parts will be done in 30 to 40 minutes, whole chicken in 45 to 60 minutes. Strain the stock. Remove the meat from the bones and either return it to the stock or reserve for another use. Season the stock with salt and pepper and use immediately, refrigerate for 4 to 5 days (longer if you boil it every third day), or freeze.

Recipe: Egg-Lemon Soup

Makes 4 servings
Time: about 30 minutes

A Greek standard with plenty of rice and chicken---more of a stew than a soup.

6 C chicken stock
½ C long-grain rice or orzo
1 carrot, peeled & cut into thin slices
1 celery stalk, minced
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 C shredded or chopped cooked boneless skinless chicken
2 eggs
3 T freshly squeezed lemon juice, plus more if desired
Minced fresh dill or parsley leaves for garnish

Place the stock in a large saucepan and turn the heat to medium-high. When it is just about boiling, turn the heat down to medium so that it just bubbles. Stir in the rice, carrot, and celery and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are all tender, about 20 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and add the chicken. Turn the heat to low.
Place the eggs in a blender and whir for 10 seconds; add the lemon juice and blend briefly. With the motor running, drizzle in about 2 cups of the hot soup. Pour this mixture back into the soup, stirring, and cook briefly, until the soup is slightly thickened, just a couple of minutes; do not boil. Taste and adjust seasoning (you may add more lemon juice if you like). Garnish and serve.

Recipe: Chicken Soup with Rice or Noodles

Makes 4 servings
Time: 30 minutes

This is a thin chicken soup with the rice, meat, and vegetables acting as a garnish rather than a major player; see the variation if you want something more substantial. Use orzo or other tiny pasta, angel hair or other thin noodles, ribbons or other egg noodles, or other cooked grains in place of the rice.

5 to 6 C chicken stock
½ C long-grain rice or pasta
1 celery stalk, minced (optional)
1 C raw or cooked chopped boneless skinless chicken, or more
Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste
Minced fresh parsley or dill leaves for garnish

Place the stock in a large, deep saucepan or casserole and turn the heat to medium-high. When it is just about boiling, turn the heat down to medium so that it bubbles but not too vigorously. Stir in the rice, carrot, and celery and cook, stirring occasionally, until they are all tender, about 20 minutes.
Stir in the chicken. If it is raw, cook another 5 to 8 minutes, until it is cooked. If it is cooked, cook 2 or 3 minutes, or until it is hot. Season with salt and pepper, garnish, and serve.